Medical professionals hold rigorous jobs, and that’s putting it lightly. The job is all about saving lives, many of which are lost along the way. In some instances, the circumstances are out of their control.
However, this isn’t to say that there isn’t a lighter side to their profession. In these stories you’re about to read, the chucklesome moments were courtesy of the patients themselves.
While many occurred during medical emergencies and procedures, they did serve as an icebreaker that instantly eased tensions. Enjoy scrolling through!
#1
I woke up in the middle of having a tumor removed and asked "Can I see it?". Four sets of deer-in-the-headlights eyes turned to me, and I heard a metal tool drop to the ground. "Please wash that" I managed to say before the anesthesiologist got to me.
© Photo: lethaldose
#2
"Just cuz there's snow on the roof doesn't mean there isn't a fire in the furnace" -a little old lady who was hitting on all the firemen on scene. She was adorable.
© Photo: atomicrose555
#3
One time there was this doc I worked with, good looking, very kind. This lady must have been in her 70s, she goes “do you think I’m too old to get a tattoo doctor?” He said “no, I think anyone can get a tattoo” and she goes, “good, I’m going to get a turkey (smacks thigh) on one thigh and a Christmas tree on the other(smacks other thigh)… And remind people it’s good eatin’ between the holidays” and then proceeded to wink at him.
He blushed so badly. 😂😂😂 this was hilarious because this woman looked very old and frail, didn’t expect that.
© Photo: Madhipstermagic
#4
NAD but patient
Just had a cesarean and was in recovery just waking up from anesthesia. Hadn't opened my eyes yet but could sense my nurse doing her business around me.
Then the nurse says 'we should go camping this weekend'. I said to her 'I would but I just got this cesarean done and don't think I can make it'.
Then I hear a round of laughter and open my eyes. Apparently there were two nurses working around me and I didn't hear the second one. That's who my nurse was talking to lol.
Minutes later my mom and sister come in and they're like we knew you were awake cos we heard the laughing lol.
© Photo: F43CanadianRedditor
#5
Not a doctor, but once when I was in the recovery room after a surgery, I was directly across from an older gentleman who was very high on the remnants of anesthesia and some [pain medication]. He was talking really loudly and when a nurse asked him how he was doing he said “I have never felt so marvelously fabulous ever before! It makes me wish I’d been gay! Do you see how my dress swishes?!”
He was just so happy.
© Photo: throwawayacct654987
#6
90 y/o patient with acute dementia looks at her reflection in the ambulance door and goes “who’s that pretty lady?”
© Photo: mayaorsomething
#7
Winter night, outside a disco (decades ago obviously), slip and fall on ice. Dude is unconscious and leg badly broken. Had to cut the leg of the very tight pants all the way up to check the damage and stabilize the leg. While doing so, a bratwurst fell out of his pants. I'm not using that as a euphemism. A literal sausage in Saran wrap fell out. We all had to take a minute.
© Photo: anon
#8
My dad was diagnosed with advanced colon cancer during peak pandemic times, it was incredibly stressful and scary. His surgeon was incredibly kind and reassuring. My dad is always a wit, though. When the surgeon came to see him just before they put him under for a very long surgery (including bowel resection) my dad looked him in the eye and said “Well, let’s go make some sausage.”
© Photo: SpeakerCareless
#9
One of my friends is a paramedic and apparently he picked up this older guy who almost got robbed by these two teenagers but won while drunk.
He works the nightshift, so he picks up some crazies. Essentially what happened was the older guy went to the bar and had a few too many drinks. He was stumbling home when a couple of teenagers got a big kitchen knife and threatened him with it for the old man's wallet.
They chose their target wrong. He reached into his pocket (my friend said he told them this on the way to the hospital) and instead of pulling out his wallet (which was empty at the time) and pulled out a set of brass knuckles. Brass knuckles. This was a seventy-something year old man with a set of brass knuckles. He punched the first kid and the other kid with the knife cut at him, luckily barely grazing his chest, and bam, the other kid's nose is broken.
As it turns out, he was the nicest, funniest grandpa ever. He only spent one night in the hospital and went home the next day.
