Whether you only want to have some fun or are holding out for a serious commitment, today's love scene comes with a whole lot of weird baggage that we, for some reason, decided is no big deal. So, Reddit user JustLittleGirl_ thought it was time for a reality check, and kicked off a conversation on the platform, asking, "What’s something people pretend is normal in modern dating, but is actually insanely toxic when you think about it?" The answers poured in, and they're as honest, frustrating, and painfully relatable as they can get.
#1
So this makes me think of the guy in Bristol who set up his piano in public and vowed to not stop playing until he won back his ex girlfriend. To start people were like “this is so romantic” but it’s actually really toxic and gross. You got dumped. They don’t want you back. Don’t make a public spectacle to try and bully/shame her into taking you back.
“Displays of love” like that always creep me out.
Image credits: Yaseuk
If we were to take a quantitative look at the romantic landscape, a poll by Change Research of people between 18 and 34 would reveal that women's biggest red flag when looking for a relationship is a date revealing they're a MAGA Republican, with 76% of them saying it's a turnoff.
The second biggest red flag for women is folks who "have no hobbies" (66%), and the third is those who say, "All Lives Matter" (60%).
#2
Testing people instead of being honest.
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#3
Expecting someone to drop their opposite-s*x friendships. I know there are people that believe men and women can’t be just friends, but in my opinion we can especially when there are healthy boundaries and everyone is mature and respectful. Like yes, let me just immediately drop this person I’ve been friends with for years because you’re insecure?
Image credits: actively_snazzy
When it comes to men in the same age group, the biggest turn-off is people who identify as "communist" (64%), but they also have problems with those who have no hobbies (60%), as well as MAGA Republicans (59%).
Other turnoffs for men include being interested in astrology (41%) and saying, "All Lives Matter” (41%).
#4
Treating jealousy as a love language.
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#5
Recording your partner for pranks or "relationship tests" for social media.
Image credits: Jazzlike-Success8207
#6
I might get hate for this but demanding your partners location/and or making it mandatory to share locations. I understand for safety purposes but for me it feels rooted in ownership, insecurity and mistrust.
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On the other hand, both men and women overwhelmingly agreed that they are very interested in potential partners who read: 95% of women and 91% of men said reading is a green flag.
They also agreed that they are interested in people who research the best deals and rates before buying things: 88% of women listed being a smart consumer as a green flag, and men were close behind with 85%.
Interestingly, men (63%) and women (51%) also agreed it’s a green flag when someone looks better in person than in their online photos.
#7
Performing for each other instead of being real. People feel pressure to be endlessly witty, effortlessly cool, or emotionally detached like dating is a game of who can care less first. It’s exhausting and kind of dehumanizing.
Image credits: Optimal_Piano_23
#8
Posting publicly your lover's quarrel. Like bruh, you're embarrassing your partner on social media? And posting it next morning like nothing happened??
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#9
Public marriage proposals.
Image credits: AwkwardTurtle33
All in all, people seem to be content with the big picture. Results of the Forbes Health/OnePoll survey, which surveyed 5,000 Americans who have actively dated in the last five years, show that nearly 60% feel either very or somewhat positive about dating. 23% feel indifferent to dating, with just over 13% reporting negative feelings toward it. Additionally, men appear to have more positive sentiments (68%) compared to women (55%).
#10
Using someone else as a comfort while trying to figure out their situation with their ex… just happened to me. Completely messed up. Not ok.
Image credits: Freshflowersandhoney
#11
Tracking each other’s every movement.
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#12
Having to get permission from your partner before going out or running errands.
Image credits: Cigarette-milk
#13
Dudes initiating choking and other violent acts during intimacy without first asking for consent.
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#14
Not going to bed angry - majority of problems within a healthy relationship stems from overstimulation from stress. So staying up trying to figure it out may cause more mental torment versus sleeping (while still holding each other and saying I love you) and waking up feeling refreshed enough to speak .
Image credits: chun_li_120922
#15
Being expected to talk 24/7 and have no life outside of each other.
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#16
Playing hard to get.
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#17
Being obsessed with social media.
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#18
Sending unsolicited d**k pics.
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#19
The expectation to respond to texts immediately. Like you owe your partner your full time and attention.
(This is obviously not in every relationship, but it’s definitely in some.).
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#20
“The chase”
If you’re having to chase someone, you’re not mutually attracted to each other, you’re being predatory .
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#21
Deceiving someone into thinking you are exclusive to enjoy their focused attention.
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#22
Expecting s*x on the first date and swiping left on anyone who's not willing to put out immediately. Pressures people into feeling like they have to do it even if they don't want to.
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#23
For some odd reason it’s become normal and somewhat expected to share your location 100% of the time. It’s almost never for “safety”.
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#24
Making hypocritical demands.
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#25
Talking about exes excessively, being hung up on exes, and jumping from person to person instead of committing.
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#26
Posting everything about your relationship online.
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#27
Treating dating as if everybody is auditioning for you instead of considering the fact that dates are equals who are also taking time out of their busy lives to get to know you.
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#28
Having no tolerance for imperfection.
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#29
Comparisons.
Stop comparing your couple, your actions, and your involvement to what you see others doing on the Internet.
Image credits: Spiderbanana
#30
Love bombing, future faking, and, push and pull behaviors.
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#31
Well it's seen as a red flag if you don't live on social media. I have reddit but apps like instagram and snapchat felt pointless.
Takes me out of the running for a fair amount of people.
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#32
Being completely disingenuous from the get go.
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#33
Maybe not “normal” but bringing or suggesting to bring another person into the relationship.
Even worse if you have kids. I’ve known 2 couples who have done this. Both couples are divorced now.
