If you truly love someone, you’ll accept them as they are. Hearing your partner sing in the shower or snore loudly shouldn’t suddenly make you question everything. But sometimes, it takes being in a committed relationship to clearly see all of the red flags your partner is waving.
Women on Reddit have recently been opening up about the niche red flags that they didn’t spot in their exes until they had already been dating for a while. From being obsessed with luxury goods to believing in dragons, apparently, not everyone advertises their worst qualities on the first date. But we hope you’ll enjoy scrolling through this list, and be sure to upvote the behaviors and traits that would be deal-breakers for you too!
#1
After several years together, my ex proudly proclaimed he hadn't read a book since college. I was floored, this man had been a science teacher!
I'd found an interesting nonfiction book on a niche topic I tend to get nerdy about. He walked in on me and said "Are you reading a TEXTBOOK... for FUN?" He looked and sounded so disgusted that I put it down and never finished it. It hadn't even occurred to me that it was a textbook, just an interesting-sounding book recommended by a podcast I liked.
We didn't last long after that.
Image credits: ExtraHorse
#2
He was so sensitive to criticism that he quit perfectly good jobs just to stop getting it, instead of taking the initiative to improve.
Image credits: JessonBI89
#3
He didn't know that things can expire even though they've been refrigerated. He ate a meat pizza that had been in there for at least over 2 weeks and seemed surprised when it made him violently ill.
Image credits: Temporary-Stand2049
#4
I only went on one date with this guy but he had tattoos of luxury brand logos. Like the Mercedes car logo. And stacks of cash.
Abort!!!!!
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#5
He believed in dragons. Swore they were real and walked the earth. Not dinosaurs, but dragons. Also anti-vax. (Not uber religious either, so not sure where these ideas came from).
Image credits: Winter-Fold7624
#6
“I don’t need friends.” Meanwhile complaining that he’s lonely because I’m not filling my niches in his life correctly.
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#7
He sent pics of women he considered hot to his mother for her thoughts.
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#8
Grown men should not be obsessed with anime girls. Full stop. I've seen it multiple times and it's never a good sign. I gave them the benefit of the doubt.
Image credits: YanCoffee
#9
He made me listen to music he hated. It was the weirdest thing. His coworkers loved a certain genre and he hated that he had to listen to it all day, complained about it all the time. Then, one day we had to drive about an hour to get somewhere, and he puts on the radio station his coworkers listen to. He's complaining about it, but doesn't turn it off. After about 20 minutes of this I ask to put on something else, and he says, "No. You have to suffer the same [stuff] I have to every day."
His other bad behavior was more of a conventional [mistreatment] sort, cheating, drinking, selfish, etc., but this stood out because it was the only time he made a specific point of making me miserable and wanted me to know it.
Image credits: invasionofthestrange
#10
He was into luxury things like diamonds and expensive watches. That in itself wasn’t a deal breaker for me; I like nice things, too, but I thought he could be stuck up and ignorant about it sometimes. One day I learned just how incredibly ignorant he was about it all when he tried to tell me that diamonds are so expensive because they’re star bits that crashed on earth from outer space. We’d been talking about how his brother bought his fiance a lab-grown diamond and how he would never do that, doesn’t understand why they’re such ethical hippies and what’s wrong with diamonds blah blah blah. He stated it as a fact just out of his own beliefs and despite being so into his luxuries, he had never bothered even once to look up information about them and what blood diamonds are and why ethical diamonds exist. We didn’t make it another year after that, and I never let him put a diamond (lab grown or otherwise) on my finger.
Image credits: posi_mistic
#11
Ha. My ex had two that I thought were strange.
1) He was incapable of not realizing that he can't leave expensive [stuff] in his car and not have it get stolen. Stereo? gone. Leather jacket? gone. Tool kit? gone.
I think somehow, he felt like it made him a better person for being so trusting or something?
2) he was extremely jealous. But not of other men. He was jealous of me. If we were out for dinner with friends and I said something funny that everyone laughed at? He would shut down. I mean, HE was the funny one! How dare I? I was also trying my hand at writing and got myself a literary agent. He (my ex) refused to read anything I wrote, because he just didn't think it would interest him. I was a singer in a band, and he rarely came out to see us play. And when he did, it never seemed like he was enjoying himself at all. Honestly, it seemed like the typical 'Manic Pixie Dreamgirl' (tm) scenario. I love all the quirky/creative things about this girl, so I should date her and squash them all.
Good news, I left him and have not dimmed my light since.
#12
I found out about malicious incompetence from my ex. Until him, I never met anyone who purposely did things horribly.
