According to a 2022 survey of 3,757 American parents, roughly as many people say they are trying to raise their children in a similar way to how they were raised (43%) as say they are trying to raise them differently (44%).
However, fathers are a bit more likely to fall into the first category (47%) than the second (40%). In contrast, mothers tend to lean towards raising their kids differently from how they were raised (48%) rather than replicating their own upbringing (40%).
My husband & I swore we wouldn’t repeat our parents ‘ mistakes, and so far we haven’t. We made completely new ones.I pay attention to my son, take an interest in him and what he says, and show that I love and care about him. So, it's working out pretty well compared to my childhood.My mom often told me that she didn’t want to be like Grandma and she turned out to be cruel, abusive, manipulative mom exactly like Grandma.
I also don’t want to be cruel, abusive, manipulative mom like my mom, so I don’t have kid. Better end this cycle of abuse with me.I apologise freely to my child when I get it wrong, we always have McDonald’s money, he has lots of lovely days out and he’s completely loved and adored. I hope he thinks I’m doing a good job.Turns out, I'm my parents 2.0 - now with added features! I find myself using phrases I swore I'd never say, and I've developed a strange fascination with thermostats. Who knew that 'Don't touch the thermostat' would be my catchphrase?Growing up, I always swore that I’d never get married and I’d never have kids. Many people told me that I’d change my mind. I’ve never married or had kids and I’m happy as can be. I do what I want, when I want and it’s nice.Amazing,
I have a fantastic relationship with all my kids.
I've never used violence as a punishment, I've never belittled them or made them feel small.
Now I've got polite friendly children who are loved by all they meet.
It's not difficult to raise a child with love and kindness it's mad, the massive difference between my childhood and my kids.
I was hit by a car at 7 years old and yes it was my own fault but I wouldn't dream of leaving a 7 year old unattended, let alone letting them wander the streets until dark.It’s hard. Breaking generational trauma is difficult. But I’ve put in a lot of work and went to therapy. I think I’m doing pretty good at being a different kind of parent.Pretty well actually. Both my kids know that I love them unconditionally and they seem to believe that they deserve love and are worthy of it.Great! My kids are healthy, happy and needed significantly less therapy than I did. So I call that a win.Well I never beat my daughter with her own hockey stick so pretty good.I grew up with two narcissistic screamers. I am still tormented by my memories. I swore never to be like that. And I’m not. My daughter (10) and I never yell. We are close and respect one another. She is always complimented on her empathy by teachers and is at the top of her class. It works! Family curses can be reversed.It's given me empathy for my parents' failures because they are just people and I can see where the behaviors may have come from. Saying that, it doesn't mean I'm not still trying to do it better. My kids deserve the best of me. I'm also imperfect, but I'm trying to give them the best childhood I can. I think it's going well.I ended up going TOO far in not wanting to be my parents who were emotionally neglectful, physically abusive and too strict, that I still kinda became my parents in a way. I never said no to my child, gave him few boundaries, always put his feelings and wants and interests first and did everything for him out of fear of him ending up with the same struggles in adulthood as I did, out of fear of him feeling what I felt. As a result, my son grew up developing a whole different set of issues, even though I thought I did everything right. Because you know: at least I wasnt my parents! I needed (and still need) lots of therapy to handle my own demons first. To educate myself on how the human mind works and and how generational trauma works. I had to relearn how to raise a child in a healthy, balanced way. It was extremely hard to admit to myself I was failing as a parent and ask for help/therapy but it is almost impossible to break a previous cycle of trauma without it.Well as someone who learned young not to go to my parents for anything because they never took my side, I stayed true to that promise. No matter what bad things happened to me, it was always my own fault. My kids are adults now. They've always come to me with problems. I made it a point to treat them as individuals when they were kids. Not my property or things that had to obey or else. Was I disappointed when boy got sh**faced at 16? Kinda. But then I remembered what I was doing at that age. Went and picked him up and let the hangover be his punishment.so glad he didn't try to stagger home at 2 am like I felt I had to.It worked out great! I stopped a cycle of many generations of abuse. My daughter grew up feeling safe, loved, wanted and supported by a mother who treasures her existence. ❤️Great. I went to therapy and really worked at not being like my parents. My mom notices and has said on multiple occasions she wishes she was more like me when she was raising my sister and I. I'd say I succeeded.I don't smoke (at all/with my kids in the car), I don't keep my kids up till 1 am to drive home drunk and I support their education and encourage them instead of ignoring them.
