Nearly 25% of university students are now choosing to live at home while studying, and parents are adapting to a whole new way of life, where they are no longer in charge. How do you live peacefully with your children now that they are adults – and, even worse, students?
1. Don’t just fall into this. It is not about moving from school to college or university, or teenager to adult, but a whole new family life where everyone has different expectations. Explain what’s important to you, and find out what is important to them, so you are clear from the start, but keep rules to a minimum.
2. Forget mindreading. Perhaps you have always made sure they do their share of the chores, but if they haven’t, or you want them to do more, you need to tell them. As I discovered when I broke my knee – I didn’t do this on purpose; the dog broke me – it’s best to show them what needs to be done. My accident meant my children had to learn the hard and fast way how to organise food, cleaning, laundry and so on, but that is possibly too radical for most. Instead, make a list of everything they would have to do if sharing with other adults, and ask how they feel this should be divided fairly with everyone in the house.
3. Don’t kid yourself this will be an equal division. However, if you can get them to volunteer what they see as fair for them to do – change their beds, vacuum their rooms, put all their washing in the laundry basket, empty the dishwasher, feed the cat, walk the dog, make one meal a week for everyone, always clear up after themselves when making snacks – then you have every right as the calm and reasonable adult you are to highlight in a non-nagging way if chores are slipping.
4. Respect works both ways. If they fail to get up, miss a lecture or forget an essay deadline, it is up to them to deal with any fallout. Remain cheerfully oblivious to any minor catastrophes as they navigate their new lives. If you are in the habit of cooking a family meal every night, a text from anyone either not requiring food or preferring a plate saved for later is only polite. If they are cooking for you, the same etiquette applies.
5. Money matters. Discuss their budget and whether you expect them to cover all their personal costs, such as phone, clothes, toiletries and travel and also make a contribution to household costs. Even if you can afford to subsidise them, it is not in their best interests to have no idea how to budget, with you picking up the bills. Send them food shopping so they know what everything costs and give them a swift rundown on energy, insurance and fuel charges. Lend them money occasionally, but always expect it to be paid back. Though it is always nice to surprise them with the odd £20 – there is no one as grateful as an impoverished student.
6. Keep in touch. This is an unbreakable rule, especially if they are not coming home. They must text, and you must take it in your stride, without snide comments such as, “What’s so great about staying out all night at a noisy party when you have got a cosy bed here?” Stop. You are just proving that you were never young and fun, ever.
7. Work round your different hours and habits. They come in at 5am, you are getting up at 7am, a potentially bad combination. So they should tiptoe in like stealthy mice and you should be equally quiet exiting the premises. If they don’t clean as well as you would like, lower your expectations a little, show them how you like things done and never fall for the, “I don’t do this as well as you” approach and pick up the iron or vacuum cleaner and do it for them. It is not a compliment.
8. Treat them all the same. Boy, girl, 20-year-old or 18-year-old, responsible or really scatty … once they are 18 and allegedly independent, everyone deserves the same courtesies, responsibilities and expectations.
9. Be there. They still need you. Be kind if they are worried about study, ready to listen if their hearts get broken, and willing in an emergency to pick them up at 3am when they run out of money, friends and energy.
10. Enjoy them. It’s a cliche, but they will be gone before you know it. In the meantime, they will keep you young and entertained, and after the nth party in a freezing, grotty student flat, they might even appreciate you.
