Your ex might not be able to get you off, but these inanimate objects sure will.
In the name of science, I’ve compiled the horniest smut books on Kindle Unlimited so you can live out your wildest, weirdest fantasies. No object is safe. I’m looking at you, Mister Teddy.
This deeply academic investigation was inspired by the Date Everything game, where it’s exactly as the name suggests. Once you’ve seen people thirst over a literal door, you start to wonder: what else is out there? Spoiler alert: a lot. And smut writers have not been holding back.
So, in the name of science (and maybe a little bit of horniness), I’ve broken each story down using the following criteria:
-
Horniness speedrun
How fast do we get to the good stuff? -
Smut-to-lore ratio
Is there an actual plot in between boinking? -
Kink buffet variety
Is it vanilla and sprinkles, or a full-blown dungeon sampler? -
Dialogue cringe level
How cursed (or steamy) is the dirty talk? -
Anatomical impossibility
Would it actually work IRL or get you sent to the hospital? -
Would I let it smash?
Would you actually sleep with this thing if it came to life?
Adult Wattpad girlies, this one’s for you.
Psttt: Chances are, if you’re here, your smut preferences could make a Victorian faint. Normal’s into it. Tell them what gets you wet, and they’ll give you $50 to blow on vibrators. In other words, you’re basically being paid to get off. Click here for more.
Here’s The Wildest Smut Books We’ve Ever Laid Eyes On
If You Want To Get Slammed (By A Door): Unhinged By Vera Valentine
“Digging her fingers into the edge of the ottoman for leverage, Tana held her breath, rocking back to slowly impale herself on her front door.”
Plot: In this supernatural smutty fantasy, a front door comes to life and protects its owner from a dangerous intruder. Its owner rewards him in more ways than one, swept up in the passion and romance of it all.
- Horniness speedrun: Chapter Seven
- Smut-to-lore ratio: 40-60
- Kink buffet variety: Light BDSM
- Dialogue cringe level: 6/10
- Anatomical impossibility: Slightly concerned as to how she fits a doorknob inside her
- Would I let it smash IRL?: Yes, the human door gives childhood best friend energy
You get to fuck a physical door and then teach its human version how to pleasure you. You can’t make this up.
If You Had A Crush On Your Teddy Bear As A Kid: Bred By The Stuffed Bear That Watches Me Sleep By Sara Goodhead
“The bear’s growl was pure possession, pure promise, and she felt his cock — already hard and swollen with need — pressing against her entrance.”
Plot: Sarah comes home to find her childhood teddy bear (Mister Buttons) on her bed, but her mum can’t remember putting it there. Sarah brushes it off and goes to bed, but Mister Buttons has other plans. He comes alive at night, and trust me, his little teddy isn’t so little.
- Horniness SpeedRun: Page Six (AKA no time wasted)
- Smut-to-Lore Ratio: 90-10
- Kink buffet variety: Breeding
- Dialogue cringe level: 4/10
- Anatomical impossibility: Knotting, so take that as you will
- Would I let it smash IRL?: No, because pregnancy is not on my 2025 bingo card
Your childhood teddy wants to breed you in this one — and yes, he growls.
If You’ve Ever Humped Your Pillow: Stuffed By Sylvia Morrow
“She pulls my head against her sweet heat and grinds against my face, using me roughly as if I were simply the pillow of before, only now I’ve got lips and tongue and teeth to further the pleasure.”
Plot: A pillow wants to pleasure you. That’s the entire plot, and I’m not mad about it.
- Horniness SpeedRun: Chapter Three
- Smut-to-lore ratio: 60-40
- Kink buffet variety: Hentai
- Dialogue cringe level: 3/10
- Anatomical impossibility: Tentacles (yes, plural)
- Would I let it smash IRL?: Hell yes. Who doesn’t want a walking vibrator?
This pillow’s got tentacles — and it uses every single one.
