Children might be true masters of unintentional comedy. Their dead-pan delivery, unique approach to the limited information they have and creative minds sometimes produce sentences that really have never been uttered before. Plus, if an adult said some of these things, it would just be sad.
We’ve gathered some of the most random, funny and unhinged things kids have said that ended up being unintentionally hilarious. So get comfortable as you scroll through, upvote your favorites and be sure to share your own thoughts in the comments section below.
#1
My wife and I were taking several of our little nieces on a day trip and they came to an agreement among themselves that Santa had to be real because their mom was "too cheap to ever spend that much money on a gift".
Image credits: anon
#2
Here's a story from my mom about my brother:
They were at the grocery store and he was about 3. He liked to talk to people and say hi. As she was checking out, he talks to the cashier:
"Hi, my name is and this is my mommy! She has three holes and I came out of one of them!"
Poor Mom was mortified but the cashier was dying laughing.
Image credits: anon
#3
My 3 year old upon seeing an African American.
"Look Mommy! A basketball player."
*Said to my wife, not me.
Image credits: Esoteric_Erric
#4
She wouldn't eat her dinner...macaroni and cheese and chopped up hot dogs. I was getting frustrated, when she suddenly looked me in the eye and said very seriously 'I can't eat dis. I think the hot dogs are making the noodles noivous...' Turns out I'd undercooked the pasta. I had to hide my face to keep her from seeing me laugh.
To this day we call undercooked or al dente pasta 'nervous'.
Image credits: anon
#5
After the teacher told me my 5 year old said “What the hell?” on the playground.
“Momma, I didn’t say ‘what the hell?’ the bad word, I said ‘what the hell?’ the place.”
This was after I had had to have a conversation with him the morning before about the different contextual uses for the word hell.
He won..
Image credits: MartiN411
#6
When I was a kid and saw Romani women in their traditional dresses I told my mum to "look at those princesses".
Image credits: cinnamongirl1205
#7
Not said to me but overheard a conversation between two kids around 6 years old.
Kid 1, running up to Kid 2: "What's your name?"
Kid 2, slightly taken back: "I'm not telling you!"
Kid 1, turning around and walking off: "Guess it must be a pretty stupid name."
Image credits: MeltingDog
#8
My 3 year old is currently mispronouncing 'clucking' as 'f*****g'.
'Mommy! Chickens! F**k F**k F**k!'
'Mommy! The chickens are F**kiiiiinnnnnggg!'
We made the mistake of laughing so now he thinks it's something we love to hear.
Like in the middle of the grocery store, 'Mommiiieeee, f**k? You like f**kiiinnng!'.
Image credits: Skippy1611
#9
My three year old tried to punish her dad for not giving her something she wanted. Unfortunately, she lacked the vocabulary to call him anything actually devastating. So she called him a “yuck” with as much fury as she could muster.
I had to chastise her with a straight face for calling her dad a name, but I laughed my a*s off when she was sitting in time out.
Image credits: Abaiyachi
#10
My mother loves to tell the story of the time I was about two. My cousin, who was two months older than me, therefore knew EVERYTHING, had recently taught me a new word. We went to mass with the entire extended family and I was excited. After the sermon, during that moment of complete silence, I stood up on the pew and yelled out my new word, "Bull$**t!"
Poor Mom was both mortified and struggling not to laugh.
Image credits: morgain5
#11
Ok I'm not a mother, but when my son was 3 he was at nursery. As I was fetching him, he innocently asked the attractive 20 year old nursery worker 'Do you have any toys you play with at home?'
I almost lost it. To her credit she kept a very straight face.
Image credits: gasdocscott
#12
My oldest child had trouble with speech, specifically "s". We were in a gas station paying for my fuel and she asked me if she could have a (insert N word white people arent suppose to say here). I was mortified. Because I paused out of panic, she said it again louder than before because she thought I didn't hear her.
Edit: she wanted a Snickers.
Image credits: GOTdragons127
#13
My mom won’t let me down the moment that my brother slit my wrist with a weedwacker and I told her “Can I have a bandaid please” while sobbing and bleeding out.