I'm doing much better than my parents.It's working out really well. My kids are thoughtful, sweet, intelligent, funny and kind little humans. My teenager is respectful, but brave enough to stand up for what he believes in.I chose not to have kids. That way I also avoided my mother’s “I hope someday your kids are as disrespectful as you are” curse.I did a lot of things the exact opposite of my parents when I had my daughter. To this day, my mother asks me why she & I aren’t as close as my daughter & I. Well, let’s see…….maybe because I don’t harbor a grudge for everything my child does differently than I do. She goes her own way and is a fully-functioning adult, so…….I am proud of her rather than point out what she is doing “wrong”.My mother wouldn’t get me braces for my horrible crooked teeth. My kid has braces now. My mother refused to let me get my license. My kid will have it the day he turns 16. Anytime I was excited about an accomplishment? There was someone she knows whose kid could do it better. I don’t downplay my kid’s excitement for anything.The woman who birthed me was a m*th addict. My bio dad was in and out of prison. I was the oldest of my siblings so I pretty much raised them and at 18 I did have custody of the two younger ones. Our child Hoodia hell when we were with our mom. I swore my kids would have it better My oldest was never obligated to take care of her siblings or forced to do my chores. I have never done meth or anything hard. I have never left my children in a car for hours to go gamble or do drugs in some creeps house. I've never even had so much as a speeding ticket. I've never pulled my child out of bed at 3 in the morning screaming and hitting them "cause they talked s**t" I've never hit my babies for anything. I've never called them bad words or insulted them. Never made them clean up my vomit or bathe me. I tell them how much they mean to me. I make sure I am present for them in everything. I've sat through every dance class and recitals, every boxing class, every choir concert, every home fashion show. I've been next to them every moment they were sick and done everything to help them feel better even when I'm sick too. I've stayed up late to make sure a last minute school project is complete. They are my children, I brought them into this world so it is my responsibility to help them grow up in a loving environment, to teach them, to instill kindness in them, to make them humans I will be proud to call friend when they grow into adults. I know I haven't been perfect but I know I've done a hell of a lot better than the two humans that made me.My child is a toddler and I’m far more patient, and I do everything I can to make sure my child feels safe and loved because I know how important that is.Really good! My dad was an abusive narcissist and my mom his enabler. I’ve been in therapy doing the hard work of breaking generational trauma. My kids are growing up with confidence, aren’t afraid to be themselves, and ultimately show us that we’re their safe place (as parents). In contrast, I grew up with severe mental health issues, was bullied at school and home, and entered adulthood basically afraid of my own shadow. I have cptsd as an adult, yay. But my kids are thriving and that’s all that matters.So far so good. If I'm wrong, I admit it. If I did something that negatively affected my kids, I apologize. I don't give my kids the silent treatment if I'm mad or upset. I talk with them to go over how we view the situation and what we need to do to fix the issue.
I'm interested in my kids and their passions. I don't use that to tease them about it. I support them in the ways they need for their hobbies.
It's been a very active process to break the generational trauma and make sure they don't experience my childhood. Not perfect but at least I have a good relationship with my kids. Unlike my parents who are in a need to know basis and get general updates on my life.It worked out like this - I have 3 high schoolers. All on honor roll. All in multiple varsity sports. All do volunteer work. All in multiple clubs (ie D&D, cooking etc)All 3 are happy a majority of the time.
My childhood? I tried to hang myself twice at the age of five.
I would say doing everything opposite of my parents is working out just fine, thank you.Well, let's just say my 'I'll never be like my parents' pledge has aged as well as a milk carton left out in the sun. Turns out, 'because I said so' is a legit reason, and 8 PM is indeed a fantastic bedtime. Who knew?I found that my parents were both trying to “not be like their parents” as well. They broke generational trauma and yet left me some work to do on my own to break it for my own kids. I have tendencies of both my parents and yet have also parented in my own style which is exactly what they did. LOL.
