Almost every parent of more than one child dreams of their kids growing up to be best friends. They envision a future of supportive phone calls, shared holidays, and a built-in, lifelong support system. The reality, however, is often much more complicated. Sibling rivalry is a natural part of family life, but in some families, the competition is more intense, more painful, and more enduring. While parents rarely intend to stoke the flames of conflict, they often engage in subtle, everyday behaviors that do just that. These seemingly harmless habits can create a competitive environment where children feel they must fight for their parents’ love, attention, and approval. Many of the ways parents create sibling rivalries are completely unintentional.
Here are ten of those subtle behaviors that can foster conflict between your children.
1. Making Constant Comparisons
This is the most common and most damaging habit. A parent might think they are motivating a child by saying, “Why can’t you be more organized like your sister?” or “Your brother always finishes his homework without being asked.” But the child does not hear a call to action; they hear a declaration of their own inadequacy. This practice teaches children to measure their self-worth against their sibling. It creates a dynamic where one child’s success feels like the other child’s failure, which is the very definition of a rivalry.
2. Labeling Your Children
In an effort to understand our children, we often assign them labels. One child is “the smart one,” the other is “the athletic one.” One is “the easy one,” the other is “the difficult one.” While these labels may seem like simple descriptions, they can become self-fulfilling prophecies that put children into rigid boxes. A child labeled “the artistic one” might be hesitant to try out for a sport, and “the responsible one” may feel immense pressure to never make a mistake. This can create resentment, as children feel they are not seen for their whole, complex selves.
3. Not Respecting Their Individual Needs
Treating children “fairly” does not mean treating them exactly the same. Each child has a unique temperament, unique interests, and unique emotional needs. A parent who insists on perfect equality—”Your sister got a new pair of shoes, so you get a new pair, too,” even if the second child doesn’t need them—is missing the point. This can create a culture of scorekeeping, where children are constantly monitoring what the other is getting. A better approach is to meet each child’s individual needs, explaining that fairness is about everyone getting what they need, not everyone getting the same thing.
4. Making One Child the Peacemaker
When siblings fight, it’s common for a parent to rely on the older or more compliant child to be the “bigger person.” They might say, “Just let your little brother have the toy; you know how he gets.” This consistently forces one child to sacrifice their own needs and feelings for the sake of keeping the peace. It can create deep resentment in the peacemaker child and can teach the other child that they can get what they want by throwing a tantrum. It’s a dynamic that fails to teach both children healthy conflict resolution skills.
5. Intervening in Every Single Squabble
The opposite approach can also be damaging. A parent who cannot tolerate any conflict and jumps in to solve every single minor disagreement is robbing their children of a crucial life skill. Kids need to learn how to negotiate, compromise, and stand up for themselves. By always playing the role of the judge and jury, you prevent them from developing these skills. This can lead to a situation where they are constantly running to you to tattle on each other, rather than trying to work things out for themselves.
6. Talking About One Child to the Other
A parent might complain to one child about the other’s behavior, perhaps as a way of venting or seeking an ally. Saying something like, “Your sister is driving me crazy with her messy room,” to the other sibling is a form of triangulation. It puts the child in an inappropriate position of being their parent’s confidant and aligns them against their own sibling. This can create a sense of secret superiority in one child and erode the trust between the siblings.
7. Not Allowing for Individual Time with Each Parent
In the chaos of family life, it’s easy for most interactions to happen as a group. However, children crave and need individual, one-on-one time with each parent. Without this dedicated time, they can feel like they have to compete for a parent’s attention during the busy moments of the day. Carving out even 15 minutes of special, uninterrupted time with each child separately can fill their emotional cup. It assures them that they are loved and valued for who they are, not just as part of a sibling unit.
8. Praising One Child in Front of the Other Excessively
Of course, you should praise your children for their accomplishments. But the context matters. If you consistently praise one child’s good grades in front of a sibling who struggles in school, it can feel less like praise and more like a pointed comparison. Whenever possible, give praise privately and specifically. This allows the child to savor their accomplishment without it being perceived as a slight to their brother or sister.
9. Forcing Them to Share Everything
While sharing is an important value to teach, forcing children to share everything can backfire. It’s important for a child to have a sense of ownership and control over a few special, prized possessions. A parent who forces a child to always give up their favorite toy to a demanding sibling is teaching them that their own feelings don’t matter. A healthier approach is to have a mix of “family toys” that are for sharing and “personal toys” that are each child’s own.
10. Not Modeling a Healthy Sibling Relationship Yourself
Your children are watching you. How you interact with your own siblings provides a powerful model for their behavior. Do you speak to your siblings with respect and kindness, even when you disagree? Do you show up for them in times of need? Or do you complain about them, compete with them, or hold long-standing grudges? The relationship you model with your own siblings is often the one your children will unconsciously replicate with each other.
Fostering Friendship, Not Fights
The goal is not to eliminate all conflict between siblings; that’s an impossible and even undesirable task. A healthy amount of friction is how children learn to navigate relationships. The parent’s role is to create a home environment where each child feels seen, valued, and loved for their unique self. By becoming more aware of the subtle ways parents create sibling rivalries, you can shift your approach. You can begin to consciously foster a culture of mutual respect and support that can be the foundation of a lifelong friendship between your children.
What’s your #1 rule for handling disagreements between your children fairly?
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