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#34
Looking through each others phones.
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#35
Not being “allowed” to have opposite s*x friends. In a healthy, normal adult life, you can have friends of all identities and it shouldn’t be a problem. Getting mad at your partner for having friends is just weird.
#36
Looking through a partner's phone. Not just for the obvious aspect of jealousy and mistrust, but it violates the privacy of your partner's loved ones. When I text you, I am texting you, not your partner. I don't want my friends' partners looking through our text messages.
#37
Sharing social media passwords. Ew no. Your account is *YOURS* for a reason.
#38
Sending nudes or risque’ pictures to strangers. Would you walk up to a stranger on the street and strip down? No? Then why do it to a total stranger online?
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#39
No label situationships. No one asking you to get married on date 2, but at least figure out what the relationship is.
Image credits: Jesus-God-Cornbread
#40
Following the toxic advice of 'in order to get over someone you need to get under someone else'.
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#41
The pressure to get married. I can think of many great reasons a couple may wait 10 years to get married, but very few good reasons to have a 2 year dating to married turnaround. .
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#42
Putting up with your partner calling you insults during disagreements or arguments (stupid, idiot, b***h, etc), or calling your partner hyper casual and dismissive names during fights (i.e. bro).
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#43
Expecting excessive money spending on first dates.
"If it's not a high class restaurant, I don't even bother going".
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#44
Ghosting.
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#45
Ghosting, breaking up with long term partner over text/email.
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#46
"I know we were dating but we never officially said we were exclusive so you can't get mad I slept with someone else".
#47
Quiet treatment it feels manipulative.
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#48
Situationships.
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#49
Ghosting, ESPECIALLY if you go out on a few dates already. Ik most people take the hint after one date if they stop messaging, but if you’ve seen this person, especially a few times, it just shows a huge level of disrespect and leaves them confused as to why you don’t want to see them again. While I know mental health can impact ones actions (I’m very depressed lol) I don’t go out of my way to go on multiple dates with someone and straight up ghost them- you simply just say “hey I don’t think this is gonna work out- it’s nothing against you, I just need some time alone”.
Image credits: DrPhilsButthole420
#50
The expectation for constant communication through text or social media. This expectation makes it really easy for love bombers to disguise their tactics.
#51
Seeing numerous people at the same time. Not even trying to take the time to get to know one person before moving on. Just as many as possible, as if this is the way to find the right person.
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#52
Texting every second and a half.
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#53
Open relationships.
#54
That she is always right.
It's very normal for people to believe that the woman is right. And with some experience, I might also add that it's mostly been true for me. However, I've also seen a ton of people normalize this to a point where if he makes a good point, she is still the one who's right.
#55
It seems to me that society as a whole is moving to using Apps as the only way to start dating. Don't date colleagues, don't date friends, don't approach anyone organically because they're there to work/shop/relax/work out...
Just use tinder or Bumble and let some s****y algorithm designed to maximize profits decide who and how to date. We're now judging everybody on a never changing pattern of designed Apps: some pictures, a fun and original Bio, a quirky fact, my love language and an opening move.
I'm not talking about pickup artists and how to get someone's number BS, I'm talking about actual encounters and maybe seeing someone frequently and ask them out because you feel a connection. It seems like this is being frowned upon more and more. We don't see other people as being dateable, unless we stumble upon them swiping brainlessly. I think this leads to loneliness because it also makes people stop commiting. Something minor might suddenly be an ick and you ghost them for the next one walking by before even talking about it with the person. .
Image credits: Inevitable_Review388
#56
Ohhh I could make a list a mile long
—Ghosting someone you’ve met in person for any reason other than safety concerns.
—“Breadcrumbing” behavior of feigning interest in someone just to have them in reserve while you look for someone better.
—Spending entire dates talking to other people on your phone or planning entire dates around taking photos for social media.
—Imagining red flags because of something seen on social media, or ignoring red flags for the same reason
—The “non exclusivity without clarity” baseline
—Expecting, or even insisting on, a partner who shares all your same opinions because the internet hive mind made us think that’s normal.
—Oversharing about our dates and s*x lives with acquaintances and strangers in ways that violate the privacy of the partner.
#57
Social media, sending pictures, over communicating
I screwed up one time over sharing via text and I regret it so much. I was vulnerable and thought we were on the same page. It was a great reminder that the slow burn relationship is the best strategy for building trust and long term success, friendship or romantic or whatever. I won’t do any relationship building through technology anymore.
#58
The extreme categorization of sexual/romantic relationships.
#59
Hookup culture.
Image credits: Jazzlike-Success8207
#60
Dating apps.
#61
I know I’m going to be insanely downvoted for this but casual s*x. When you share that level of intimacy you are giving away a piece of your soul. I’m not saying you have to wait until you are married to share intimacy. But hooking up and or having s*x with a person that you barely know or don’t have deep feelings for it’s incredibly destructive to your soul. And don’t tell me that you haven’t woke up feeling that hollow ‘yuk’ the morning after. Because if you’ve done it you know it.
Image credits: AprilRain24
#62
Hook up culture. Don't get me wrong, I'm not encouraging purity culture as that is just as problematic. I have no qualms with people hooking up, but I really hate the emotional fallout afterwards.
Sure it feels great in the moment, but then you are never quite sure where you stand in the cold light of day. Even now, I never know where I stand with someone after we have s*x as questioning things somehow makes it weird. Or me seem needy.
I began dating during peak hook up culture in the 00s and the emergence of dating apps, which has definitely left me with some trust issues.
To be honest, I think everyone has been stung by hook up culture and I just wish people treated each as humans - rather than emotional-less bodies to fill a gap.
Maybe this is just me though...