I’m forever grateful to them for their strength and dedication to the family, something I didn’t see when was swearing to never be like them.It's like I downloaded a 'Parenting App' directly from my mom and dad's brains. I've caught myself saying 'because I'm your mother, that's why' more times than I can count. And guess what? My living room is now a no-food zone. History repeats itself, but with more WiFi.I grew up to be pretty much like my parents. Which isn't really a great thing. But I also swore off kids because I knew I'd be just like them.I’m the opposite of my parents! Everything I wanted my parents to be, I am as a parent. My parents weren’t attentive, encouraging, emotionally available, or supportive! They worked and when they weren’t working they were arguing. My father was controlling and mean. My mother was shut down and closed off. My son is 20, he’s grown up in a loving and open home. We talk about mental health, we offer advice but allow him to make his own decisions.
I was home to cook all the meals, went to his sports events, gave him support whenever needed. We talk about financial health, we talk about educational opportunities, how to improve his mental health, how to be a good supportive partner, etc. I’ve apologized for times I was wrong and made parenting mistakes. We have a great relationship.So far so good. My mom had no backbone and allowed my stepdad to take over the father role in our home when I was 3. He beat me my entire childhood while she watched. She never stopped him, would just cry in the corner. I now have two children, am in a healthy marriage and protect my children at all costs. I am not to ever be f***ed with but I’m not a bitter or mean person and I am proud of that.I have empathy for my parents struggles but I actually realized how abusive they were on another level when I had my own. Thankfully I don’t beat my kids on a ritual basis, or at all, I don’t scream and throw heavy objects at them, I don’t punch them over and over again, I don’t knock them out cold or beat them until they throw up, I don’t scream that I wished they were dead and deserve to go to hell. So I think I’m doing pretty good compared to my parents. However I have empathy for my parents, I can understand why their personality disorders and fundamentalist religion and backing from their churches to beat children would lead them down the path they chose. I wish my parents a peaceful and long life and good health, but I keep my distance. I love my kids and see them as future adults. My parents saw us as property that god gave them to keep out of hell by any means they saw fit.Rather well, actually. I just turned 32. My parents had me at 30 (dad) and 25 (mom). Unlike them, I’ve been patient, caring, kind and my kids seem to love me. They tell me as much. On days when they descend into tantrums, I don’t yell or raise my voice. I give them space and when they’ve finally subsided I plop down next to them and ask, “what’s wrong, baby? How can we fix this?”
The other day my oldest, who is four, came up to me and took my face into her hands while I was sitting and playing with her younger sister, who is two. She looked into my eyes as she said, “daddy, you’re the best helper. You’re always there to help me! Even when I’m scared, you tell me I’m brave! I love you!”
I thanked her and started tearing up. She told me it was okay and that I didn’t need to be upset. I told her they were happy tears and she did a little dance and went about her day.
I love being a dad. Life changing experience. It even allowed me a chance to reconcile with my parents. We’re not super tight, but we’re close for the first time in my life. My father gave me a present for my birthday this past November. Can’t remember the last time he gave me a present. I try not to spoil my kids but my wife always jokes that I need to get a life because I leave to go shopping for myself and I come back with a bunch of stuff for my girls and nothing for myself. Being a parent is Not for everyone, but it suits me just fine.
Cheers, stranger!My parents never took my needs into account.
Everything I’ve done since I became a mother has been analyzed from the standpoint of how it will affect my offspring.
I’ve definitely made mistakes because parenting is the most consistently difficult task I’ve undertaken. (I was in my 30s and had a MS degree with a stable career and supportive spouse when I decided to have children and it was still a challenge.)It's worked out great for me. I just did the opposite of what my mom and stepdad did, and I feel like I did pretty good for all involved. My kids aren't afraid of me because I don't beat them. They listen to me because I don't ignore and neglect them. I stay involved in their lives and try to help them as best I can. I never felt like it was *that* hard to be a decent parent, just showing up and not being a massive a*****e gets you pretty far. Turns out I was right.It has worked out PERFECTLY! My husband and I have worked very hard to be like neither of our parental units and I think we did it!!
Our only child is now a very well adjusted, kind, hard working 29 year old, owns a home and is married with a child. Husband and I are still happily married after 37 years.
Our son LIKES to hang out with his mom and dad and I see or talk to him every day.
We basically just tried to do everything unlike our parents and it worked.I am just like my dad. Not as angry or stressed out as he was but I have a lot of traits I try to recognize and nip in the butt before I do too much psychological damage.We listen to our kids instead of dismissing them. We take great interest in what they are pursuing, have deep conversations about the world, and actually make sure they're doing well in school. When it has been needed, they've been in therapy instead of us telling them to 'read their bible and pray.'
