Get all your news in one place.
100’s of premium titles.
One app.
Start reading
Daily Record
Daily Record
National
Sean Murphy

12 of the best Scottish jokes to rival this year's Christmas Crackers

With Christmas fast approaching, Santa Claus and his reindeers will soon be on their way.

It won't be long until many of us are gathering around the dinner table to tuck into our festive feasts.

And more than likely we will be giggling away (or should that be groaning?) at those terrible Christmas Cracker jokes.

Should you want to raise a laugh of two of your own, then this list of hilarious Scottish jokes might help.

Forget the terrible dad jokes and cringey quips, these funny gags will have you laughing all the way this Christmas.

*For those of you who aren't Scottish, it helps to read them with a Scottish accent.

1. What's the difference between Bing Crosby and Walt Disney?

Bing sings and Walt Disney.


2. How can you tell when a Highland Cow is ready to go on holiday?

How can you tell a Highland Cow is ready to go on holiday? (Jeff J Mitchell/Getty)

It's got a wee calf.

3. Did you hear about the jobbie that couldny sing?

It just sat there humming.


4. A Scot walks into a baker and asks: "Is that a doughnut or a meringue?"

The baker responds: "Naw, ye are right it's a doughnut."


5. A drunken Glasgow man is walking home from the pub after realising he's no money left for the bus. On the way there he spots a guy by the side of the road looking at the engine of his car.

"What's up with yer motor?" he asks, to which the man responds: "Piston broke."

"Bit like myself then," the Glaswegian replies.


6. Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq?

Coo eight.

7. How many Spanish guys does it take to change a light bulb?

Just Juan.

8. What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography?

Oor Wullie.

9. A Scot is out Christmas shopping when she spots a cracking set of decorative antlers.

"How much?" She asks pointing to them.

"Two hundred quid," replies the bloke behind the counter.

"That’s awfy dear." she says. To which he responds: "Aye yer right!"


10. After announcing he was getting married, a man tells his pal he will be wearing a kilt to the wedding.
"And what's the tartan?" asks his mate.

"Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress," he replies.

11. A Scotsman was asked why his "skirt" was called a kilt.

To which he responded: "The last person that called it a skirt got kilt."

12. “How’s the flat you’re living in in Manchester, Angus?” asks his mother when he calls home to Aberdeen.

“It’s okay,” he replies, “but the woman next door keeps screaming and crying all night and the guy on the other side keeps banging his fists on the wall.”

“Never you mind,” says his mother, “don’t you let them get to you, just ignore them.”

“Aye, that I do,” he says, “I just keep playing my bagpipes.”

Don't miss the top culture and heritage stories from around Scotland. Sign up to our twice weekly Scotland Now newsletter here.

Sign up to read this article
Read news from 100’s of titles, curated specifically for you.
Already a member? Sign in here
Related Stories
Top stories on inkl right now
One subscription that gives you access to news from hundreds of sites
Already a member? Sign in here
Our Picks
Fourteen days free
Download the app
One app. One membership.
100+ trusted global sources.