Priya Mitron, with Sant Nikhil Das Diwas out of the way, the last of the homemade somapanam quaffed, the CDs of ‘Shanti Raat, Punya Raat’, and ‘Jhanak Ghante, Jhanak Ghante‘ put away, you must be wondering what 2021 has in store for you.
Fear not, Dear Readers. Using my profound yogic powers, and a double dose of secret lehyams, I have time travelled to our ancient future and returned with some genuinely majama tidings.
January starts with a bang. I am delighted to inform you that, after the Republic Day Parade, Borisbhai Johnson (who will be repeatedly referred to as Boris Becker by our leader in his speech) will ceremonially return the Kohinoor to its rightful owner: our queen, HRH Kangananika Ranautvanshi I. Following which he will issue an eviction notice to QE 2 so that Buckingham Palace will be made available within 60 days to its new tenant, HRH KR 1.
After that, in no particular order, here are some of the delights in store for us.
Thalaivar Rajinikanth will finally become CM of Tamil Nadu. And usher in an era of spiritual politics. Meaning, he will walk in slow motion followed by Senthil, Ramesh Khanna & Co, and solve all our material problems with some nifty finger swishing and aanmiga punchlines. We will realise only at the end of the year that it was never him at all but his best friend, master of disguise, Ulaganayagan Kamal Saar, playing Rajini to perfection, as the real Superstar was taking it easy in a cave in the Himalayas (yes, the same one) all along.
Kareena and Saif will have their Baby Number 2, another boy. He will be named Prithviraj (after her great-grandfather) Sai Bebo Kaptaudi so that there is no controversy over his name. Virat and Anushka will have twins, a boy and a girl. One will sign up with Coke and the other with Pepsi.
Nirav Modi and Mehul Choksi will voluntarily return to India. And deposit the combined amount of ₹25,000 crores in India’s most popular fund (you know which one). And move to Sabarmati to spin khadi yarn. The money will be used to build the world’s biggest roller coaster around the Central Vista. It will be called Swachh Bharat Upar Neeche Gol Gol Vahan.
Paramahamsa Nithyananda’s sovereign Hindu nation, Kailasa, will declare war on China and defeat it comprehensively using goats and cows that speak fluent Sanskrit. And sooperconshusnessss. The history of China’s geography will forever be altered by the depth of the physics in the Me in the me.
There will be a sudden Hindi renaissance in Tamil Nadu coinciding with the rise in spirituality. Raghuthaatha Gindi Nagin Maloom Institutes will mushroom all over the state with Hema Malini as dean.
There will be stiff competition between Kareena Kapoor’s Pregnancy Bible (renamed Kareena Beti Ki Maa Banne Wali Gita for the Indian market) and Priyanka Chopra’s memoir Unfinished (not to be confused with Nick Jonas’ memoir Finished) for the Booker. Judge Shahid Kapoor will declare it a tie. Eventually, K Jo’s Big Thoughts Of Little Luv will be declared the winner.
In the megabudget Mahabharata that is being made for our mythology-hungry patriots, Mukesh Khanna will have creative differences with his co-showrunner, Barack Obama, and try to strangle him with his old Shaktimaan suit. Peace will prevail when Akshay Kumar (playing all five Pandavas and Draupadi) intervenes.
In December, Kamala Harris will have her much delayed arangetram at the Schmidt Memorial.
And Nehru will finally be arrested.
Jai Hind.
Krishna Shastri Devulapalli is a satirist. He has written four books and edited an anthology.