#13
1. He wouldn’t watch movies/tv shows or read books with a female protagonist because he said women aren’t engaging or interesting
2. He said women shouldn’t be comedians because we’re inherently unfunny
3. If we were watching tv and there was a kissing or love scene, he’d aggressively kiss me to make sure that I wasn’t watching ‘another man.’
Ew! So misogynistic.
Fortunately, I got out pretty soon after these things came to light… but I still regret the time I spent with him. I had to do a lot of work to unpack all of the terrible ways he treated me that I thought was normal. I always wonder about the women who came after me.
Image credits: smallytriangle
#14
My ex used to leave open packages of raw chicken sitting uncovered in the fridge. He also never washed his hands and would eat food that he'd left sitting on the counter for days.
He had explosive diarrhea every day for years. He visited multiple doctors, even specialists, and had two colonoscopies in his early 30s. They couldn't make a diagnosis. Eventually, they figured out that it was due to his abysmally poor hygiene habits.
He did not change.
Image credits: [deleted]
#15
He wore glass frames. Just the frames. No lenses. Like you could poke your fingers through the frame. I asked why, and he said his mom told him he looked better with glasses. The frames weren’t as much of a red flag as the fact that he took his mom’s criticism to heart so deeply he felt the need to wear fake frames all the time. I remember thinking I might let it slide if we were very young, but man was nearly 40. I couldn’t help but assume committing to the guy would mean deferring to his mom’s opinions about everything. Obviously no way to have confirmed those anxieties, but I wasn’t willing to find out.
Image credits: Global_Green8231
#16
He liked to break social norms to make everyone around him uncomfortable. He liked to watch them squirm trying to play off what he’d just said or done as something more normal than it actually was.
He was also great at picking out just the right gift. So imagine my surprise when we’re out at a fancy restaurant for my birthday and he’s eagerly asking me to open my birthday gift at the table. IT WAS AN AXE.
Image credits: Soul_Muppet
#17
My ex was a music snob and never wanted to hear my music playlists, only played his own. I didn't realize this for years as we had a lot of music taste overlap, so I enjoyed his curated playlists he put on. If I missed certain genres and would put them at home he would leave the room and play his music in another part of the house. He couldn't be bothered to tolerate it haha.
After breaking up after 15 years, I honestly felt a bit at a lost for what *my* music tastes were. I didn't realize how really bad it was until the new guy I'm seeing asked why I never played my music, or suggested playlists to him, even though he can tell I'm also a music nerd. I still feel awkward/afraid of what someone might think if I play music they might not like.
Image credits: Apprehensive-List833
#18
He introduced me to 4chan and said he went there every day to keep up with the news, without seeing anything “too disturbing”, which is literally the mainly kind of thing there.
#19
He had never been in love. He was 64, divorced twice, and many partners. Never been in love. And I was no exception. Also: cherry apple blossom crème rinse for masturbating in the shower every day and twice a day on the weekends. He kept a routine.
Image credits: Deep-Ad-9728
#20
He doesnt like going to the barbeshop and having an adult male do his hair. he thinks its gay to have anither guy touch his head.
Always want a woman and doesnt like getting the free shampoo, and head massage. He said he emphatizes with the boyfriend of the “pretty” hair dresser. He wouldnt want his girlfriend touching other guys head like that.
Image credits: chinchivitiz
#21
Did not want to talk about any ex-girlfriend ever.
Didn’t think that getting to know one’s neighbors (after living in the same house for multiple years) was a good idea.
What was this guy afraid of?
He had major AUD.
Image credits: Excellent-Goal4763
#22
He was secretly obsessed with Marilyn Monroe. I went to his childhood home for the first time and his room was covered from floor to ceiling with calendar cutouts and posters, with a large poster on the ceiling over his bed. And then I found a Marilyn tie, cigarette lighter, Christmas ornaments, pillowcases, and other “collectors” items in the dresser.
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#23
He left his Christmas tree up for over a year.
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#24
He didn’t know how to blow his nose.
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#25
He would always have something disparaging to say about women in larger bodies, a lot of times unprovoked. Like he would see a woman and say that she's disgusting or ugly and that he's not attracted to her, as if there was a secret camera somewhere and a tv show host asked him a question. Meanwhile back at the ranch, I'm not the smallest girlie pop and had gained some weight during the course of our relationship. It made me really side eye him.
Also, he would claim that he's apolitical and that he doesn't vote but would regurgitate every Conservative talking point if given the chance.
#26
Being obsessed with selvedge denim. I have never met a man who was obsessed with selvedge denim and emotionally healthy. My "ex" (loosely termed as we didn't go out for long) was sooo self-obsessed/superior about it, and so was every one of his friends also in this selvedge denim cult. The man literally had a "supplier" in Japan whom he would never stop bragging about. It was like every conversation with him would eventually circle back to selvedge denim.
