Everyone wants to feel secure and valued in their relationship. But sometimes, people use relationship power moves to try to gain control or protect themselves. These tactics might seem clever or justified in the moment, yet they often do more harm than good. Instead of building trust, they create distance and resentment. Understanding which power moves tend to end badly can help you avoid unnecessary heartache and keep your connection healthy. If you’re looking for a stronger bond, it’s crucial to know what behaviors to avoid.
1. Ultimatums: My Way or the Highway
Ultimatums are classic relationship power moves. They sound like, “If you don’t do this, I’m leaving,” or “Change that or it’s over.” While it might seem like a way to get your needs met, ultimatums usually breed resentment. Your partner may feel manipulated rather than motivated to improve things.
Over time, using ultimatums erodes trust and intimacy. It puts both partners on edge, making honest communication difficult. Instead of fostering cooperation, it drives a wedge between you. Healthy relationships thrive on open dialogue, not threats.
2. Withholding Affection as Punishment
Another power move in a relationship is withholding affection or attention to control your partner’s behavior. Maybe you give the silent treatment or refuse to be physically close until you get your way. While it might feel like you’re teaching them a lesson, this approach rarely works out.
Partners begin to feel rejected and insecure, which can lead to emotional distance or even infidelity. Love shouldn’t be used as a bargaining chip. If something bothers you, it’s better to talk about it honestly rather than using affection as a reward or punishment.
3. Keeping Score
Keeping score means tallying up every favor, mistake, or slight in your relationship. You might remind your partner of everything you’ve done for them or throw past errors in their face during arguments. While it might seem fair to “balance the books,” this relationship power move usually creates a toxic atmosphere.
No one wants to feel like they’re always being judged or measured. Scorekeeping turns love into a transaction, not a partnership. It’s important to address issues as they come up, but constantly dredging up the past prevents both of you from moving forward. Instead, focus on resolving problems in the present and letting go of old grievances.
4. Financial Manipulation
Money can be a powerful tool in relationships, but using it to control your partner is a dangerous power move. This might look like restricting access to joint accounts, demanding receipts for every purchase, or threatening to cut financial support during disagreements. While you may feel justified in protecting your assets, this tactic often leads to mistrust and even legal trouble.
Financial manipulation is a form of control that can quickly cross the line into abuse. It undermines the foundation of equality and respect that healthy relationships need.
5. Public Shaming or Airing Dirty Laundry
Some people use public shaming as a power move in relationships, calling out their partner’s flaws or mistakes in front of friends, family, or even online. This is often done to gain sympathy or reinforce dominance. While it might win you a few allies in the short term, airing dirty laundry almost always backfires.
Public humiliation damages trust and makes your partner feel unsafe or defensive. It can also isolate you both from your support networks, as others may feel uncomfortable or take sides. Instead, address sensitive issues privately and respectfully.
Building True Partnership Instead of Power Plays
It’s tempting to use relationship power moves when you feel unheard, frustrated, or insecure. But these tactics almost always end badly and damage the trust you’re trying to protect. Instead of focusing on who has the upper hand, work together to solve problems and address needs honestly.
Healthy relationships are built on respect, empathy, and open communication—not manipulation or control. If you notice yourself reaching for a power move, pause and ask what you really want. Is it to win, or to feel connected? Shifting your approach can make all the difference in building a lasting partnership.
Have you ever seen relationship power moves hurt a couple, or experienced one yourself? Share your thoughts or stories in the comments below.
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