It had about as much drama and suspense as reading a dictionary or watching election results come in from North Korea.
To the surprise of no one, Donald Trump won the inaugural Fifa peace prize on Friday at a cheesy, gaudy and gauche World Cup draw expertly designed to flatter the world’s most precious ego.
“This is your prize – this is your peace prize!” gushed Gianni Infantino, the bald-headed Fifa president, after Trump took the stage at the John F Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts in snowy Washington.
There on a plinth, with “Donald J Trump” emblazoned on it in capital letters, was the uncoveted trophy: a golden globe resting on five golden hands big enough to compensate any tiny-handed recipient feeling sore about the Nobel peace prize.
But wait, there was more. “There is also a beautiful medal for you that you can wear everywhere you want to go,” added Infantino, knowing that with Trump there is no such thing as too much.
Glowing oranger than usual under the stage lights, Trump eagerly put the medal around his neck without waiting for Infantino to do the honours. He told the audience of 2,000 people: “This is truly one of the great honours of my life.”
It was a Norwegian football commentator who once memorably celebrated victory over England by shouting: “Maggie Thatcher … your boys took a hell of a beating!” Now Fifa had delivered its own “Norwegian Nobel committee … your boys took a hell of a beating!” rebuke to the body that snubbed its favourite president.
Foreign leaders such as Keir Starmer and Benjamin Netanyahu have learned over the past year that flattering Trump is like feeding gold candy to a baby. The more blatant and obvious, the better it works. Now, thanks to Infantino, Trump was centre-stage at world sport’s greatest spectacle.
History sure does rhyme. Benito Mussolini used the 1934 World Cup in Italy to promote a resurgent Roman empire. Before every match, the Italian team performed the “Roman salute”. Il Duce even created a special trophy, the “Coppa del Duce”, which was six times bigger than the official Jules Rimet World Cup trophy.
The last time the US hosted the World Cup, in 1994, the draw was held in Las Vegas and President Bill Clinton did not attend. But Infantino, who regards America’s as football’s undiscovered country of profit, has pursued Trump as ardently as Count Dracula crossing oceans of time to find his lost love.
The Fifa supremo was spotted at Trump’s second inauguration earlier this year and is a regular guest in the Oval Office and at his Mar-a-Lago estate in Florida. He made no objection when Trump elbowed his way into Chelsea’s Club World Cup celebration. Fifa has even opened a new office in Trump Tower in New York.
The World Cup final draw was therefore held without irony at the Kennedy Center, where Senate Democrats have launched an investigation into alleged cronyism and corruption under the leadership of a Trump appointee, just round the corner from the Watergate building, where a burglary and cover-up brought down Richard Nixon.
All very Fifa.
The extravaganza began with the Italian tenor Andrea Bocelli belting out the aria Nessun Dorma, which translates as “None shall sleep” – a subtle dig at the president who has recently been seen dozing at meetings?
The hosts were the model and presenter Heidi Klum, wearing a shimming gold dress, and comedian Kevin Hart, wearing a black sweater with a sparkling necklace. There was the customary montage of football clips, including Diego Maradona’s second for Argentina against England in 1986 – perhaps Trump, often accused of cheating at golf, would have preferred Maradona’s shameless “Hand of God” first.
Trump, who coined the phrase “truthful hyperbole” in his book The Art of the Deal, would surely have admired the way Infantino declared: “This will not just be the greatest football event, this will be the greatest event in human history, the greatest event that humanity will ever witness … This is like 104 Super Bowls in one month.”
The Lex Luthor of world football got Americans in the audience to chant “USA! USA! USA!” then Canadians to chant “Canada, Canada, Canada!” and Mexicans to chant “Mexico, Mexico, Mexico!” Then, after a noisy display by Nicole Scherzinger and Robbie Williams, it was time for Trump’s moment of glory.
As a glossy video played, a voiceover tried to convince everyone this prize had not just been made up entirely for Trump’s benefit. “Peace creates hope and football translates that hope into unity,” it said.
“We honour a dynamic leader who has engaged in diplomatic efforts that create opportunities for dialogue, de-escalation and stability and who has championed the unifying power of football on the world stage.”
It was more wordy justification than the Dodo offered in Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland: “All must have prizes.”
The narration ran though the dodgy list of eight conflicts that Trump claims to have settled during his 10 months in office. It did not mention his fawning over Russia’s Vladimir Putin or extrajudicial killing of dozens of unnamed, untried people on small boats in the Caribbean. Any chance of VAR on this decision?
The audience was treated to slow-motion video of Trump at the Gaza peace summit, Trump meeting the Indian prime minister, Narendra Modi, Trump signing the Abraham accords, Trump with the leaders of the Democratic Republic of the Congo and Rwanda – and of Infantino giving him a thumbs-up like a proud football dad.
Then came the presentation and, shortly afterwards, Trump standing on stage alongside the Canadian prime minister, Mark Carney, and Mexican president, Claudia Sheinbaum, behind plastic stands as if taking part in a gameshow. The US president tried to go all Ted Lasso, reminiscing about watching Pelé play for the New York Cosmos and admitting that soccer should be called “football”.
Once the convoluted draw – did Trump’s eyes stay open? – was done, the show ended like a Trump rally with the Village People belting out Y.M.C.A. The president had got his prize and Infantino had got his man. Next stop the Oscars?