© Photo: Masterdier
#10
Lady was drunk as a skunk. I knew she was drunk, she knew she was drunk, her husband knew she was drunk. And the medic I was working with asked for a bgl before we left. I get everything out and do the "it will just be a quick prick on your finger and we'll be all done." She pipes up "I've been married to him for 20 years, I'm used to getting a quick prick and hardly feeling it."...commence 3 of us all doing the 😬 face, okay.... time to leave.
© Photo: sucksatgolf
#11
My partner (medic) was prepping an elderly lady for an EKG. He politely explained the procedure, exposed here chest and stated "ma'am, I'm going to use the back of my hand to move your bosom, so I can apply these stickers". To which she responded, happily "oh dear, is been years since a man has handed my bosoms!". I thought I was going to have to call an ambulance for HIM!
© Photo: Upset-Pin-1638
#12
So not me - my flatmate is an A&E nurse. Came home one day with a patient who had come from mental health, who had swallowed a toothbrush. A full size one - not broken up, just chewed and swallowed nearly whole.
My flatmate asked why she has done it to work out if she needed to be watched as a risk.
Patient turned around and said “well I’m not in mental health facility for nothing.”
Fair.
#13
I had jaw surgery last year and started to get really scared as I sat in my hospital bed waiting to be wheeled into surgery. My mom was with me and I told her how much I wished my dog was there because snuggling her always makes me feel better. I guess having my dog on my mind turned into some weird thoughts once they gave me drugs because apparently I started crying out of the fear that they were going to give me dog teeth.
© Photo: ElectricPoncho
#14
Pregnant woman on pain meds told us this was her 5th garden gnome she was having and how she kept her collection of gnomes in her garden.
#15
I’ve told this story on Reddit before but here ya go…
Got a job for a woman bitten by a horse. I’d had a couple of those, usually it’s the [behind] or the thigh. Horses can be pricks, gotta love ‘em. NASTY bruising but never broke the skin (probably because of denim, but perhaps because the horse was just in a bad mood or didn’t like the person. I figure a horse could bite & rip your quad or glute clean out if it wanted).
I arrive to find a lady holding a blood soaked something to her hand while cops and firefighters are looking down all over the paddock.
Lady stopped her car full of kids to look at the pretty horsey. Decided to feed the horsey an apple. Lady had never fed a horsey before, didn’t know HOW to hand feed a horsey. Horsey bit her dominant pinky off. Clean thru the base knuckle.
She just kept exclaiming “BUT THEY’RE VEGETARIANS!”
© Photo: minnesotawristwatch
#16
I used to volunteer with an occupational therapist friend each Sunday at an Alzheimer's home. Occasionally we'd have day trips to the river or park where we had to keep an eye on a seventy year-old man named Eric who was once a health inspector. Eric would always make a beeline toward any cafe or eatery whenever he was out so as to inspect the standard of hygiene in the kitchens, and was once found berating a restaurant owner about the condition of his oven.
#17
College freshman, waking up to me starting an IV on her in the back of the rig: “OMG, I’m on Grey’s Anatomy!!”.
© Photo: pm_me_happy_smiles-
#18
Responded to a distress call from neighbors that heard calls for help. So police and fire were dispatched. After we gained entry, we heard more shouting from the upstairs. Entering into the master bedroom we saw a women tied to the bed, and on the other side, between the dresser and the bed, an unresponsive man crinkled awkwardly on the floor. He was also completely [bare] except for a full latex Batman mask. Turns out while during role play, he lost his footing jumping from the dresser and missed the bed. Suffered a concussion and broken neck. He had surgery, and lived.
#19
Paramedic. We responded to a 92 yo M “fall case.” Get to the apartment and wife and home care nurse(!!!) greet us. Direct us to the bathroom.
Elderly guy is in front of the toilet upside down (imagine doing a somersault and stopping with your legs in the air) back to the door, completely [bare], with his legs slowly making bicycle motion. Home care nurse (!!!!) said they couldn’t get him out because he’s stuck. I immediately grab a hand towel by the sink and cover this guys [bottom] that is precariously facing straight up like a geyser waiting to spout.