Image credits: Bradybattlemask
#14
I told my cousins 6 year old that I was so fat because that's where I hid my secrets. She told me I needed less secrets.
I've lost 70 pounds so it's safe to say I now have less secrets.
Image credits: gothiclg
#15
Told my daughter she couldn’t have ice cream for breakfast and her response was, “I’m a queen and I make the rules; not you!” Crossed her arms and huffed. I wanted to laugh so badly but that attitude needed correcting.
Another funny moment that’s more my bad is when I whispered “what the f**k?!” not knowing my kid was right behind me. She then said “You can say that again!” 😂.
Image credits: brittanyh1012
#16
As a dad: today my 3 yr old daughter commented on the tv, that the news was 'not appropriate for her age', and I needed to switch to the 'my little pony' channel.
#17
My 6 year old announced at a family gathering "daddy's doodle has a beard".
#18
When my daughter was 3 I took her swimming at the local rec centre and proceeded to be humiliated.
We were changing in one of the alcoves when she take great interest in my adult body.
‘Oh mummy you have a beard!’
Trying to shush her and explain that our bodies are private she gets louder and more pointed.
‘When will I get a v****a beard! I want one!’
I explained she would have to wait until she was much older and she probably wouldn’t be as enthusiastic about it.
Bless her... she decided that this wasn’t fair and threw one of the biggest melt downs of her toddler years. Screaming through the rec centre about how it wasn’t fair that I got to have a v****a beard and she didn’t.
I WANT ONE NOW! I WANT A V****A BEARD NOW!
Edit: thanks everyone for enjoying a good laugh with me, my daughter is now 8 and I think it is now the funniest story. At the time I just wanted the world to swallow me whole...oh how the roles have reversed
Image credits: Insanityflowsuphill
#19
My 6 year old daughter had recently gotten into Bugs Bunny. One day I walked into the living room and asked her to pause her show. Now she had a long day as she had been out all morning running errands with me and she’s very small so I understand she was a little frustrated that her mother couldn’t leave her to her cartoons.
So anyway I asked her to pause her show to help me with a chore. She slowly took her time to find the controller and pauses it. Then she slowly turned around and looked straight into my eye balls and said in her best Bugs Bunny voice, “Eeeehhhhh...what’s up B***h?”
It took everything in me not to burst out laughing. I had to turn around and gather myself. It was so unexpected and she knew what she said cause immediately afterwards she apologized.
Image credits: ColdfingerInHer
#20
My mother used to work in a 5 star restaurant. The head chef was apparently an insufferably incompetent a*****e who thought he was superior to everyone else in the kitchen including my mother. This guy was so full of himself that he would go around to all of the guests he cooked for and fish for complements on what he made no matter how simple it was.
My mother says the funniest thing I said was when she took me to this restaurant. I ordered macaroni and cheese. This prompted this guy to come out and ask me, at 8 years old, how he likes my macaroni and cheese (because that was the only thing he made that was on my plate). It visibly destroyed him when I said it tasted like plastic and needed more cheese. She says he b**ched about "her kid having the audacity to say that to me" constantly for weeks after that, much to the amusement of the entire kitchen.
Image credits: anon
#21
My mum told me that when my brother was little, about 4 i think, he was drawing a picture in playschool. he suddenly scrunched it up and said "well, i f****d that up." the teacher couldn't laugh right then but she said she did after telling him not to say that because it was such perfect context.
Image credits: rainbowfreckles_
#22
Answering for my wife. My daughter was 5 or 6. She was getting her hair cut by our stylist, who happens to be native American. My daughter was asking about some of the symbols and decorations at her station and when my daughter learned about her being native American, she promptly asked "But where are the feathers in your hair?"
Fortunately, we have known this lady for decades and she merely broke up laughing. And explained in her tribe that only the boys wear feathers.
My daughter told her that that was a rip off.
Image credits: Gavroche15
#23
Well, you know how kisses make all the boo boos feel better? In public, my then two year old slipped and fell on his bottom and started crying. He then asked me to "kiss my butt!" and I didn't. So from his point of view, mommy has the cure for his pain and is not sharing it, so he started sobbing "Mommy kiss my butt!" over and over again.
