Last year, ICE proudly announced that there was “no age limit” for anyone with a burning desire to sign up for a career in beating, brutalizing, torturing, and occasionally executing people.
The removal of the age cap was promoted by former Superman actor Dean Cain, with the 59-year-old the center of a humiliating online video ‘proving’ he still had what it takes.
TV’s former “man of steel” Dean Cain runs through the obstacle course during training to become an ICE officer at the Federal Law Enforcement Training Center in Georgia.
— U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (@ICEgov) August 23, 2025
https://t.co/R6CcwFbFgD pic.twitter.com/tenSTvp1oY
But it seems that officials may have misplaced a comma when making this announcement. They announced “no age limit” when actually it should have been “no, age limit”.
Enter a 68-year-old retired Ohio cop known only as “Doug”, who decided that after two decades of local law enforcement, it was time for a very late career change. He applied to join ICE and was “thrilled” when he received a job offer with a $127k base salary and a $20k annual bonus. Huh, I guess it’s useful to know the average selling price of a soul in today’s market.
“A masterclass in dysfunction”
Doug then gradually realized that ICE may not be the tightly run ship he had anticipated. He said the hiring process was a “masterclass in dysfunction” after being told to start his job in Indianapolis, then that he’d be starting in Atlanta, then his start date was pushed back a few months.
All the while, Doug had been diligently doing his homework. He underlined that he’d been officially sworn in and passed a virtual course at the federal Law Enforcement Training Center, with his studies seeing him spending “four to five hours” a day over “several weeks” to read one 400-page manual.
Then the axe fell. To Doug’s dismay, he realized wasn’t going to begin a new job facilitating grotesque crimes against morality and trampling the US Constitution. In an email received hours before he was due to begin work, he was informed that he was “too old”.
How unfair, I’m sure a guy approaching his seventies is still perfectly capable of emptying a canister of pepper spray into someone’s eyes at close range!
“It has been determined that you do not meet the eligibility for [the] age requirement for the position; therefore, the offer of employment is rescinded.”
Doug has now filed complaints against ICE and the DHS on the basis of age discrimination, demanding that he either be allowed to work for them or, if they’re still not feeling that, that they pay him $40k. Doug reports he spoke to a DHS officer who apparently sounded “exasperated”, explaining that Noem had never actually had the power to scrap the age cap, and that technically it had never been lifted at all.
As a result, the agency is now “buried” under “thousands of cases” from unhappy old geezers upset that they won’t get to beat up poor people and will as usual have to settle for beating their wives, kids, and dogs.
Our heart bleeds for poor Doug, who it seems will never get to be a cog in a machine designed to obliterate all hope and dignity. We’ll pour one out for you, buddy.