There was one of those handrail contraptions installed around the toilet and this old timer managed to jiu jitsu himself around the legs of it somehow and his arms were pinned between the handrail contraption and the toilet with the weight of his body and head on his trapped arms. Getting him untangled from that was a total mess because of course the toilet is wedged into a tiny nook in the already very small condo bathroom.
My partner had to bearhug the old timer WWE pile driver style with the old guy’s daintily covered [bottom] right under my partner’s chin, to get the weight off his head and arms while I untangled him at the base of the toilet.
The patient had dementia and the home care nurse (!!!!) was incompetent, so the rest of the call was even more crazy. I always walk away from those elderly fall down calls wondering why, with so many people in the house, not one person thinks to put papa or granny’s pants on.
#20
We get toned to a call. The radio is [bad], but what we get is something to the effect of, “lawn mower, double leg amputation.” And the address. Everyone starts heading to the scene, pretty sure they even had a helicopter take off. We get to the scene, a good 20 minutes away, and they request a UTV to get the guy. It starts to dawn on us, the amputation and the lawn mower are not related like we initially thought. This double leg amputee rode his riding lawnmower down the the lake and the battery [had no charge], rendering him unable to get back. We rescued him, he bellowed, “it’s me! I’m the idiot!” as he cleared the woods, got in his pick up, nearly backed over our rig, and drove off into the night.
© Photo: KP_Wrath
#21
Nurse here. I walked in to a patient’s room to introduce myself. She was in her 90’s, with big thick glasses and she was knitting a scarf. She then proceeded to tell me a series of the raunchiest dirty jokes I’ve ever heard. My favorite was: what did the egg say to the boiling water? I don’t know if I can get hard, I just got laid.
Another favorite a 99-year-old woman that had a bruised leg. The entire leg was bruised, ankle to thigh. I asked her how it happened. She said “I fell during my step aerobics class. It hurt so bad I could hardly drive home.”
#22
Had an elderly woman that most likely had a UTI so she was confused at the time.
On the way to the hospital my newer EMT partner hit a set of railroad tracks a little too fast and about sent me through the ceiling of the ambulance. Out of reaction I yelled “Jesus Christ!”
My patient responded with “Where?!”.
#23
I wasn't the paramedic but I was the patient.
I had a few seizures out of the blue during work as a Hostess at a restaurant (later turned out to be a brain tumour..).
The paramedics showed up after my co-workers freaked out naturally and phoned it in, I'm in the restaurant's empty V.I.P lounge lying down on the floor, awake but not lucid.. when the paramedic started doing his usual tests and started talking to me I sat up and without flinching went "Hello! How many in your party?".
#24
I had a drunk guy apparently fall in love with me and would not stop hitting on me for the entire 7 minute transport. He even proposed to me in the Ambulance garage while he was still on the cot. Mind you I'm an overweight, short guy in my 30s, while I am bi I am also happily married and politely turned him down. My wife first got jealous then found it hilarious.
© Photo: not_wagner
#25
Two of our regular drunks come in (separately) by ambulance on a busy day. They're actually not very drunk today so they get sent out to the lobby to wait. They get bored, head to the nearby grocery store for some liquor. They return completely plastered. One is pushing the other in a wheelchair. They come flying down the ramp, hit a bump. Now Drunk in the wheelchair goes flying through the air and Drunk # 2 falls down laughing so hard he hits his head. I also almost fall down laughing as they both now need actual medical attention. "Goddangit Boys!". I no longer send either of them to the lobby to wait.
#26
I had to explain to a 17 year old girl and her mother that she was not in fact "allergic" to alcohol, but she was just hungover.
She complained that on nights when she drank too much vodka, usually on an empty stomach, that she would feel nauseous, flushed and sometimes vomit in the morning. But it didn't happen all the time, and there were no other typical symptoms of an allergic reaction.
#27
Just an ambulance EMT, and I only worked for the summer, but I had this one patient who had a head injury from hitting the curb on a motorized scooter and flying off. He was repeating himself, obviously hit his head pretty good. To test his memory, I asked him “do you know what happened to you?” (the fire department had told me the story) then when he couldn’t recall and I told him, he said “yeah, that sounds like me”.
