There’s a magical phase in childhood when kids believe everything deserves a name—whether it’s alive, inanimate, or completely absurd. From a banana peel to the toilet brush, children assign personalities and titles with wild enthusiasm and zero filter. While it’s cute (and occasionally concerning), some of these name choices leave parents doing double-takes or stifling laughter in public. The creativity is boundless, and the logic? Questionable at best. So, in the spirit of celebrating our little ones’ imaginative genius, here are 10 things my child has named that probably shouldn’t have names at all.
1. The Dust Bunny Under the Couch is “Kevin”
Apparently, Kevin has been living a long, dusty life behind the sofa. My child insists he’s “shy but nice” and occasionally offers him bits of cracker. Despite attempts to vacuum him up, Kevin is now a permanent housemate—at least in my child’s mind. Naming household debris is a new level of commitment to the imagination. Of all the things my child has named, Kevin may be the one who haunts me the most.
2. The Leftover Meatball is “Franklin”
Franklin was born during a spaghetti dinner and tragically left uneaten on the plate. My child sobbed when I tried to scrape him into the trash, insisting Franklin was “just getting to know us.” Eventually, I had to sneak him out under the cover of nightfall. It’s unclear why the meatball got a name but not his broccoli sidekick. This might be why dinner takes 90 minutes every night.
3. My Stretch Marks are “Zigzag and Lightning”
Ah yes, the battle scars of motherhood now have official names—and they sound like a superhero duo. My child traced them one day while I was changing and announced their identities with pride. “Zigzag is funny and Lightning is fast,” they declared. I didn’t have the heart to correct them because, honestly, it made me like my stretch marks a little more. Some of the most personal things my child has named are also the most unexpected.
4. The Toilet Plunger is “Sir Plops-a-Lot”
Every bathroom now includes a formal introduction to this noble gentleman. My child bows when greeting him and has requested that he wear a cape made from tissue paper. If I ever thought I’d keep a plunger anonymous, that ship has sailed. Just try explaining to a guest why your child asks them to say hello to Sir Plops-a-Lot. Spoiler alert: you can’t.
5. The Hole in My Sock is “Marty”
I was planning to throw the sock out, but now that it has a name, it feels cruel. Marty “helps my toe see the world,” according to my child. It’s both hilarious and mildly horrifying. I now have a collection of Marty’s “friends,” otherwise known as laundry I’m too sentimental to ditch. Welcome to parenting logic, population: us.
6. The Burnt Toast is “Charlie the Crispy”
Breakfast became a dramatic scene when I accidentally over-toasted a slice of bread. Rather than tossing it, my child gave it a name and tried to feed it to their toys. Charlie now “lives in the pretend toaster” and comes out only for special occasions. Never mind that he crumbles into oblivion every time. The number of things my child has named now includes food with its own calendar.
7. My Old Deodorant Stick is “The Smelly King”
This empty tube became a character in an elaborate bathroom play about royalty and armpits. The Smelly King rules over Lotionland and refuses to retire. I tried to throw him away, and my child cried like we’d lost a pet. So yes, we now display an old deodorant cap on the edge of the bathtub as if it’s royalty.
8. The Lump in the Couch is “Benny the Bump”
That weird lump in the middle cushion? Benny. According to my child, Benny is responsible for all missing LEGO pieces and the occasional snack disappearance. They even once told a babysitter, “Don’t sit on Benny, he doesn’t like it.” I’ve given up explaining. At this point, Benny deserves his own Christmas stocking.
9. My Belly Button is “Bob”
Out of nowhere, my child began referring to my navel as Bob and talking to it like a co-host. “How’s Bob today?” they ask, leaning in closely as if Bob might answer back. I’ve been asked not to cover him while they chat. I guess Bob is part of the family now, whether I like it or not.
10. The Car Tire is “Susan”
Just the front left tire. Not the car. Not the other three tires. Just that one. Susan is apparently a hard worker and very brave, especially during long road trips. The rest of the car is referred to simply as “Susan’s house.” And to think I once named my car “Betty”—clearly, my child has other ideas.
Imagination Runs Wild—and We’re Here for It
If you’re wondering how many of these things my child has named that are still around, the answer is most of them. Kids have a knack for turning the mundane into magical worlds, even if those worlds involve talking toast and sock holes with personalities. It’s one of the weirdest and most wonderful parts of parenting—witnessing how a child’s mind brings inanimate objects to life with a name and a story. Even when it’s mildly inconvenient (looking at you, Franklin the meatball), it’s a glimpse into the incredible creativity our kids carry.
Has your child ever named something completely unexpected? Share your favorite ridiculous or sweet naming moment in the comments!
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