When someone we care about is in pain, our first instinct is to offer comfort. We search for the right words to soothe their sorrow, but often, our good intentions pave the way for more hurt. Clichés and platitudes, meant to be helpful, can feel dismissive and isolating to someone grieving. The reality is, you cannot fix their pain, but you can learn to support them without accidentally making things worse. This guide will help you understand which common phrases to avoid and offer a better way to show you truly care.
1. “They’re in a better place.”
This phrase is intended to be comforting, but it can invalidate the grieving person’s pain. For them, the “better place” is right here, with them. It also imposes a specific spiritual belief that the person may not share, making them feel misunderstood. Instead of making assumptions about the afterlife, focus on the present. A better alternative is, “I am so sorry for your loss. I can only imagine how much you must miss them.”
2. “I know exactly how you feel.”
While you may have experienced a similar loss, grief is incredibly personal and unique. Claiming to know “exactly” how someone feels can minimize their individual experience and make it about you. It inadvertently shifts the focus from their pain to your own. A more empathetic approach is to acknowledge the uniqueness of their pain: “I can’t imagine what you’re going through, but I am here for you.”
3. “At least they lived a long life.”
Whether a person lived to be 90 or 9, their loss is still deeply felt by those who loved them. This phrase suggests that the grief should be less intense because of the person’s age, which is simply not true. Love doesn’t have an expiration date, and the pain of losing a loved one is profound regardless of their age. Honor their relationship by saying something like, “They will be so deeply missed.”
4. “You need to be strong for…”
Placing the burden of being “strong” on someone grieving is unfair and unhealthy. It tells them they don’t have permission to feel their emotions authentically and that they must put on a brave face for their children, spouse, or other family members. Grief requires vulnerability, not strength. Give them permission to fall apart by saying, “It’s okay to not be okay right now. Let yourself feel whatever you need to feel.”
5. “Everything happens for a reason.”
In the raw, early stages of grief, this sentiment can feel cruel. It implies there’s some grand, cosmic justification for their immense suffering, a concept that is impossible to accept when your world has just been shattered. There is no good “reason” for their loss. Avoid trying to find meaning in their tragedy and instead, simply acknowledge their pain: “This is just so hard. I am thinking of you.”
6. “Time heals all wounds.”
While the intensity of grief may lessen over time, the “wound” of loss never truly disappears; people learn to live with it. This phrase can make someone grieving feel pressured to “get over it” on a specific timeline. It rushes their process and dismisses the fact that grief is a lifelong journey. A more supportive statement is, “Be gentle with yourself. There is no timeline for grief.”
7. “Let me know if you need anything.”
This is the most common and seemingly helpful offer, but it places the responsibility back on the grieving person. Someone in the fog of grief often doesn’t have the energy to identify their needs, much less ask for help. Instead of a vague offer, be specific. Say, “I’m dropping off dinner for you tomorrow night,” or “I can come over on Saturday to mow your lawn.” Taking initiative is a true act of support.
The Power of Simply Being Present
When you don’t know what to say, your presence is often the most powerful gift you can give to someone grieving. You don’t need to have the perfect words; you just need to be there to listen, to sit in silence, or to offer a shoulder to cry on. True comfort comes not from clichés, but from quiet, unwavering compassion. By avoiding these common missteps, you can provide the genuine support they desperately need during their darkest hours.
What is the most helpful thing someone said or did for you when you were grieving?
Read More:
Why Your Grief Doesn’t Match Theirs—And Why That’s Perfectly Normal
How to Make Quick Decisions While Dealing With Grief
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