We’ve all been on the receiving end of a comment that was likely intended to be kind but landed with a thud, leaving a strange, unsettling feeling in its wake. These are the backhanded compliments and qualified praises that can unintentionally make people feel insecure. While the speaker’s motive may be good, the impact is what matters, and these phrases often carry hidden judgments or assumptions. Learning to identify and avoid these “nice” but harmful comments is key to offering genuine, uplifting support.
1. “You look great for your age.”
This is perhaps the most classic backhanded compliment, especially for women. The qualifier “for your age” immediately sours the praise by implying that aging is inherently negative and that they are an exception to an otherwise grim rule. It subtly reinforces societal pressure to look young forever. A genuine compliment doesn’t need a qualifier; simply saying “You look great” is powerful, direct, and doesn’t make anyone contemplate their mortality.
2. “You’re so brave for wearing that.”
This phrase is often aimed at someone wearing a bold or unconventional outfit. While it might be intended to mean “You have a strong sense of style,” it often translates to “Most people would look ridiculous in that, and you’ve chosen to wear it anyway.” It suggests their fashion choice is a risk or a deviation from the norm that requires courage to attempt. It can make the recipient suddenly self-conscious about a choice that, moments before, made them feel confident.
3. “I could never pull that off.”
Similar to the “brave” comment, this phrase creates a subtle separation between the speaker and the recipient. Instead of simply complimenting the person’s style, it turns the focus back to the speaker’s own perceived limitations. This can make the other person feel insecure by highlighting their difference and implying their choice is perhaps too “out there” for the average person. A better alternative is to focus entirely on them, such as, “That outfit looks amazing on you.”
4. “You’ve lost weight! You look so much better.”
This is a double-edged sword that can make someone feel insecure about both their past and present self. The first part may be a welcome observation, but the add-on “you look so much better” explicitly states that you thought they looked bad before. It reinforces the toxic idea that a person’s worth is tied to their weight. For someone who has struggled with an eating disorder or body image issues, this comment can be particularly damaging.
5. “You’re too smart/talented to be working here.”
While you might think you’re complimenting their intelligence or skill, you are simultaneously insulting their life choices and current circumstances. It implies that their job is beneath them and that they have somehow failed to live up to their potential. People have many reasons for choosing a particular job—work-life balance, passion, or personal fulfillment—that have nothing to do with prestige or pay. This comment dismisses their agency and can make them question their own decisions.
6. “At least…”
When someone is sharing a struggle or a painful experience, starting your response with “at least” is profoundly invalidating. Saying “Your car was stolen? Well, at least you have insurance,” attempts to silver-line their pain away. It sends the message that their negative feelings are not justified because things could be worse. This toxic positivity dismisses their emotions and can make them feel like they aren’t allowed to be upset.
7. “Wow, you actually cleaned up nice!”
This “compliment” is a direct insult disguised as praise. The word “actually” implies deep surprise that the person is capable of looking good. It strongly suggests that their default state is messy, unkempt, or unattractive. No one wants to hear that their effort to look presentable is a shocking anomaly. It’s a passive-aggressive jab that can instantly make someone feel insecure and ruin the confidence they were feeling.
8. “You’re so articulate.”
This comment, particularly when directed at people of color, can be a loaded microaggression. It can carry the racist undertone of surprise that a person from a particular background speaks “properly” or intelligently. It sets a different, lower standard and then praises them for exceeding it. While the speaker may not have this conscious intent, the historical and social context of the phrase can make it land as condescending and othering.
The Art of the Genuine Compliment
The common thread among these phrases is that they are qualified, comparative, or carry a hidden assumption. A truly kind and effective compliment is simple, direct, and focuses solely on the positive attribute of the person you’re speaking to. By cleansing our vocabulary of these backhanded remarks, we can ensure our words genuinely lift people up. Being mindful of how our words might make others feel insecure is a powerful act of empathy and respect.
What’s a “compliment” you’ve received that actually made you feel insecure? Share it below.
Read more:
6 Subtle Insults That Are Masked as Compliments
5 Compliments Women Actually Hate
The post 8 ‘Nice’ Things You Say That Actually Make People Feel Insecure appeared first on Budget and the Bees.
