The festive season is often painted as the happiest time of year, but the pressure of a perfect Christmas can be very overwhelming, especially for people who are grieving.
Emotions and memories associated with loved ones who have passed can be especially vivid and painful around Christmas, so we spoke to Sharon Jenkins, bereavement counsellor at Marie Curie, to get some advice on how to navigate this sensitive period following a loss.
1) Have a plan B
Be prepared to be flexible, as everything might not go to plan.
“Whatever your plan is for how you’re going to do Christmas, have a plan B because you don’t know how you’re going to feel on the day,” advises Jenkins. “Say to your family if we’re feeling okay, we’ll do this but actually if that doesn’t feel okay we’ll do this instead.
“For example, if you can’t face walking into Tesco and seeing the Christmas chocolates right in your face and decorations everywhere because it feels too overwhelming, do an online shop instead.”
2) Don’t bottle up all your feelings and emotions
“Holding all your emotions and feelings in is like shaking a bottle of pop and then seeing it explode everywhere when you open it,” says Jenkins. “However, if you slowly open it a little bit at a time, by allowing yourself to have those moments of talking to somebody or having a little cry, then you’re not going to have that big explosion.”
3) Decide what traditions you want to keep and create new ones
Don’t be afraid to create new traditions.
“Think about what special traditions you want to take forward, but also about what new traditions you might want to make,” says Jenkins. “Keep things that make you smile and bring good memories, and think about any new traditions that might make Christmas easier to manage or more relaxed for you.
“Assess what’s important and special to your family so the memories of that person are still part of things.”
4) Schedule in some me time
It’s easy to get caught up in the busyness of Christmas, but make sure you carve out some time for you.
“If you are spending Christmas with lots of family and friends, there might be some moments where everything feels a bit too much,” says Jenkins. “Don’t be afraid to take a breather and put your own wellbeing first.”
Finding small moments of self-care throughout the day can help you feel calmer, lighter and more in control.
“At Marie Curie we developed a poster about five minutes of self-care which encourages people to do something for themselves for a couple minutes every day – whether that be enjoying a cup of tea or playing your favourite song or reading a couple of pages of a book,” says Jenkins.
“If you just keep going and never get any time to fill yourself back up, you’re just going to run out of energy. Remember that you can’t pour from an empty cup.”
5) Learn when to say ‘no’ but keep the door ajar
Make decisions that feel right to you.
“Be honest and ask yourself, do I really want to go to this or do I just feel I should go,” says Jenkins. “You can always say now is not a good time for me, but next time you are doing something let me know, or just organise a coffee for some time in January after Christmas is over.”
6) Be mindful of alcohol consumption
“Alcohol can play a big part of Christmas celebrations, and some people use drinking as a coping mechanism for grief, but that is going to make you feel worse in the long run,” says Jenkins. “Have a nice time but consider drinking in moderation if you are feeling particularly low, and be especially cautious if you are on antidepressants.”
7) Consider talking to a counsellor
Many people find it easier to talk to someone who hasn’t been directly impacted by the grief.
“Talking about grief can be difficult and sometimes it can be easier to talk to somebody who’s not emotionally invested,” recognises Jenkins. “At Marie Curie, we have a support line and a counselling service that are available for anyone who needs it. Sometimes talking to somebody who doesn’t know you and is just going to listen can help.”
If you’re living with a terminal illness or have been affected by dying, death and bereavement, Marie Curie can help. Visit mariecurie.org.uk or call the charity’s free Support Line on 0800 090 2309, which is open over the Christmas period.
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