The Apprentice is back for a 10th series this week, with 20 shiny-suited candidates keen to show off their business acumen, sales record and willingness to trample kittens if that’s what it takes to win. Here are our awards for the funniest, oddest and most cringe-inducingly awkward moments from the last nine series.
The Pony Club award for Extended Metaphor
No list of cringe-inducing Apprentice moments would be complete without Stuart Baggs the Brand. He’s so much more than a muppet haircut. He’s not a one-trick pony, either. He’s … oh, you have to watch it. It’s just too good.
The Octi-Kleen award for Most Sexist Ad Campaign
In series six’s advertising task, Team Synergy (no, really) created a multipurpose cleaning product called Octi-Kleen, backed up by a cheese-tastic and spectacularly sexist TV ad. Jamie Lester’s pitch to the ad agency was two minutes of unadulterated cringe. They won, but only because the other ad showed powerful cleaning chemicals being used by small children. It’s worrying to think the future of Britain could be in these people’s hands. And luckily not true.
Hopkins award for Quitting While You’re Ahead
Possibly the oddest moment of all was when Katie Hopkins made the final three, then realised she might actually end up working for Alan Sugar and left. Katie has since made a career out of abusing people on the This Morning sofa, but to see where it all began, watch Katie’s “Mr Pino and Mr Grigio” takedown of Adam Hosker after the Treasure Hunt task. No prisoners.
The Sumo award for Ultimate Team-Building
Just when you thought The Apprentice couldn’t get any more bewildering, series nine’s Leah Totton hosted a corporate team-building day. To demonstrate the worst case scenario of business conflict, her teammates dressed up in sumo fat suits and barrelled into one another. It was over a year ago, and I still haven’t unclenched. What’s even scarier: Leah went on to win.
The Sandhurst medal for Non-Military Service
The Olivier award for In-Car Dramatics
Raef and Michael’s bromance in series four was truly special, no more so than when they showcased their acting and musical theatre skills in the back of a people carrier. Raef’s performance as Sebastian in Twelfth Night won’t be troubling the RSC any time soon, but Michael’s performance as Fagin in Oliver! (accompanied by discordant thigh-slapping) was a dead ringer for Harry Enfield’s Stavros.
The Leech award for Ultimate Salesmanship
Series nine’s Jason Leech won the heart of the nation for his gentlemanly charm and quirky nature, but all hell broke loose on the Farm Shop task when he emerged from the kitchen to pounce on unsuspecting customers. Why the Potato Marketing Board haven’t adopted MAKE THE POTATOES HAPPY as their slogan remains a mystery.
The One Take award for Voiceover Excellence
Remember Pantsman? The badly dressed superhero was the deranged creation of estate agent Philip Taylor in 2005 – because only superheroes wear their pants outside of their clothes, unless you’re a befuddled child who hasn’t eaten the right cereal. Or something. Anyway the ad was typically awful, but Phil proved himself king of the one-take voiceover. Because “that’s what I do”. He was fired two weeks later.
The Full Moon award for Howling in the Face of Fleece
Ah, series one. How we miss you. Those pre-recession years when Apprentice candidates didn’t take themselves quite so seriously, and you really could sell pretty much anything to anyone. In episode 10, our teams were tasked with selecting items to sell on a TV shopping channel. The moment when Saira Khan shows James Max one of the items they’ve chosen is one of the funniest Apprentice moments ever – unisex wolf fleece, anyone?
The IKEA award for One-Handed Assembly
Talking of TV shopping, witless uber-muppet Simon Ambrose selling a mini trampoline is already a comedy classic. If his suit-clad star jumps and one-legged bouncing weren’t funny enough, his comprehensive demonstration of how easy it was to assemble would be a worthy scene in Carry On Bouncing. Eventually, the shopping channel producer pulled the plug with a withering “We are dying right now”, prompting a deadpan “Is that bad?” from Tre Azam.
There are so many more we could mention – Melissa Cohen’s neologisms, Tre Azam’s “You are nothing to me”, Lucinda Ledgerwood’s berets – what are your favourite Apprentice moments?