#28
Dental nurse, so nothing all that outragous. But the one patient that definitely sticks to my memory is one old lady, she first came to us when she needed a new denture done. And what happened to the old, or rather, the previous denture? Well, you see, she had workers round her house to clean the septic tank. And she just had her dentures done a few days ago before that, and was still not quite used to wearing them. So, she stands at one end of the septic, one of the workers on the other, and she wanted to yell something at him. She just started "yo wait...!" And the upper denture yeeted itself from her mouth, and yup, directly into the septic tank. I really wish I was a fly on the wall when that happened, because the way she described it is just one huge ROFL siituation, that could be made better only if one saw it with their own eyes xD.
© Photo: NefInDaHouse
#29
Several years ago a colleague told me of a 89 year old lady came into A&E with a very high heart rate (referred by her GP).
After examining her and asking questions about smoking, diet etc, he asked her if she took alcohol, she confirmed she had a little red wine every day, he ask roughly how much, she wasn't really sure. "On a bad day I have a glass or two, on a good day I finish the bottle. Turns out she has a standing order with the local wine merchant for a case (12 bottles) a week.
#30
When I took the woman's meds to her and encouraged her to take them, she said, "I already did. You weren't here. I traveled ahead in time and took them and now I'm back at normal time." This is also the same woman that told me once, "I'm a bird, that's too big for a bird to eat, especially when I still have to fly today." She made the most of her dementia. 😊
#31
She called my belly a beer shelf and then made up a very profane, but very good, rap about me while transporting her.
© Photo: sunrise_and_sayonara
#32
“You’re cute, I’m almost done with my syphilis meds if you want to go out on a date.”
I politely said I had a girlfriend.
#33
My family and I talk about this guy all the time and every time we have to chuckle at how ridiculous he was.
I'm not the doctor in the family, my mother is. She was scheduled to perform a surgery on a patient who was traveling here from out of state. He brought along his wife and a few kids, and they stayed in a hotel near the hospital. Morning of the surgery he *accidentally* confessed to eating an entire continental breakfast (think eggs, bacon, a bagel, a couple of muffins, and one of those diy waffles some hotels have) before leaving the hotel and arriving at the hospital that morning because he'd been on autopilot and confused being in a hotel with being on vacation and had completely forgotten he was even having surgery.
We always think of that Seinfeld episode of Kramer telling Jerry he shouldn't brush his teeth 24 hours before seeing the dentist and Jerry tells him, no I think you're thinking of eating 24 hours before surgery.
Kramer shoots back with "Oh no, you got to eat before surgery... you need your strength."
#34
GP here. I had this guy come in and with all seriousness in the world ask if I could change his age because he felt uncomfortable being 40...
© Photo: Alexthegreatbelgian
#35
Coming out of anesthesia after a tonsillectomy at 26, I yelled, “Lieutenant Dan, you ain’t got no tonsils!”.
#36
Described her previous rectal bleed as “like a Bounty commercial!”.
#37
85 YOF c/c of seizures told me in the ED “Why don’t you slide in this bed and cuddle with me, I need me a fine gentleman like you to keep those pesky nurses away”.
#38
“Did you have to go to school to do this?”
Nope they just handed me a scalpel and told me to try my best.
#39
Me: "so what's going on tonight?"
Patient: "I'd tell you but nobody ever believes me."
Me: "no ma'am I'm here to help. I've heard a lot in my career. Now what's wrong?"
Patient (looking me in the eye): "the Aliens come into my house every night and impregnate me."
#40
I once took a stark [bare] and floridly psychotic gentleman to the hospital. We were having a difficult time understanding this fine citizen when he spoke, so when I asked him to please spell his name, he paused, drew a deep breath, and as fast as humanly possible, replied, "ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ!".
#41
I'm in Nursing school. My friend was telling me a male patient woke up and asked, "did I start my period?"
wat
#42
Drunk lady got injured while being kicked out of a bar, while screaming at PD and FD looks at my long hair that is down and instantly stops and begins crying and saying "[Freaking]Tarzan over here is the one taking me, goddangit".
© Photo: ShallRiv
#43
My dad is an orthopedic surgeon who does a lot of hips and knees and cries with laughter every time he tells the story of a woman who didn’t understand how hip surgery works and thought they were going to take her leg off, fix the hip, and then reattach her leg.
