The world of parenting is flooded with advice, from old-school adages passed down through generations to modern-day tips from social media influencers. While most of this advice is well-intentioned, some widely accepted strategies can have the opposite of the desired effect. Instead of fostering cooperation and respect, they can subtly sow seeds of anger and disconnection that breed resentment over time. Understanding which common tips to question is crucial for building a relationship with your child that’s based on trust, not control.
1. The “Because I Said So” Rule
This classic authoritarian response is often used by frustrated parents to end a negotiation or a “why” loop. While it may achieve short-term compliance, it teaches children that power, not reason, is what matters most. It dismisses their innate curiosity and their need to understand the world around them, sending the message that their thoughts and questions are irrelevant. Over time, this approach can breed resentment because it feels dismissive and unfair, eroding the open communication that healthy relationships are built on.
2. Forcing an Apology
Making a child say “I’m sorry” when they don’t feel it is a lesson in dishonesty, not empathy. It teaches them to perform a social ritual to escape punishment, rather than genuinely reflecting on their actions and understanding their impact on others. A forced apology feels hollow to the person receiving it and feels unjust to the child giving it. This can breed resentment towards the parent for forcing inauthenticity and towards the recipient of the fake apology, undermining the entire goal of reconciliation.
3. Telling a Child to “Stop Crying”
When a child is crying, they are expressing a powerful and valid emotion, whether it’s sadness, frustration, or physical pain. Telling them to “stop crying” or that “big kids don’t cry” sends a deeply damaging message: your feelings are an inconvenience and should be suppressed. This invalidation teaches them to mistrust their own emotions and can lead to difficulties with emotional regulation later in life. It doesn’t solve the underlying problem and can breed resentment for feeling unseen and unheard in their moments of distress.
4. Comparing Them to Siblings or Other Children
Using comparison as a motivational tool (“Why can’t you be more like your sister?”) is incredibly destructive. It sets up a dynamic of perpetual competition and can make a child feel that your love is conditional upon them measuring up to someone else. This tactic rarely motivates the child to do better; instead, it fosters feelings of inadequacy, jealousy, and anger. It damages not only the parent-child relationship but also the sibling relationship, and it is a guaranteed way to breed resentment.
5. Using Rewards for Every Good Behavior
Sticker charts for potty training or paying for good grades can seem like effective short-term strategies. However, an over-reliance on external rewards can kill a child’s intrinsic motivation. They learn to do things for the prize, not for the satisfaction of learning, contributing, or behaving well. When the rewards stop, the desired behavior often stops with it. This can also breed resentment when they feel they are owed something for every positive action.
6. Insisting on a “Clean Plate”
The “clean plate club” is a tradition rooted in not wasting food, but it teaches children to ignore their body’s natural hunger and satiety cues. Forcing a child to eat when they are full can create a negative association with mealtimes and can contribute to unhealthy eating patterns later in life. It turns meals into a power struggle rather than an enjoyable family experience. This battle of wills over a few bites of vegetables is a perfect recipe to breed resentment and food-related anxiety.
Parenting with Connection in Mind
The common denominator in these backfiring tips is a focus on control rather than connection. Effective, long-term parenting aims to build a foundation of mutual respect and understanding. By retiring these outdated tactics, you can create a family environment where children feel emotionally safe, respected as individuals, and motivated from within. Moving away from strategies that breed resentment allows you to cultivate a more authentic and loving relationship that will last a lifetime.
Is there a piece of common parenting advice you’ve found to be completely wrong? Let us know in the comments.
Read more:
10 Parenting Habits That Make Your Teen Hide Things from You
9 Parenting Conflicts That Predict Divorce Within Five Years
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