Somewhere around the time Michael Bay began developing a Skibidi Toilet movie, it became natural to wonder if Hollywood’s desperate trend-chasing could get any sadder. But while the disposable nature of such products makes it easy to forget their ubiquity, the truth is that Hollywood has been shamelessly trying to profit from flash-in-the-pan trends ever since Train Pulling into a Station II: Training Day. So the next time you roll your eyes at an update on the Toys “R" Us movie, keep in mind that ripped-from-the-headlines filmmaking already reached its odd nadir decades ago.
Today is the 40th anniversary of Gymkata, easily the only movie to feature the ancient art of gymkata. Released in 1985 as an ill-conceived attempt to cash in on the growing popularity of gymnastics, Gymkata stars world champion gymnast Kurt Thomas as Jonathan Cabot, the most Frenchly-named American patriot west of Louisiana. A cross between a Bond movie, Bloodsport, and brain damage, Gymkata is a wild misfire that remains riveting for all the wrong reasons.
Cabot must infiltrate the tiny Central Asian nation of Parmistan, which forces all foreigners to participate in a deadly obstacle competition called the Game. Anyone who survives can ask the Khan to fulfill a wish, and nations are literally racing to secure Parmistanian land for a missile defense site. Just in case you couldn’t tell this was made during the Reagan years, one of Cabot’s first questions is why America can’t simply invade. This is all typical enough for the era that gave us Cobra and Commando, but by the time Thomas uses an impromptu pommel horse to pummel the mentally ill, you’ll begin to question whether gymkata is a legitimate martial art at all.
People casually call all sorts of movies bad, but watching a true turd makes you appreciate the subtle art of mediocrity. One of Cabot’s trainers, the beautiful Parmistanian princess Rubali, refuses to speak to him, then changes her mind without comment. Cabot and Rubali are given special weapons and tools, only for their equipment to never be seen again. And whenever Cabot needs to uncork some gymkata on a wave of hapless mooks, you can bet your track pants there will be some conveniently placed gymnastics equipment nearby.
It’s the ultimate Movie for a Rained-Out Ballgame, and like any destined-for-cable dreck, it’s the unexpected moments of flair that make it captivating. Director Robert Clouse, who went from Enter the Dragon to this, repeatedly teases that the Game — revealed to be a cross between The Running Man and gymnastics class — requires competitors to navigate a village where Parmistan quarantines its insane. After the third or fourth mention, you might think a twist is coming; perhaps it’s secretly a village of dissidents?
No. What we get is the opening of Resident Evil 4, as villagers descend on Cabot with pitchforks and excessive use of slow-motion. At one point, Cabot is ambushed by a man pretending to be a priest helping a man pretending to be a mannequin. Later, in a “fight” scene, a well with inexplicable handles allows Parmistan’s damned to gather around and dutifully wait for Cabot to kick them. As the highlight of Gymkata’s bizarre tonal shifts, it has to be seen to be disbelieved.
Thomas, for his part, pulls off some legitimately impressive stunts, but he also serves as a reminder that actors really do earn their money; no amount of sweet backflips can make up for his vacant expression and dorky run. The rizzless gymnast took an interesting path to Hollywood, as he was the heavy favorite to win gold in Moscow before the 1980 Olympics were boycotted in protest of the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan. At a time when amateurism was strictly enforced, Thomas was left to choose between waiting for Los Angeles 1984 and getting his bag while the getting was good.
He chose the latter, signing lucrative media contracts, hosting exclusive gymnastics camps, and somehow starring in Gymkata, but surrendering his chance to be part of America’s dominant 1984 Olympic team. It makes you both appreciate and rue later rule changes; imagine if, after Michael Phelps was caught on camera with a bong in 2009, he’d had to call it a career and star in a thriller set near a variety of lakes and rivers.
Thomas, who passed away in 2020, left his mark on the world of gymnastics, but Gymkata is his broader legacy. It’s an indelible product of the mid-‘80s, but it’s also a timeless reminder that Hollywood is always looking for the next Kurt Thomas, even if it really shouldn’t be. For all its shoddiness, though, you will be entertained.
No premise will ever be unfilmable if some bean-counter thinks its pop culture cache, however fleeting, will put butts in seats. Gymkata didn’t, but the sheer foolishness of MGM’s decision to greenlight it has given it an ironic second life as something lovable. As legacies go, that’s worthy enough. So sure, bring on the Toys “R” Us and Toilet movies; maybe one day they’ll transcend their money-grubbing nature to become little slices of kitsch joy. In the meantime, how about a Gymkata remake starring Simone Biles?
