Be prepared. Pregnancy can be a very vulnerable time and antenatal classes throw up the scary know-it-alls early on – smile politely and avoid. It doesn’t help to hear stories of 36-hour labours, how only natural births result in real bonding and that breastfeeding is the easiest thing in the world, when we all know it’s a skill to be learned.
Identify the captain of industry. Every playgroup has one – either someone who is now primary carer after years in a high-flying career or someone who has waited all her life to be the perfect mother. They’re useful for chairing committees, organising outings and toy-scrubbing nights, making sure everyone does their fair share on the rota and booking a visit from Santa in plenty of time. Smile, be friendly, and tell them they’re doing a great job and move swiftly on.
Don’t compare. Parenting is a competitive sport for many – quite often for the captain of industry noted above – but don’t get drawn in. Sitting, crawling and babbling are just the start, while school is an endless series of possible pitfalls with everything from sport, popularity and exams up for comparison. Self-deprecation is an excellent weapon to bring the boasting to a swift end. With a cheerful “We’ve all got two left feet”, or: “I was always in the bottom half of my class!”, hopefully even the most child-centred parent will realise it’s time to stop shouting about little Johnny’s achievements.
Be pleasant. Don’t get involved in gossip, no matter how tempting. If another parent is decribed as bossy, praise their organisational skills. If nosy, point out how ready they are to help. Running the PTA like a dictator – my goodness, where would the school be without them?
Don’t be walked on. It’s often the same people who get landed with helping with school trips, volunteering at Brownies or helping to coach football. Don’t be mean and leave it to everyone else, but decide for yourself how much time you can offer and what you’re best at and then be firm. “I wish I could but I can’t” is sufficient; a long, rambling defence is just asking to have holes picked in it.
Your home, your rules. This can be hard, especially if visiting children are free range and you prefer to be in charge. It’s complicated by your children watching you hawk-like to make sure you’re being completely fair and by the possibility of offending any particular child’s parent. Avoid trigger points such as having visits continue into mealtimes if the visiting child doesn’t know that their bottom is for sitting on and instead wants to trail spaghetti bolognese across your new couch. Never apologise to other parents about the non-negotiables – be brisk instead and hope that sweeps them along. “It’s so good for children to tidy up together/be allowed three food dislikes/take dirty shoes off at the door.”
Their home, their rules. It works both ways, but from an early age make: “Please, thank you and thank you for having me” part of your children’s repertoire, even if you are that free-range parent. Self-expression is fine, but bringing up little princes and princesses who rule the roost just makes life miserable for them in real life until they learn manners for themselves.
Different discipline. This becomes even more important with teenagers, especially if their friends have parents who believe in drinking/smoking weed with their kids and handing them packets of condoms every time they leave the house, and you definitely don’t. Have the – tactful – conversation with the parents if you think they’re a big influence, rather than merely an embarrassment, but better to discuss the situation with your own teenagers and explain why you think the way you do.
Selective socialising. School fundraiser, sports day or coffee morning – sometimes you have to turn up for your kids. Be wonderfully sociable, chat to lots of parents, enthuse about the event and slide off after an hour. When it’s your turn, do it once a year, dilute with kids and make everyone welcome rather than suffer one-to-one encounters.
Admit you might be wrong. We can all be a bit precious when it comes to parenting, but having good friends in similar circumstances certainly makes it easier, so don’t dismiss every other parent out of hand. You can’t be the only delight out there.
