Your parent is lonely through divorce or bereavement so naturally you are overjoyed when they get a new partner – you would never sabotage something so wonderful, would you?
1. It’s not about you. Think back to when you were a teenager and how little your parents’ opinion mattered, especially when it came to romantic relationships. Work on the same premise now that your parent is in the first giddy moments of new love and let them get on with it, showing polite interest if they decide to share.
2. Oversharing is bad. Especially when it comes to sex. It doesn’t matter that you are now both adults as there is a natural line to be drawn, which is something older people often miss when it comes to the thrill of a freshly awakened libido. Remind them that STIs are on the rise among the over-45s, tell them the address of their nearest sexual health clinic and then keep the conversation clean.
3. Is it ever too soon? Possibly, but don’t voice doubts unless you are convinced you are right and even then, tread with caution. If your parent is ready to try a new relationship after bereavement, take it as a compliment to the happiness of the first marriage, or a recognition that life is too short to dither. This can also be the spur behind a sudden new relationship where it has taken months or years of misery to finally divorce; take it in your stride, as disapproval can turn something mediocre into the forbidden passion of Romeo and Juliet at any age.
4. Make them welcome. You’re too old to think of this new person as a parent, so get to know them and give them a chance. Meeting in a crowd – as in including grandchildren or a couple of friends – can help to break the ice. Avoid conversations that sound uncomfortably like an interrogation. “How did you meet?” is always easy, while “How did you vote?” is strangely not so. Aim to like them despite any reservations and give your parent credit for the choices they make.
5. Voice any worries – once. There are some things you can’t ignore, such as the fear that someone is fleecing your parent or taking advantage in some other way. Express your worries with more self-deprecation than hectoring – “I’ve probably got this totally wrong, but I worry about them moving in so soon / borrowing £10,000 from you / being so jealous of your friends …” Really listen to their response, concede that you have probably got it all wrong and then leave it. Harping on will result in them being defensive and protective of their new relationship and unlikely to confide in you if they do have any worries about it. If they do confide, stay calm and practical.
6. Grandchildren are sacred. No matter how you might feel about the new partner, the grandparent/grandchild relationship is untouchable. Never voice criticism to your children in the hope that it will filter back to your parent, and never use your children as blackmail, or ban the new partner from seeing them. If they want to do something dodgy, such as motorbike riding without crash helmets, you might have a point, otherwise avoid the temptation to meddle. And, remember, the more people who love a child the better.
7. No choosing. Don’t make your parent choose between you and their new partner. You might win in the short term, but take a view here – do you really want your mum or dad spending the next 30 years alone? If you feel that no one could replace your mum or dad, then that’s your issue, with a lot of history behind it. No one can replace memories, but you shouldn’t use them as an emotional stick with which to beat others.
8. Never lose touch. If, despite everything, you still cannot warm to the new partner, put on a good face. Stay close to your parent and ensure your children do likewise, go on occasional outings alone with your mum or dad, but never let their partner feel alienated, and see if you can find a common interest with them. If the relationship lasts, you could end up with a surprising new friend; if it doesn’t, keep your delight to yourself and never say, “I told you so.”