Image credits: Maebyfunke37
#24
My 4 year old grandson put two child cups up to his chest and said “Look at me, I’ve got n**ples!” I had to walk quickly away.
Image credits: tearsofhaha
#25
When my son was 4, he was really into Paw Patrol. For those of you fortunate enough to have never heard the theme tune, it goes something like..
‘Paw patrol, paw patrol, we’ll be there on the double..
No job too big! No job too small! Paw patrol, were on a roll!..’
Earlier in the day, my son had been asking me about different types of dogs and we had mentioned cockapoo’s. As I was cooking dinner, I heard a little voice singing from the living room..
‘Cockapoo..cockapoo.. no c**k too big! No c**k too small!!’ .. I don’t think I’ve ever heard the theme tune in the same way again.
Image credits: Pewdiddlypie
#26
I’m really accident prone, and so is my kid. Like trip over the cord to a cordless phone clumsy. When he was 4, he was running through my SILs kitchen, tripped and face planted. When he hit the floor he yelled out “F**K!” then got up, decided he was ok, and apologized for saying a grown-up word.
He looks so much more like his father than me, but every once in a while, like this occasion, it’s “oh look, there’s the proof he’s mine.”.
Image credits: GloInTheDarkUnicorn
#27
Christmas 2017, my 10 year old son got a puppy. He had been dreaming of this dog, reading books and taking full responsibility for our older German Shepherd for the better part of a year before he received his puppy. Being really into Pokémon, he named him Ash.
What we didn’t see coming, but probably should have, was that his three year old brother would mispronounce ‘Ash’ as ‘A*s’. He went around to every adult he saw that Christmas Day and told them about our new puppy, A*s. I worked really hard with him and finally got him to say it correctly by say “Aaaaaa” - putting my finger up to my lips as if to be quiet “shhhhhhhh”.
Still sounds like A*s.
Image credits: anon
#28
My 3,5 year old twins were playing foosball. My son was very exited and said: "Mommy look, we play like ordinary people! ".
Image credits: oneheartpersoul
#29
My daughter came home from school (they had been learning about planets) and out of nowhere says, "Mom, did you know that Uranus had a faint, green glow?".
Image credits: CD-i_Tingle
#30
I went to ask my mom on this fine Mother's day. When my brother was 9, my mom was yelling at him for something. In the most serious voice he could muster he said, "But I'm a man mommy!"
She said she wanted to laugh, but just said "Okay" and walked out. No one in my family has ever let him live that moment down.
Image credits: PeppermintCarnations
#31
Dad mode here.
When my youngest was 3 he had a magnetic alphabet on the fridge he'd play with. He put the letter "A" on like a ring and it got stuck on his finger so he panicked and ran to me. Through tears he told me "I got my finger stuck in my 'A' hole".
#32
My mom was young when she had my siblings and me, so our children grew up with great grandparents who were just as big a part of their lives as most kids' grandparents are. One morning my three year old niece was dissatisfied with something my sister was doing, so she hotly informed my sister that as soon as they got to Granny's house she was going to tell her mother on her and she would be in trouble!
My sister laughed and explained that Granny was not her mother, grandma is and Granny is Grandma's mother. Then my sister scoffed and said, 'girl, how are you going to tell my mama anything? You don't even know who my mama is!'.
Later that day, while they were doing whatever they were doing at my grandmother's house, the niece repeated a misbehavior that she had gotten into trouble for earlier and had been warned against repeating. My sister scolded her and said she'd be telling her dad about it when he got home that evening. My niece glared at her, scoffed, and said, 'how are you going to tell my daddy anything? You don't even know who my daddy is!'. There was a stampede out of that room because we didn't dare let her see that we were laughing or it would become her new 'thing'.
#33
My son and daughter were about 7 and 9 when Fred was a youtube thing. I got home from work one afternoon and they were so excited to tell me about an episode of Fred they had just watched. In the episode Fred says his mom spends a lot of alone time in the bathroom listening to the radio, but the radio must be broken because it just goes bzzzzzzzz. It was impossible to keep a straight face. I asked if they knew what he was talking about and they looked at me like I was stupid and said "duh! Shes shaving her legs!"