Honestly, I love fashion, but my experience with straight men who also love fashion has been ghastly. I dated a few because of common interests, but omg they were all just insufferable about it and super snobby/gate keep-y rather than celebrating the fun parts. I'm sure I was probably just unlucky or something, but there's definitely at least a pink flag that pops up in my brain every time I meet one of those guys.
Image credits: hauteburrrito
#27
He liked Kitchen Nightmares but only watched compilation videos of the more dramatic parts. Do you know how stressful it is to not get any conclusion to those scenarios? It was just angry people, problems, unhappy customers over and over and over and over and over again.
I started watching (full episodes of) shows and movies in the other room because those compilation videos just put me on edge. I didn’t think it would be a problem, because we both needed to decompress, and he ignored me when he had the compilation shows on anyway. But then he would keep walking into the room I was in and looking at me/moving around until I gave him some sort of acknowledgement, which always pulled me away from enjoying my show/movie. It was like he enjoyed not letting me relax.
#28
He never closed cabinets, drawers, or containers after opening them. Unfortunately, he did the same with the refrigerator. His mother was exactly the same way!
Ceiling-Fan2:
My ex did this too! At first I thought oh he’s just forgetful. No, he’s just lazy af. Why you got ALL the kitchen cabinets open after making 1 freaking meal?!
#29
He was a culture snob, only read classic literature or award winning modern fiction, wouldn’t listen to up and coming music, wouldn’t watch any TV.
He was the 2000s version of a performative man.
#30
My ex liked to talk competitively with his boy crews. When I talked to him about this, he said it is just how male friendships supposed to be.
Nope. He was just arrogant and his male friends ended up ditching him. Of course he said: "tHe DitChINg cAMe Out Of NOwhERe!!!" 🙄🙄🙄🙄.
#31
4 years in “I’ve never had an emotional connection with anyone including my family”.
#32
He couldn’t get a grocery bag
I was already pretty close to breaking up with him but wanted one last convo Hail Mary if you will. We were grocery shopping. He is paying for it since we are cooking at his. Lady asks “would you like a bag?” He looks at me and I just look back at him like “dude idk what you want?” He confused says “yeah sure”
As we get out to the parking lot I get scolded “ you know I have a hard time talking to people why couldn’t you just answer?” “ answer what?” I had no clue what he was talking about. “The bag. I don’t want to talk to strangers or just random people.” “It’s the most common question every time you shop. You don’t need me for that”
it was right there I realized he became codependent on me doing even the most minuet little things. Mind you I wasn’t medicated prior for a sleeping issue or ADHD. I swear that lifted the fog and let me see SO many red flags I didn’t earlier.
Also the man was in his late 30’s just to add to it.
#33
Being a chronic people pleaser.
#34
He got some kind of mouth infection after eating from a plate he hadn’t washed for a long period of time.
#35
He struggled to regulate his emotions.
My nervous system often did not feel safe around him.
#36
Two things:
1. He would never give me even a bite of his food because it was “his.”
2. He ate all of each item at once. Like he would eat all of the steak and only then move on to the mashed potatoes.
#37
About 2 years into the relationship, I noticed that I started getting hives and rashes whenever I slept at his place. I am a very allergic person so just chocked it up to seasonal/dust etc. but he was pretty clean overall so it had me wondering…
Then, it somehow came up organically that he had never washed or changed his duvet cover since he’d lived in that apartment. He didn’t wash his duvet cover for 2 YEARS. I was so disgusted, already pretty unhappy in the relationship and that was a nail in the coffin for me.
AND THEN… a memory from early on in our relationship came up and haunted me. Our first ever fight happened when after [sleeping] in my bed, instead of getting up to get a towel or something to clean himself, he wiped his junk on MY freshly washed duvet cover. I was horrified, had to strip and wash it again obviously and got super pissed at him. He played it off like it was spontaneous and he wasn’t thinking straight, but was super defensive about it.
I’m now horrified thinking I was sleeping in a crusty duvet at his place. I want to throw up just thinking about it 🤢
No wonder I was getting hives and rashes from his bed. He suffered from frequent skin infections too.
This man was 27 years old….
#38
Not giving me any compliments. Expecting me to just believe that he likes me just because he exists. Not looking into my eyes even during intimacy. Answering with "Understood" when I was sharing my feelings. In general being very lukewarm. Being more affectionate to a cat than to me (when I asked why, his answer was "well you're not a cat"). I'm shocked I wasted my time with that dude and had to really dig into my traumas to understand why I ended up there. I left after two and a half months but it still was quite traumatizing.