Both of us came from very broken homes with supremely hands off, emotionally neglectful, parents. Neither of us remember having conversations with our parents about anything happening in school, our homework, etc. It's very weird for both of us now as our kids are nearing adulthood, seeing how well rounded our kids have turned out.
This is coming from a pair of high school sweethearts who got pregnant at 16 & 18, btw! :) Still together, almost 20 years later.My daughter is only 9 months old but I swore to myself that I would never treat her like a burden, at least not to her face. For most of my childhood my mother treated everything I did (whether it was good or bad) as a hassle, I won't treat my daughter like that.Going well so far but it isn't always easy. I find myself stopping me from reacting how my physically and mentally abusive parents would in some situations. I'm determined to be much better than they ever were. I also don't think of my kid as free labor so I can sit on my a*s and do nothing.I became the parent that I needed when I was a child and teen. I am nothing like either of my parents and I'm very proud of that.
Nobody is perfect, and I don't put expectations of perfection on my children. If they make a mistake, it's just a mistake and we learn from it and grow. That's not how it was in my house when I was growing up. I'm 39 and I haven't seen anyone from my family of origin in over a decade, but I'd likely still have old mistakes (from 20 or more years ago) brought up and thrown in my face if I ever dared to have a conversation with any of them.I am not like my parents on the things I saw. I came from a long line of generational trauma. I never hid that fact from my kids as they aged. But they know it happened and are thankful that was not their childhood.
My adult daughter last year told me "I hate you had to go through that mom, but I am so thankful you are my mom". It makes all the work I have done on myself to be their mom worth it.
My children never had to be the adults. They never had to hide because of dangerous situations or abuse was happening in front of them. They never were hit, or emotionally abused. They were valued. They were loved. And they were respected.
They are literally the suns in my world. I have zero regrets about that.Yeah not great....very much like my mother ! However I do have more empathy and love towards my children. But I definitely have not turned out to be the parent I wanted to be. In fact I even have some sympathy to my mother now.I'll take this in a slightly different direction regarding the desire to be nothing like your parents. I'll skip over my childhood but suffice it to say that I had a pretty s****y relationship with my father and grew up swearing I'd not be like him.
Here's my main takeaway years later as a parent. Knowing what kind of parent you DON'T want to be doesn't really provide you with any tools. You need to have an idea of the parent that you DO want to be. If you came from a bad parenting situation, look around and find role models for the kind of parent you want to be. Talk to those people and hang around with them. Do your best to absorb lessons from them. You need good strategies to replace the bad things that you learned and internalized. Sometimes it can just be random moments from parents you only observe once. There are many things to learn all around you. Grab what you can because you need something to replace the bad stuff you're trying to throw out.I was one of those people. I have an extraordinary relationship with all three of my children (now adults) because I vowed I’d never be the uncaring, unloving, abusive parent as mine were.Not too bad. I've conversed more with my kids than I ever did with my parents. I tell them that I love them (never heard that from my father until he was in his sixties). I'm still far from perfect, but much improved.So far so good. Honestly feel a bit puzzled by everyone who suddenly feels empathy for their abusive parents. I feel angrier at them. I can't imagine treating my daughter the same way they treated me. All the b**ching and moaning they did about having to parent, all the times they told me they hoped someday I would have a child that made them as miserable as I made them and here we are and my daughter is my greatest blessing.Not me but my mum. Her dad was alright but she said that she wanted to be a better mum than hers.
Her mum never ever hugged them, was never really there for her, did horrible things to my mum etc.
My mum does not like affection, but she always gave us hugs when we wanted one, she was always there to listen and help us when we needed her etc. She really did break the chain and we have a great relationship.I grew up in poverty (one parent who refused to hold a steady job and wouldn't let the other work) and while it was never an explicit "I'll never do that to my kids", it absolutely formed an unhealthy relationship with money. Yes my family has everything they need, and yes I work my a*s off to provide. Down side for me personally is that it was incredibly hard to spend any money on anything that's not an essential, until I started making way more money than we need to actually thrive. Literally 20+ years to change that mindset I grew up with. In retrospect I'll bet therapy would have helped, but you know, that costs money and my past self would never have freely spent money on it.I raised my son, doing the opposite of what was done with me, and was successful.
No getting drunk in front of the kid, no name calling, no abuse.
We did our best, and guess what? Our son still loves us, and started out life better than I did.
I consider that a win.
