Our so-called colleagues at Glasgow Live once wrote a very rude article called "nine reasons why people from Glasgow should never move to Edinburgh."
In it, they poked fun at such sacred topics as our music scene, suggesting that the only band to ever come out of Edinburgh were the Bay City Rollers. Er, hello, have you never heard of Young Fathers?
They also called our tweed-and-welly themed clothing choices into question. Well, so what? At least we don't go everywhere in Adidas tracksuits.
And if that wasn't bad enough, they mocked our most sacred regional delicacy: soggy chips covered in vinegary brown sauce. The cheek.
We're not about to let that kind of insult lie, so we decided to fire back with our very own version. This is why you should never move to Glasgow:
1. Our older people do wear tweed, but they rarely stab you in the bum
This is the kind of thing you have to put up with from the old folk in Scotland's second city. So inappropriate.
2. We have J.K. Rowling. Glasgow has...its imagination
Harry Potter tourism can get a bit annoying, but it helps that we can feel a bit smug whenever people talk about the world's most popular book series. Aye mate, it was written right here in Edinburgh. What do Glasgow counter with? A fake sign about Enid Blyton.
3. We don't have underground tunnels full of drunk people
We have clean, quiet trams instead of a subway; they're brightly lit and above ground. And nobody uses them for pub crawls because they only go in a straight line and aren't actually much use.
4. We have not one, but two awesome outdoor fire festivals every year
Beltane and Samhuin are amazing spectacles that you'd definitely miss if you moved away. If you go up a hill and set fire to things in Glasgow, people just get cross instead of clapping and taking photos.
5. This has literally never happened in Edinburgh
We would never do such a thing...mainly because whenever it's Halloween we turn our lights off, draw the curtains and pretend we aren't in so we don't have to talk to strangers.
6. And neither has this:
Instead of lobbing our potatoes at people, we bake them and sell them to tourists for £15 each.
7. Our lampposts don't have people on them
Sadly for drunk Glaswegian teens, pole-dangling hasn't really taken on as an Olympic sport in any other Scottish city. Apart from Dundee.
8. Glasgow doesn't have huge firework displays every five minutes
Whenever one finishes, another one starts. It's like Disney World, but with much higher council tax.
9. Glasgow doesn't have a mountain in the middle of town, either
As if you wouldn't miss this view.
10. And, most importantly, they don't have chippy sauce
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The philistines. How would you live if you couldn't soak your chips in mysterious brown vinegary stuff?
Stay in Edinburgh instead, enjoy our beautiful parks, watch the expensive firework displays, and walk the streets safely and secure in the knowledge that you're not about to get knocked out by a stray Maris Piper.
Your move, Glasgow.
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