Yes my darlings shes shaving her legs. 😅.
#34
I was babysitting asked if I wanted to marry him. I explained I'm too old for him and he said "that's right, you're 100" I was sixteen at the time.
Image credits: queerqueen098
#35
My name is Clint and my partner is Rick. His nephew at 2 called us Cl*t and D*ck.
Image credits: Hulkling
#36
Im the child but oh god I've said some dumb s**t as a kid. The best one my mom tells people is when I was 5 she was telling me about a women's cycle cause I walked in on her in the bathroom during her period. Shes a doctor so she gave me quite a medical breakdown and apparently I took it well until she asked if i had any comments. Apparently fly i threw my arms up in the air and went "WHAT A WASTE OF AN EGG"
I also called fruit loops "foot poops" and at 2-3 said "I want to d**k my d**k peese" whenever I wanted my cup.
#37
Not a mom, but one time I ran inside, crying, sobbing, the whole shebang. I then say, “brother called me a tattle-tail!” She then had to explain that the reason I was a tattle-tail was because I told her about everything, while trying not to laugh at me.
She never will let me live it down, though to be fair, it is hilarious.
#38
My Mum often tells me about a time we went out to eat when I was four or five. I was able to use the washroom independently at that point, and the restaurant had single occupancy washrooms that were visible from the table, so she and Dad let me go by myself.
While in the washroom, some lady comes up and starts jiggling the handle, then knocks and jiggles it again. Now, I have never liked being interrupted in the washroom, and by the third jiggle, I was mad. I shouted at the top of my lungs, "Go away! I'm having a p*o!". The whole restaurant started laughing, and the offending lady looked embarrassed and left to wait until it was free, like she should have done after she found it locked.
Mum said it was hard to keep a straight face when I came back cool as a cucumber, like it was obvious one had to shout at p*o-interrupters.
#39
When my youngest was 2 she pronounced "microphone" as "mofo". She would ask to get on peoples' laps by saying "up? yours?" If you didn't respond in her preferred timeframe (i.e., immediately), she would crawl up on you (whether you were standing or sitting, she's part monkey) and put a hand on either side of your face to make you look right at her.
So we're at my husband's grandparents' 75th anniversary dinner with his entire extended family and much of his church community (he was a deacon). Husband stands up to make a toast on behalf of the grandchildren. Youngest sees that he is getting to use the microphone to do so. I am trying to deal with child #3's bloody nose, and am unable to stop youngest as she runs to her dad, shouting (because 2 year olds have one volume, "as loud as physically possible") "mofo! Up! Yours!"
Husband attempts to ignore her, so she launches into full monkey mode and shimmies up him to the microphone, and everyone in the church hall gets to hear "MOFO! UP! YOURS!" a good ten times before he can wrestle the mofo away from her.
#40
I have a tulip in a planter by my door and it’s just starting to bloom. My 7 year old said “oh s**t mom! It’s blooming!”.
#41
Not a mom,
but when I was little me and my mom went to the pond to feed the ducks. It was winter, and as it had rained the night before and temperature had dropped below freezing point in the morning, there was ice everywhere and it was slippery as heck.
Anyhow, I approached the pond and the ducks started to gather because they knew that I would feed them. Just as I was about to open the bread packaging I slipped and started sliding down towards the pond on my a*s. All the ducks freaked out and started quaking and flying all over the place, but to little eight-year-old me it sounded like the ducks were laughing at me and I started crying.
My mom couldn't come help me up for a while because she was laughing so hard she had to sit down.
I'm not sure if I mom had a proper "mom mode", but she was awesome, so all is forgiven.
#42
Several years ago, my daughter who was maybe 4 at the time was big into YouTube, like the rest of the tiny population. She had and iPad and liked to pretend to have a “show”.
One day as I was reviewing her handiwork I came across a short video with her adorable smiling face.
She says:
“Hey guys! This is the BAD WORD SHOW! This is the show where we say ALL the bad words we know....F****N’ dammit f**k!”
Obviously, she was reprimanded, lost her iPad for a period of time and also lost the privilege of being able to make videos on her iPad.
