Words have the power to build a child’s world or tear it down. As parents, we use language to guide, teach, and protect, but sometimes our words carry unintended consequences. We might repeat phrases we heard as children or speak out of frustration, not realizing the subtle damage being done. Certain common phrases parents say can create emotional distance, invalidate feelings, and slowly erode the foundation of trust with our kids. Recognizing these verbal missteps is crucial for fostering a relationship where your children feel seen, heard, and unconditionally loved.
“Because I Said So.”
This classic shutdown phrase is often used when a parent is out of time or patience. The intention is to establish authority and end a negotiation quickly. However, what a child hears is, “Your questions don’t matter, and my authority is more important than your understanding.” It teaches them that power, not reason, wins arguments and discourages them from developing their own critical thinking skills.
“You’re Too Sensitive.”
When a child is crying or upset about something that seems trivial to an adult, it’s easy to dismiss their reaction. But telling a child they are “too sensitive” is deeply invalidating. It teaches them that their emotional responses are wrong or disproportionate. As a result, they may learn to suppress their feelings and stop coming to you for comfort, believing their emotions are a burden.
“It’s Not a Big Deal.”
Similar to calling a child sensitive, this phrase minimizes their experience. A failed art project, a fight with a friend, or a scraped knee might not be a big deal to you, but it can feel monumental to a child. By dismissing their concerns, you’re teaching them that their problems aren’t worthy of your attention. This can make them feel isolated and hesitant to share future struggles with you.
“Why Can’t You Be More Like…?”
Comparing a child to a sibling, cousin, or friend is one of the most destructive phrases parents say. The goal may be to motivate them by providing a positive example, but the effect is the opposite. This comparison breeds resentment toward the other child and instills a feeling of inadequacy in your own. It sends the message that your love is conditional and that they aren’t good enough as they are.
“I’m Disappointed in You.”
These words carry immense weight. A parent’s intention is often to express that a child’s behavior did not meet expectations. However, a child often internalizes this as, “I am a disappointment.” It shifts the focus from a specific bad choice to their fundamental character, leading to feelings of shame and worthlessness. It’s more effective to address the behavior itself without attacking their identity.
“You’re Making Me Mad.”
This phrase places the responsibility for your adult emotions onto your child. While their behavior might trigger your anger, your emotional reaction is your own to manage. Saying “You’re making me mad” teaches children that they have the power to control others’ feelings, which can be a scary and confusing burden. It also models poor emotional regulation. A better approach is to say, “I feel angry when you…”
“Just Wait Until Your Father/Mother Gets Home.”
Used as a threat, this statement accomplishes two negative things at once. First, it undermines your own authority by positioning the other parent as the “real” disciplinarian. Second, it builds anxiety and fear in the child, forcing them to dread the other parent’s arrival. This can damage their relationship with that parent, turning them into a source of fear rather than comfort and security.
Fostering Connection Through Mindful Language
The language we use with our children becomes their inner voice. By making conscious choices about our words, we can nurture their self-esteem and strengthen our bond. Eliminating these unintentionally harmful phrases parents say is a powerful step toward creating a home where communication is built on respect, validation, and empathy. True connection grows when children feel safe to be exactly who they are.
Which of these phrases did you hear as a child, and how did it make you feel?
Read more:
7 Ways You’re Teaching Your Child to Lie Without Realizing It
8 Childhood Expectations That Turn into Adult Anxiety
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