Name: Phone zombies.
Age: Undead.
Appearance: Humanoid.
Defining characteristics: Vacant eyes, moving lips, a tendency to be in one’s way.
Where would I find one of these monsters? They walk among us. Mostly in Oxford Street.
London, eh? First an American werewolf, now this. They are also found in Regent Street, Bond Street and King’s Road.
What are they doing in these particular high-density shopping precincts? Fuelling the rise in moped-assisted device theft.
How are they doing that? By being completely oblivious to their surroundings, allowing thieves on mopeds to roll up, snatch their phones and speed off.
Is this a new thing? New-ish. “If you look at mobile phones five years ago, they were pretty much in our pockets unless we got a phone call,” says criminology professor Dr Simon Harding.
I don’t remember anything from five years ago, but I’ll take his word for it. “Nowadays, people are phone zombies,” he continues. “They are on their phone walking along the street, bumping into people, not knowing where they are going.”
And moped thefts are up as a result? Way up. On Oxford Street, there were 291 thefts last year, up from 13 two years ago.
That’s an increase of almost, well, something like, in the neighbourhood of ... It’s 2,130%.
Thank you. Does this sort of crime pay? Thieves get up to £200 for a stolen phone and a moped team – driver and pillion passenger – can snatch dozens a day.
What’s to be done about this? Police are carrying out intensive patrolling and in certain hotspots have installed remote-controlled spikes to put holes in thieves’ tyres. But pursuing a fleeing suspect in built-up areas is not always possible, making moped crime difficult to tackle.
At least it’s only happening to idiots who totally deserve it. That’s a bit harsh. It happens to all sorts of people. Even the former chancellor George Osborne was a victim of an attempted robbery recently.
I stand by my previous statement. Police are appealing for shoppers to be more alert. “Offenders rely on the unwariness of the public to snatch their phones while they make calls,” says Supt Mark Payne.
Do say: “I’ll have to call you back, there’s a moped speeding toward me.”
Don’t say: “Thanks, mate – I was due an upgrade anyway.”
