Article created by: Gabija Palšytė
Updating a resume is one of those tedious parts of finding a new job. Unless you have done it a lot, it can be hard to even quantify your literal life experience into a few bullet points. So it never hurts to seek out some help. Or, if you want to feel better about yourself, take a peek at what not to do.
Someone asked, “Employers, what can someone put on a resume that sends it straight to the shredder?” and netizens shared all the questionable choices they have encountered. So get comfortable as you read through, upvote your favorite examples, and be sure to comment your own thoughts below.
The only resume I have thrown right in the proverbial shredder was that of the wife of a friend of mine. I was attempting to get her a job at my employer. She had no degree or relevant experience, but we needed a receptionist, and people commonly move up from those jobs into other admin positions. Plus, it's government work, so good benefits, lots of paid holidays, etc. Bottom line, I was doing this underqualified, unemployed person a massive favor by giving her a reference and a chance. We didn't have any other applicants. The job was hers to lose. She didn't know that, so she brought her A game. Here are some excerpts from her cover letter:
"I may not have a degree, but I have what engineers don't have, 10 years of experience."
"Engineers aren't very organized people and I can keep them in line."
"I have better social skills than engineers do."
I am not paraphrasing. Those are things she wrote when she sent me her resume and cover letter to look over before she submitted them online to apply. I was just like, "You know I'm an engineer, right?" She did. I continued, "You know the job you'd be applying for is a receptionist position, not an engineer position, right?" She seemed pretty sure she could move up and be an engineer in a year or so. That is not at all a thing in my field (it's one of those fields where everyone is required to be licensed and you have to have a degree in this just to be allowed to take the exam to get the license), but she was absolutely sure it was.
I told her that if she was going to submit this, she wouldn't be hired because the entire panel was engineers. She didn't listen, and submitted it. She even listed me as a reference. I told my boss she was someone I was trying to help and she wouldn't help herself, which was accurate, but "I've got what engineers don't have, 10 years of experience!" became the office joke for years to come. Every time someone reached the 10 year mark of their career, we'd be like, "You can't be an engineer anymore. The crazy lady said 10 years is the limit." lol
Food service experience applying for entry level call centre job put as her daily duties “wept and moped at the end of every shift”. I’m not gonna lie, I hired her and she was fine. I worked food service and was like where’s the lie?
I received a resume last week that had notes on it “insert relevant skills here” and “maybe change font” “fill this space with buzz words” this was on his LinkedIn profile as well. If you can’t pay attention to the resume you send out I can’t trust you’ll pay attention to anything else.
I once got a resume with the worst formatting and grammar. It was clear the person was a non-native English speaker. I don't usually do this, but I recreated her resume, re-organized it and corrected grammar/spelling mistakes and sent it back to her. I hope she got a job. She wasn't a good fit based on her resume, otherwise I would have given her the benefit of the doubt and at least interviewed her.
Military spouse (with rank no less)
Well, guy made it through the resume but almost didn't make it through the onboarding paperwork.
Entry level position, guy was 19 I think. Nice enough kid, low life experience but that's how it all starts right?
Emergency Contact info
Name - Mom
Relationship - Good
...so like if we called your mom, and you were hurt, she'd care?
The amount of halfwits that put Brexit voter on their CVs is just weird. Straight in the bin.
I didn't make it past the name line on someone's resume one time.
We were hiring a CFO and Googling their name revealed an SEC complaint for a 9 figure fraud. At the time, there wasn't a verdict on the books, but I wasn't gonna wait for one. See you never.
This guy put a tinder bio at the head of his resume. All his likes and dislikes, with a headshot of him holding an axe while looking sweaty.
I do IT work...
I used to work for a bar, a girl came in with an application saying she was 22 but then listeded she'd graduated high school that year. I fired off a few questions then slipped in what's your birthday. She was barely 17.
"Life Coach" and all their education is from sketchy seminars at the Radisson by the airport.
That's and hashtag bossbabe, CEO of their make up MLM.
Okay, I was a writing tutor at the college level for 10 years. We also helped graduates of the university. I swear I am not making this up.
A graduate who had worked teaching English in Japan, and at other positions, for a few years after getting his degree, came in for help updating his resume. He reported that he'd been looking for work for a while, with no luck.
The profile section at the head of his resume listed accomplishments, including, "I have climbed Mount Fuji fueled only by Quaaludes and caffeine."
He was crestfallen when I told him that although I was duly impressed by this feat, he really, really needed to remove it.
Edit: because of course.
When I was in high school I worked in a shoe store at the mall. We got a resume once for a sales job that had, under the "Other Interests" section, "Special relationship with the one they call Satan." Yes, really.
I wanted to interview her, just to see what she'd actually say in person. My manager vetoed that, sadly.
His mother handed it to me with him just quietly standing beside her, looking like this wasn’t his idea.
Had a dude turn in his application with black marker lines redacting all of his info. Only things left were his name, a phone number, and a note saying "We can discuss these details during my interview."
He, in fact, did not get an interview.
Had a guy put on his resume that he invented the dollar, owned Microsoft and Google and Ford, was an astronaut, and founded New Zealand.
This was when I managed an Aldi store and he was applying as an associate. But he was clear to say on his resume that our business model could be vastly improved with his expertise.
I *almost* brought him in for an interview just for fun, but I couldn’t really find the time along with the real applicants.
A couple we didn’t shred but definitely did not call and saved for future laughs:
- “Can cook anything related to a potato” (followed by the longest list of potato dishes I have ever seen and this job did not involve food in any form)
- In special memberships section: “Have a blockbuster card”
One resume I got while managing a head shop included how much he could bench and the characters he played in high school theater. He was in his late mid twenties.
Make sure you attach the right file. I once had somebody attach his court summons for a DUI charge. Instant deny.
I once got a resume written in crayon.
Height, weight, marital status, religion
They didn’t list a single job. Their only experience was several years of jiu jitsu.
I had someone once put “mom to child actor” and she listed that she homeschooled on set and managed their schedule and things of that nature
I had someone else who put “babysitting Daniel” she made him eat his vegetables among other things. It was cute.
My absolute favourite was a guy who wrote his attributes landscape in italics on a piece of paper that had a background of a unicorn on a cliff with a sunset. He came and asked for it back when he wasn’t hired.