#39
He’d cheated on the girl before me. He criticized all people and his family, extended family.. he talked very lightly about his grandma’s mistakes as if they were worse than his.. and was very derogatory. Tbh.. I hadn’t met a partner like that and he had a nice temper otherwise. After we broke up and learned so stuff and that he’d trash talked me.. I set things on fire.. didn’t tell him tho, he can keep ruining his own life.
#40
He had a party which his family attended. One of my friends, who is black, arrived and let himself into the house through the unlocked front door (as had everyone else). His mom screamed and grabbed her phone.
So, uh, could I stay with someone whose parents were so racist that when having a party, they thought a black man arriving at the party was, like, there to do crime? No. No, I could not. Immediately after that, I began noticing a lot of little things that I had thought were my ex being socially awkward that suddenly got recontextualized as racism.
#41
Zero ambition.
I'll preface this by saying that I have never been a materialistic person - I've never cared about money or status or any of that. However, my ex had zero ambition. He had a job that paid very little, despite being perfectly capable of doing "better." That man let me cover 90% of the bills and DROWN in debt for 15 years.
I never needed to be taken care of or provided for, but I needed to feel like I was in a partnership, to be met halfway, especially when we were struggling financially.
He had zero ambition, zero desire to do better for himself or his family. I saw that red flag early and never thought twice about it.
#42
The guy I dated a few times only ever talked about the book he was writing. I tried talking about other things but it would always come back to the book. Would turn up late to dates because of the book. It didn't even sound like a very interesting story either, from what I remember was very generic sci-fi that I was pretty sure I'd read by a published author.
#43
Not sure if this is niche enough, but men that struggle to sleep well. They have issues they haven’t properly dealt with.
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#44
When they turn their passion into their personality.
One guy I dated, he LOVED salsa. And I liked that because I love salsa too. But at my best salsa peak time I would go to salsa class once a week and maybe another time to a salsa party. He was going to salsa 4 nights a week. 1 class, 2-3 parties a week. He loved to talk about how he danced with the best dancers there and they complimented him. How he was the most advanced and sometimes he wouldnt be able to find damcers as good as him. He also loved to point out how salsa was better than bachata. It came to a point where he was prioritizing that over spending time with me and thats where I have an issue. When you become so obsessed with something that you will put it over everything else. If you need to spend 4-5 nights doing just this one hobby, and sidelining everything else, then it stops being a hobby and turns into an obsession. And I can uderstand a young guy who has juat fiscovered it or uses it as a creative outlet because doesnt have other things to do. But for a 36 y.o man who supposedly wants to create a relationship and later a family and is otherwise fulfilled in life, sounds a bit like something to unpack.
Other guy, met him at a bachata class. He LOVED bachata. Was coming to classes twice a week when we had classes and also 2-3 other extra nights when prof would ask for guys in another class, to help with leading. Then he would also go to parties. He loved talking about how much he has improved and how he loved dancing and how the prof has asked for his help bcs he is so good (he was ok). He didnt have other hobbies and we didnt have much to talk about.
#45
Realized that every relationship he had was attaching himself to couples like their child and gravitating toward the women because they babied him. All fun and zero accountability because no one ever leaned on him.
#46
I didn’t realize it at the time but he never drove anywhere. The only two times I was ever in his car was because I had a flat tire at work and because I had surgery and needed a ride. I drove us everywhere else… day trips to other cities, down the street to grab coffee. We both had newer cars at the time too. He just assumed I was always driving because he wanted to make it an argument if I said something otherwise. To be honest, driving was one of the only ways I could feel even a little less suffocated so I kept my mouth shut and enjoyed the outside world while I could.
#47
1. He’d claim he was broke and want to split everything evenly, but then spend money on going to hockey games and other events.
2. He’d weirdly brag about potential “what if” moments. For example, he bragged about being a potential backup goalie for an NHL team constantly… there were other examples of this too.
I came to realize that despite being a good person at heart and meaning well, he had a fragile ego and still had a lot of growing up to do.
#48
There were *plenty* of red flags I ignored, but the one I was just confused by the longest was the fact that this man, raised in a liberal house, so stuck up and better than all the republican hicks in our red state college town, befriended a known [jerk] from my law school in DC. Was mad at me for not wanting to hang out with him. Then he slowly befriended a bunch of DC Republicans and I was eventually like, ohhhh, you're just a classist [jerk] with no moral integrity. I grew up with salt of the earth Republicans, can respect a lot of things about them, but these were rich kids born with silver spoons in their mouths (an Onassis comes to mind) who would say the absolute most vile [stuff] I'd ever heard in my life. There were lots of good reasons to end that relationship, but one would be the type of people he chose to associate with.
#49
He took showers with his kid who was 8 years old. 🚩🚩🚩.
#50
He only liked the brown sugar cinnamon, no frosting Pop Tarts.
#51
He didn’t think Will Ferrell was funny.
