Workplace conversation often feels like a minefield. On one hand, you want to be friendly and build rapport with your colleagues and managers. However, some seemingly innocent questions are not innocent at all. They are, in fact, HR traps. In reality, these questions allow people to gather information about you that is illegal to ask about in an interview. This information can consequently lead to unconscious bias or even outright discrimination. While the person asking might just be making small talk, your answer can unfortunately put you at a disadvantage. Therefore, you need to learn how to spot and deflect these “polite” questions to protect your career. Here are eight of the most common ones.
“When Did You Graduate?”
This question seems harmless. People often ask it to find a shared connection. The problem, however, is that your graduation year is a direct line to your age. Age discrimination is illegal, but it is very real. An employer cannot ask how old you are. This question is a backdoor way to find out. Instead of answering directly, deflect. You can say, “It feels like a lifetime ago! I was so focused on landing my first job in marketing.”
“Do You Have Kids?” or “Are You Married?”
This is a major red flag. Specifically, these questions probe your “familial status.” An employer might unconsciously (or consciously) assume a single person can work more hours. For instance, they might assume a mother with young children will be less dedicated. These assumptions are discriminatory. Furthermore, you have no obligation to share this information. A polite pivot is best: “I try to keep my personal life separate from work, but I’m happy to talk about the project.”
“What Does Your Spouse Do?”
This is another version of the previous question. Not only does it probe your marital status, but it can also be a way to gauge your financial situation or socioeconomic class. For example, a manager might assume you “don’t need” a raise as much if your partner has a high-paying job. This is both unfair and illegal. Instead, you can give a vague answer like, “They work in the tech industry. It keeps them very busy!”
“Where Do You Live?” or “How’s Your Commute?”
This feels like basic small talk. Unfortunately, people can use it to make assumptions about you. Your zip code can reveal your socioeconomic status. Similarly, a manager might use a long commute against you. A manager could assume you will be unreliable or always late. Instead of giving your town, just give a time. For example, “It’s not too bad, about 45 minutes. I just listen to podcasts.”
“What Are You Doing for the Holidays?”
This question is a landmine for probing your religion or national origin. Specifically, answering “I’m going to midnight mass for Christmas” or “I’m visiting family for Hanukkah” reveals your religious affiliation. An employer cannot ask this. For this reason, you can keep your answer generic. Say, “I’m just looking forward to some time off to relax and see some family.”
“Are You Sure You Can Handle This Project?”
Managers often aim this question at women, parents, or older employees. It implies you are not capable. Worse, it can also be a way to probe for a disability. They are fishing for you to say, “Well, I have a condition that…” Do not take the bait. Instead, your response should be firm and confident. Simply say, “Absolutely. I’m excited to get started. What’s the first deadline?”
“Did You Grow Up Around Here?”
This question can serve as a way to determine your “national origin.” In fact, if you have an accent, this question is particularly loaded. An employer cannot make hiring or promotion decisions based on where you were born. It is an illegal query. As such, you can politely shut it down. For instance, “I’ve lived in a few different places, but I’m really enjoying this area.”
“What Kind of Health Issues Are You Dealing With?”
This question is almost always illegal, even if the asker cloaks it in concern. For example, a boss might ask this after you call in sick. However, they are not entitled to your diagnosis. This violates the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA). Therefore, you only need to say, “Thank you for your concern. I’m managing it and will be able to perform my duties.”
You Don’t Have to Be an Open Book to Be a Team Player
Protecting your private information is not “unfriendly.” In fact, it is a professional necessity. You can be a warm, collaborative colleague without revealing your age, marital status, or medical history. Ultimately, your colleagues should judge your career on one thing: your work. Learning to set these polite, firm boundaries is a critical skill for navigating the modern workplace.
What other “friendly” questions have you been asked at work that felt like a trap? Share your experiences in the comments.
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