“I do it because I love you” should be one of the most reassuring phrases in a relationship. It should signify actions rooted in care, respect, and a genuine desire for a partner’s happiness. However, in some relationships, these words are used not as an expression of love, but as a justification for harmful behavior. They can become a shield for manipulation, jealousy, and a pattern of coercive control. It’s crucial to look past the words and examine the actions they are meant to excuse. Here are ten instances where a declaration of love may be covering something far more sinister.
1. When They Isolate You From Friends and Family
They might say, “I just want to spend all my time with you,” or “Your friends are a bad influence.” This can seem romantic at first, but it is a classic tactic of abusers to cut off your support system. By weakening your connections to others, they make you more dependent on them for social interaction and emotional support. This isolation is a cornerstone of coercive control, making it harder for you to recognize the abuse or to leave the relationship.
2. When They Control Your Finances
This might be framed as “helping you” manage your money or “taking care of the bills so you don’t have to worry.” But soon, you find yourself with no access to bank accounts, being given an “allowance,” or having to justify every single purchase. Financial abuse is a powerful method of trapping someone in a relationship. When love is used as the excuse, it’s a clear sign of a desire for power, not partnership.
3. When They Constantly Criticize You “For Your Own Good”
The criticism is relentless, targeting your appearance, your intellect, your job, or your hobbies. It’s always framed as constructive feedback, with phrases like, “I’m only telling you this because I love you and want you to be your best self.” This is not love; it’s a systematic attempt to chip away at your self-esteem. The goal is to make you feel unworthy and grateful for their presence, a deeply damaging form of emotional abuse.
4. When They Track Your Whereabouts Obsessively
They demand to know where you are at all times, requiring constant texts, calls, or even using tracking apps on your phone. They’ll justify it by saying, “I just worry about you and want to make sure you’re safe.” This is not about safety; it’s about surveillance and a profound lack of trust. This behavior is a severe violation of your privacy and a clear demonstration of coercive control disguised as concern.
5. When They Guilt-Trip You Into Making Decisions
Whenever you want to do something independently, they use emotional blackmail. They might say, “Don’t go out with your friends, I’ll be so lonely,” or, “If you loved me, you wouldn’t take that job in another city.” Their “love” becomes a cage, preventing you from pursuing your own goals and happiness. They make their emotional state your responsibility, a manipulative tactic to keep you in line with their wishes.
6. When They Dictate What You Wear or How You Look
Comments about your clothing or appearance start as “suggestions.” They might say, “I love you so much, but that dress is a little too revealing,” or “You’d look so much better with longer hair.” Soon, these suggestions become demands, and you find yourself dressing to avoid a fight or to please them. Controlling your appearance is a way of controlling your identity and self-expression, a clear violation of personal autonomy.
7. When They Dismiss Your Feelings and Ambitions
When you share a dream or a vulnerability, they shut it down, claiming it’s for your own protection. “I love you too much to see you get hurt if you fail,” they might say about your ambition to start a business. Or if you express sadness, they tell you you’re being “dramatic.” By invalidating your emotions and dreams, they keep you small and manageable, ensuring you never outgrow them or the relationship.
8. When They Use “Protecting You” as an Excuse for Jealousy
Their jealousy is extreme and possessive, but it’s always explained as a byproduct of their deep love. They get angry if you talk to someone of the opposite sex, claiming they are just “protecting” you or “protecting the relationship.” This possessiveness is not a sign of love’s intensity; it’s a sign of deep-seated insecurity and a desire to own you. True love is built on trust, not suspicion. The constant monitoring is a form of coercive control.
9. When They Pressure You Into Intimacy
They use loving words to guilt you into physical intimacy when you’re not in the mood. Phrases like, “Don’t you love me?” or “This is how we show our love for each other,” are used to override your consent. Any pressure or coercion in a physical relationship is unacceptable. Using love as a bargaining chip for intimacy is a serious violation and a form of emotional and sexual abuse.
10. When They Make Their Affection Conditional
Their love and affection are used as a reward for “good” behavior and withdrawn as a punishment for “bad” behavior. If you do something they disapprove of, they give you the silent treatment or become cold and distant. You find yourself constantly trying to earn back their affection, creating a dynamic of profound instability. This tactic is a powerful form of coercive control that keeps you in a constant state of anxiety.
Recognizing Love That Liberates, Not Limits
True love is about support, trust, and mutual respect. It should make you feel bigger, not smaller; safer, not more anxious. It’s crucial to be vigilant and recognize when the language of love is being used to justify actions of control and manipulation. A healthy relationship empowers you to be your fullest self, and it never asks you to sacrifice your autonomy, self-esteem, or safety in its name.
Have you ever had to set boundaries when a loving gesture felt more like control?
Read more:
7 Times People-Pleasing Backfired—And What It Taught Them About Boundaries
Body Count, Boundaries, and the New Rules of Dating
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