As a parent, your instinct to guide and protect your children never fades, even after they’ve grown up and built lives of their own. You have a lifetime of experience, and you want to share your wisdom to help them avoid the mistakes you made. However, there’s a fine line between offering helpful support and dispensing advice that pushes them away. When your guidance starts to feel critical, controlling, or dismissive of their autonomy, you may find your adult children simply stop listening. Understanding what types of advice backfire is key to maintaining a healthy, respectful relationship.
1. Unsolicited Career Advice
You might see a clear path for your child’s career, but the modern workplace is vastly different from the one you navigated. Giving unsolicited advice about their job, such as telling them to “just walk in and ask for the manager” or questioning their decision to leave a stable job for a startup, can be counterproductive. This advice often feels outdated and dismissive of their passion and expertise in their own field. They perceive it as a lack of trust in their ability to manage their own professional life, causing them to tune you out.
2. Critical Financial “Suggestions”
Money is a deeply personal and often stressful topic for many adults. When you offer financial advice that comes across as criticism, it can be particularly damaging. Comments like, “Are you sure you can afford that vacation?” or “You should be saving more for retirement,” can sound less like help and more like judgment. Your adult children may feel you are scrutinizing their choices and view you as controlling. This type of advice makes them defensive and less likely to share any financial details with you in the future.
3. Parenting Advice Framed as “The Right Way”
There are countless valid philosophies on raising children, and parenting techniques have changed significantly over the generations. Offering parenting advice that suggests your way is the only correct way is a fast track to conflict. Phrases starting with “In my day, we always…” or “You should never let the baby…” undermine their confidence as parents. They need to feel empowered to make their own choices for their family, and your advice can feel like an invalidation of their parenting style.
4. Relationship Advice That Takes Sides
When your adult child confides in you about a conflict with their partner, your protective instincts kick into high gear. However, offering advice that involves harshly criticizing their partner or telling them they should leave the relationship is a risky move. You are only hearing one side of the story, and your strong opinion can create long-term resentment if they reconcile. They are often looking for a listening ear, not a command to end their relationship, and this type of advice can make them regret opening up to you.
5. Advice That Starts with “What You Should Do Is…”
The phrasing of your advice matters just as much as the content. Starting a sentence with a command like, “You need to…” or “What you should do is…” immediately puts the other person on the defensive. This language is authoritative and implies that you know better than they do, shutting down any potential for a collaborative conversation. Adult children want to be treated as capable peers, not as subordinates who need to be told what to do, making this advice feel disrespectful.
6. Guidance That Ignores Their Stated Feelings
Sometimes, an adult child comes to you simply to vent and process their emotions, not to find a solution. When they say, “I’m just so stressed about this project,” and you jump in with a 10-point plan to fix it, you’re not actually listening. This type of advice dismisses their feelings and communicates that their emotional state is an inconvenience to be solved. Before offering solutions, it’s more effective to first validate their feelings by saying something like, “That sounds really difficult.”
7. Any Advice Given Too Frequently
Even the most well-intentioned and helpful advice can become unwelcome if it is repeated over and over again. If you’ve already shared your opinion on a particular topic, trust that your adult child has heard and considered it. Bringing up the same advice repeatedly can feel like nagging and shows a lack of respect for their decision-making process. They will feel that you don’t trust them to make the right choice on their own, which will only make them more resistant to your input.
Shifting from Advisor to Supporter
The key to maintaining influence in your adult children’s lives is to transition from the role of a director to that of a consultant. Instead of offering unsolicited advice, wait to be asked for your opinion and listen more than you speak. Ask questions like, “How can I support you?” or “Have you thought about what options you have?” This approach empowers them, respects their autonomy, and makes it far more likely that when they truly need guidance, you will be the first person they call.
What advice from your own parents did you find most helpful or least helpful as a young adult?
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