In social interactions, most people operate with good intentions. Men, in particular, are often socialized to be chivalrous or complimentary, believing their words are gestures of kindness or respect. However, impact matters more than intent. Many common phrases, meant to be polite, can land as condescending, dismissive, or subtly controlling. These are the things men say to be polite that can cause a woman to inwardly cringe or bristle. Understanding why these “compliments” misfire is key to moving from performative politeness to genuine, respectful communication.
“You Should Smile More.”
This is perhaps the most universally disliked comment. The intention may be to cheer someone up, but it functions as a command. It tells a woman that her neutral or thoughtful expression is not acceptable and that she is expected to perform pleasantness for public consumption. It’s a demand to alter her appearance to be more pleasing to the observer.
“Calm Down” or “Relax.”
When a woman is expressing a valid concern, frustration, or passion, being told to “calm down” is incredibly dismissive. It implies her emotional response is an overreaction and invalidates the legitimacy of her feelings. It’s often used to shut down a conversation that is making the man uncomfortable, rather than to actually help the woman feel calm.
Explaining Something She Already Knows (Mansplaining)
A man might explain a concept to a woman, believing he is being helpful and informative. But when it’s a topic within her area of expertise or something she clearly understands, it becomes “mansplaining.” This behavior assumes she is less knowledgeable, and it comes across as deeply patronizing, regardless of the helpful intention.
“You’re Not Like Other Girls.”
Intended as a high compliment, this phrase is a backhanded insult to the entire female gender. It suggests that “other girls” are inherently flawed (dramatic, shallow, etc.) and that she is the rare exception. Most women don’t want to be praised for not being like their peers; they want to be appreciated for who they are, without putting other women down.
“Let Me Get That for You.” (When It’s Unnecessary)
Holding a door is one thing, but insistently trying to lift a not-heavy bag or perform a simple task for a woman can feel less like chivalry and more like a suggestion of her incompetence. It assumes she is weak or incapable. A better approach is to ask, “Would you like some help with that?” rather than assuming she needs it.
Commenting on How Much (or Little) She’s Eating
“Wow, you can really put it away!” or “Is that all you’re having?” are comments that draw unnecessary attention to a woman’s food intake. These observations, no matter how casually delivered, tap into a deep well of societal pressure on women regarding their bodies and appetites. A person’s plate should be a judgment-free zone.
“You’re So Articulate.”
While it sounds like a compliment, this is often delivered with an air of surprise, especially to women of color. It can carry an undercurrent of, “You speak more eloquently than I expected someone like you to.” It reveals a low bar of expectation and can feel like a microaggression rather than a genuine compliment on one’s communication skills.
Calling a Grown Woman “Young Lady” or “Sweetheart”
Unless you are her grandfather or it’s part of a regional dialect she’s also comfortable with, using pet names like “sweetheart,” “honey,” or “young lady” in a professional or casual setting can be belittling. These terms create an unequal power dynamic and can make a woman feel infantilized rather than respected as an equal adult.
“Are You on Your Period?”
This question is almost always used to dismiss a woman’s anger, frustration, or sadness. It attempts to attribute her emotions to hormones rather than to the legitimate situation at hand. It’s a deeply personal and disrespectful way to invalidate her feelings and shut down any real discussion.
“You’re Too Pretty to Be Sad/Angry.”
This comment reduces a woman’s value to her appearance. It suggests her primary purpose is to be aesthetically pleasing, and that displaying negative emotions detracts from that purpose. It denies her the right to the full spectrum of human emotion and ties her worth to being pretty and pleasant.
Moving from Politeness to Genuine Respect
The common thread among these phrases is that they often assume, judge, or dismiss. True respect involves listening more than directing, validating feelings rather than questioning them, and treating women as capable equals. Shifting away from these empty things men say to be polite and toward more mindful, empathetic language is what builds authentic connection and trust.
What’s one “polite” comment you’ve received that actually felt condescending?
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The post 10 Things Men Say to Be Polite That Women Quietly Resent appeared first on Budget and the Bees.