Of course there are things I would have redone if I could, but for the most part i think we did well.
I do now give them credit for putting us through private middle school, which is why we were so poor until public high school. But that is one amazing thing, and there was so much bad that went on in my house. Knowing that doesn't make up for the rest of it.I have more patience than they did. When my dad was around he'd break s**t out of anger and my mom usually gets silent when she's upset. I tell my LO, I'm taking 5 or usually explain why they can't do something(and apparentlyi talk too much when i do this). I love being my LO's safe spot and they come cuddle whenever they want towards me. I never had that or I'd feel like I was bothering my parents space:/ so yeah so far so good?I’ve decided to prioritize my mental health before I have kids so that I can be a complete, healthy person when I do have kids.Considering my mother used to beat the f**k out of me and my siblings and now she sits in her home all alone, I'd say it worked out well.
My son and I talk nearly everyday, I see my grandkids at least 3-4 times a week.
My brothers kids cringe when the mention of visiting my mom comes up.
So yeah, she's getting what she wanted, left alone.So far I'm thankfully nothing like my parents. I have my flaws but my kids know I love and support them. I verbally tell them several times a day. Goes a long way.I'm not like my parents except in attitude.
I spend a great deal of time with my kids. The adults and the teenagers, except the one who lives 500 miles away lol.
I support them in just about everything they choose to do. I'm not always happy with their choices but... IT'S THEIR LIVES.
I listen to what my children have to say, I consider their points of view and we talk about why I do, think, believe the things I do and why they don't have to just because I do.I didn't hit my children. I helped them pay for their first car and a lot of their college. She's an obstetrician, he's an architect and first responder.
I get to see my grandchildren unlike my parents.
Cycle brokenIt's worked out pretty great tbh. One of my parents was addicted to hard drugs, and the other was extremely physically, verbally, and mentally abusive. I don't do drugs, drink, and I don't hit my child *ever* or scream or tell her she's a failure at anything. My bar was on the ground.
I'm facing challenges of my own. Staying present is a big issue for me. I have to make a very conscious effort to stay in the moment or I can easily get lost in my own head or my book or whatever it is I'm doing. No matter how tedious the talk is, I try to stay in the conversation.
I don't aim for perfection. I just want to do ok and try to leave my daughter with as few bad memories as possible. Let her know she's loved and wanted. That I have her back. Watching her grow and become the smart, well behaved, creative and resourceful kid she is has been a blessing, no matter how hard it's been.I tell my kids I love them, it’s not something I heard growing up.Actually decided against kids.
Whilst I still absolutely believe my mum was abusive still (it's not really a debate, she literally used violence as the main method of punishment, amongst other issues), I still recognise that there isn't an excuse for that, I appreciate and understand her mental health issues and pressures at the time much better.
So, sure, I still wouldn't want to be anything like her.
But I also recognise enough of my own mental health issues and limitations, and in confident I'll be happier without kids anyway.
So, to answer the question directly, I think less harshly of my mum and realised I don't want kids.My parents were working all the time and I was basically raise by my older sister. My mom was always to tired to play with me and my dad slept all day and worked over nights so I hardly saw him. I spent a lot of time playing alone at home or watching TV when my sister wasn't there which by the time I was 8 she was basically moved out of the house and would visit every now and then.
I am a single mother and only work when my daughter is in school, I make sure to always play a game with her when she ask and to also do fun things/visit new places with her. All the things I wanted to do at her age.
I never want my daughter to feel lonely like I felt at her age. I feel like it's going really well for both of us.Worked out great for me! All my kids still talk to me.I'm okay with the idea that I'm like my mom in many ways, she was a pretty amazing woman. I have taken the best part of what my mom had to offer and fixed her shortcomings as best I've been able. I've come to realize that my kids will do the same should they choose to have kids of their own.My mom was paranoid schizophrenic with paranoid delusions and wouldn't take meds. I am just bipolar with anxiety and depression and I take meds, so I guess I won?My daughter will need far less therapy than I currently receive. She laughs her nights away playing with online friends, has 2 jobs she really likes, and is just an all-around, well-adjusted sweetheart. I tried my best to keep this cruel world from hurting her.A little better. I can empathize a little with their frustration, but I'd rather still not act like they did. My kids seem like they like me. I stopped liking my mom at a very young age. Rather, I never had loving feelings toward her.I have a great relationship with my children.
