We are taught from a young age to be polite: to say the right things, to be agreeable, and to make others feel comfortable. But what if some of our most ingrained “polite” habits are having the opposite effect? There’s a subtle but significant difference between genuine connection and performative politeness. Sometimes, in our rush to be helpful or smooth over a situation, we engage in unintentionally dismissive behavior that leaves people feeling unheard, invalidated, or misunderstood. Here are six habits that you might think are polite but can actually feel quite dismissive.
1. Saying “I Understand” Too Quickly
When someone is sharing a deep or complex struggle, jumping in with a quick “I understand” can shut the conversation down. While intended to show empathy, it can come across as though you’re saying, “I get it, you can stop talking now.” True understanding takes time and active listening. A more connecting response would be, “Thank you for sharing that with me,” or, “That sounds incredibly difficult. Can you tell me more?”
2. Offering Unsolicited “Toxic Positivity”
When a friend is upset, responding with phrases like “Look on the bright side!” or “Everything happens for a reason” feels like you’re being encouraging. However, this is often a form of toxic positivity. It dismisses the person’s valid negative emotions and pressures them to feel happy when they’re not. True politeness is validating their feelings by saying something like, “It’s okay to feel sad about this,” allowing them the space to feel what they feel.
3. Immediately Sharing Your Own “Similar” Story
Someone tells you they’re stressed about a work deadline, and you immediately launch into a story about that one time you were *so* stressed at work. You think you’re bonding over a shared experience. However, this often shifts the focus of the conversation from their problem to your story. It can feel like you’re one-upping their struggle or simply waiting for your turn to talk. A better approach is to keep the focus on them until they ask about your experiences.
4. Using Placating Phrases like “Calm Down”
Telling someone to “calm down,” “relax,” or “don’t worry about it” is almost guaranteed to have the opposite effect. These phrases are classic examples of unintentionally dismissive behavior. They invalidate the person’s emotional state and imply that their reaction is inappropriate or an overreaction. It’s far more polite and effective to acknowledge their emotion with a phrase like, “I can see this is really upsetting you.”
5. Over-Apologizing for Minor Things
Constantly saying “I’m sorry” for things that aren’t your fault or for taking up space in a conversation can seem humble and polite. However, over-apologizing can diminish your presence and make others feel uncomfortable. It can also dilute the power of a genuine apology when one is truly needed. Politeness is about respect, not constant self-deprecation. Stand behind your words and save your apologies for when they really count.
6. Rushing to Offer a Solution
Similar to giving unsolicited advice, jumping straight into problem-solving mode when someone is venting is often dismissive. It assumes they are incapable of finding their own solutions and, more importantly, it skips over the crucial step of emotional validation. Most of the time, people need to feel heard far more than they need a quick fix. Ask, “Do you want to vent, or are you looking for solutions?” to show you respect their needs.
From Politeness to Genuine Connection
The difference between politeness and connection lies in the intention. Is your goal to simply smooth over a social interaction, or is it to truly hear and validate the person in front of you? By becoming more aware of unintentionally dismissive behavior, you can shift from empty platitudes to meaningful engagement, fostering relationships built on genuine understanding and respect.
Which of these habits do you recognize in yourself or others, and what’s a better way to show you’re truly listening?
Read more:
You Might Be Shutting People Down Without Realizing It — Here Are 7 Ways To Tell
10 Innocent Habits That Drive Your Spouse Up the Wall
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