The relationship you have with your adult children is a unique blend of deep connection and newfound boundaries. As they build their own lives, the dynamic shifts from one of parent-child to one of peer-to-peer. While honesty is a cornerstone of any strong relationship, that doesn’t mean you are obligated to share every detail of your past or present life. Certain information, far from fostering closeness, can create unnecessary worry, judgment, or awkwardness. Protecting your privacy is not about being secretive; it’s about maintaining your identity as an individual beyond your role as a parent.
1. Your Detailed Financial Status
Your adult children do not need to know the exact numbers in your bank accounts, the value of your investments, or the size of your retirement fund. Sharing too much financial detail can lead to a host of problems, from creating a sense of entitlement to causing them anxiety about your future. It is enough for them to know that you are financially stable and have a plan in place. Specific figures are private and should remain so until they are needed for legitimate estate planning purposes with a designated executor.
2. Past Relationship Mistakes
Your romantic history before you settled down—the messy breakups, the questionable choices, the ones that got away—is your story, not theirs. Sharing intimate details about past partners can be awkward and may change the way your children view you or your current relationship. It can be particularly uncomfortable for them to hear details about your life before their other parent. Let your past remain in the past; they only need to know the version of you that chose to build a family with them.
3. Any Major Regrets
Everyone has regrets but burdening your adult children with your deepest “what ifs” can be damaging. Telling them you regret your career path, where you chose to live, or other major life decisions can make them feel responsible for your unhappiness. It can also instill a sense of fear and anxiety in them as they navigate their own choices. It’s healthier to frame your life experiences as lessons learned rather than as heavy burdens of regret.
4. Your Sex Life
Your intimate life with your partner is, and should always be, completely private. Your adult children do not need or want to know the details of your physical relationship, past or present. While it’s healthy for them to see you in a loving, affectionate partnership, the specifics are off-limits. Sharing this information oversteps a fundamental boundary and can create a level of discomfort that is difficult to recover from.
5. Times You Were Disappointed in Them
You may remember moments when your child’s choices in their youth caused you deep worry or disappointment. However, bringing up these past missteps once they are adults serves no productive purpose. Rehashing old mistakes can make them feel that you are still holding onto judgment or that you don’t see them for the capable adult they have become. It is far more powerful to focus on their growth and the person they are today.
6. Negative Opinions About Their Partner
Unless their partner is abusive or truly harmful, you should keep minor or personality-based criticisms to yourself. Voicing your disapproval of their chosen life partner can cause a permanent rift between you and your child. It forces them to choose sides and can poison family gatherings for years to come. You must respect their choice and find a way to be civil, even if their partner isn’t who you would have picked for them.
7. Your Wild Youthful Indiscretions
Stories about your wild party days, illegal activities, or rebellious antics might seem like a fun way to show your kids you were once young, too. However, these stories can have the opposite effect, diminishing your authority or leading them to question your judgment. It can be particularly confusing for them if you’ve parented them with strict rules that you yourself once broke. Some stories are best left for your old friends, not your children.
8. Your End-of-Life Fears
It is wise to have practical discussions about your end-of-life wishes, such as living wills and healthcare proxies. However, you do not need to share your deep existential fears about death and dying with your children. This can place a heavy emotional burden on them, making them feel responsible for your emotional well-being in a way they are not equipped to handle. These anxieties are better discussed with a partner, a therapist, or a spiritual advisor.
Redefining the Parent-Child Bond
Maintaining privacy as a parent of adult children is not about building walls; it’s about fostering a relationship based on mutual respect. Your life is more than just your role as a mother or father, and it’s healthy to keep parts of your journey for yourself. By carefully choosing what to share, you preserve the integrity of your personal story while allowing your relationship with your children to evolve into a mature and supportive friendship.
Do you agree with this list? What’s one thing you believe parents should keep private from their adult children?
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