If You’re Curious About Heat Play: Toast Me Gently By P.P. Stroker
“When one of his knobs meets my clit, I can’t help but moan from the electric feeling it gives me.”
Plot: Kjia adores her morning ritual of making toast an unhealthy amount, so much so that she’s named her toaster, Tobias. Little does she know, her toaster is in love with her. And they get it on.
- Horniness speedrun: Chapter Three
- Smut-to-lore ratio: 65-35
- Kink buffet variety: Heat and electricity play
- Dialogue cringe level: 7/10
- Anatomical impossibility: Very concerned about the rust
- Would I let it smash IRL?: No, I don’t want my insides to get burnt
Don’t try this at home with your toaster.
If You Want To Get Freaky This Halloween: Hallowpeen By Holly Wilde
“Perched over Jax’s pumpkin pleasure pole, my pussy drips, coating the tip like butter so my body can be stuffed like a turkey.”
Plot: Two friends tempt fate on Halloween and do a witchy ritual that results in them pleasing three pumpkin men and Man Candy.
- Horniness speedrun: Page 39
- Smut-to-lore ratio: 80-20
- Kink buffet variety: Reverse harem and BDSM
- Dialogue cringe level: 8/10
- Anatomical impossibility: I simply don’t know if there are enough holes
- Would I let it smash IRL?: I’m down. Who doesn’t want to be looked after?
You don’t just get stuffed by three Hallowpeens — Man Candy also ties you up.
If You’ve Used The Pool Jet To Masturbate: My Date With Water By Unfortunate Reads
“Instantly, a cool jet of water assails my clit, beating it into submission.”
Plot: The news has reported that a beach is causing magical orgasms, Marina is horny as hell, and desperate to get away from her parents for the weekend. So, she books a date with the waves in the hopes she’ll get blasted.
- Horniness speedrun: Page 11
- Smut-to-lore ratio: 90-10
- Kink buffet variety: Water play
- Dialogue cringe level: 2/10
- Anatomical impossibility: I mean… it’s water
- Would I let it smash IRL?: Is that even a question?
You’ll want a water jet on standby for this fic.
If You Want To Get Freaky In The Supermarket: Scanned And Stuffed: Taken By The Horny Self-Checkout Machine By Skye MacKinnon
“The tray’s massage rolled again, angling me just right. I couldn’t hold back anymore. My body rocked in time with the suction, the bottle, the machine’s patient, perfect guidance.”
Plot: A lightning storm brings a checkout machine to life, and it’s horny as hell.
- Horniness speedrun: Page 196
- Smut-to-lore ratio: 80-20
- Kink buffet variety: Cord play
- Dialogue cringe level: 7/10
- Anatomical impossibility: The cords probably would’ve impaled her at one point
- Would I let it smash IRL?: A one-night stand would do the trick
In this world, self-checkouts are actually enjoyable. Who would’ve thought?
And Finally, If You’ve Ever Used The Washing Machine: Agitated By Nicole Parker
“I try grinding and bouncing until I find a rhythm that works. Just as I’m wishing for something to rub my clit, the lint trap from Bria extends, bending and stretching toward me.”
Plot: Think E.T., but if he turned into a washing machine and the movie was rated R.
- Horniness speedrun: Page 16
- Smut-to-lore ratio: 80-20
- Kink buffet variety: Voyeurism
- Dialogue cringe level: 7/10
- Anatomical impossibility: My lint trap doesn’t do that 🙁
- Would I let it smash IRL?: Just for a one-night stand
Of course, the washing machine made the cut — it’s been giving people a spin long before vibrators got all fancy-schmancy.
Special shout-out to Pounded by Pluto by Leonard Delaney, which, while not being hot enough, gets an honourable mention for having an absurd plot.
Happy masturbating! Now, please excuse me while I go clear my search history.
Image Credit: @jordyntwrites / TiKTok
The post 8 Of The Wildest Smut Books From Banging A Door To Getting Stuffed By A Pillow appeared first on PEDESTRIAN.TV .