Little does she know, I also sent that video to myself and have laughed and laughed with my friends and family while showing my adorable blonde baby letting out some fierce verbiage.
#43
My mom was never more mortified than the time I "politely" introduced myself to an elderly lady in our local grocery store. I was 5 and my older brothers had taught me the "most polite" way to say hello. She called me over and said, "Sara, come meet Mrs. Myrtle!" I ran up, flipped her two birds, and said, "nice to meet ya!".
#44
"You have a manly face but a kid's body" - My daughter, 9.
"Why was Jesus named after a swear word?" - My other daughter, 8.
Image credits: Unresponsiveskeleton
#45
One of my kids about age 4: “Daddy my bum was itchy and now my finger smells like poo”.
#46
I'm a 90's kid, I grew up Grunge and still dress like I am auditioning for a Nirvana film clip. I was telling my 10yr old daughter that I was thinking about growing dreadlocks and she said "Well you already look homeless so why not?"
#47
Hotel worker checking in mum and 4 yo. Mum 22/23. Me 51.
Mummy wants a bf. Do you want to be mummies bf.
#48
When my twins were around 2 years old they were in their high chairs eating. My son kept stealing food off of my daughter's plate. She finally slapped his hand and said. "Stop touching my food, fu#$?ker!" I had to laugh, my husband was mortified.
At that age most parents know the best thing to do is nothing at all, unless it continues. I honestly think it was babble that came out wrong (or right?). My kids always said things weird...for instance my son always called chips "pitches". Just got mixed up in his wee brain.
#49
Daughter: "Mommy look, that's a big c**k!"
I look to where she's pointing to see the kitchen clock. Needless to say, her dad and I may have recorded her saying the once or four times.
#50
Not a mom, but my mom says that when I was like 3, instead of playing at the park with the kids, I would put my hand on the pants of the moms that were there and hit on them. She quite obviously couldn’t laugh then.
#51
My moms favorite one is when she came out to me drawing on my plastic tricycle with chalk. In an effort to teach me that chalk only goes on the sidewalk she told me I couldn't draw on my tryke. I proceeded to cross my arms, huff madly and reply with "you just dont undersant me!".
#52
When I was about 2 my mum was in a shop buying something and I was in my pushchair. The shopkeeper was a dwarf and had to use a stepladder to reach some of the things on the higher shelves. I said loudly "MUMMY, LOOK AT THAT FUNNY LITTLE MAN!".
#53
My oldest boy got a tummy ache and asked for some Pepto Dismal. It's been Pepto Dismal ever since.
#54
I was the kid. We were in the showers at a pool and I pointed at a lady in her shower and exclaimed "mom, look at how long her b***s are!" to be fair the ladies b***s were so long she could put them over her shoulder to wash under them.
#55
Most of the funniest parts were when we realized our oldest started to understand physiological differences in gender. We used to just pass each other the baby in the shower (whoever was in the shower while baby needed to be washed got washing duty, the one who wasn't in the shower got drying off and dressing duty.)
Well, one day I handed her to her dad, and she was around 2, and a little while later he comes out horrified, saying said he can't shower her anymore. Turns out she looked at him, used what little vocabulary she had at the time, and proclaimed that "daddy has a front butt tail."
Then a little after, she comes to me and says "Daddy has eggs in his pants." (She saw him in his boxer briefs.)
10/10 for creativity.
You really can't laugh at this stuff because it just makes them fixate on it but boy, was it hilarious.
#56
I was working in childcare and changing a boy’s nappy. He says to me ‘I have a small willy…but my daddy has a really big one!’ I worked very hard to keep a straight face, and his mother thought it was absolutely hilarious when I told her that afternoon.
#57
When my son was a toddler we were grocery shopping and he noticed a larger guy in the isle close by and loudly asked me “why is that man’s bum on the front as well?” I was mortified, we made eye contact, I was about to apologise when the guy had a bit of a laugh. That was awkward.
#58
When I was 18 months old, I told my dad "I sick and tired of you b******g me." He said "What did you say?!?". I replied "I tired, I go to bed."
My mom still brings this up to this day.
