Toady, or not toady? That is the question. When even Piers Morgan has taken his head out of Donald Trump’s bum far enough to see a glimmer of daylight, then it’s fair to say the US president has probably overstepped the mark.
Not content with threatening tariffs against the UK and seven EU countries for sending troops to Greenland – having previously demanded Nato allies get stuck in to protect the country from Russia and China – The Donald has now sent a letter to the Norwegian prime minister to complain about not winning the Nobel peace prize and to say he was so pissed off he was thinking of starting a war instead.
If this is the new alignment of the rules-based order then the west is falling apart in front of our eyes. Presidents Putin and Xi must be living their best lives. This is everything they dreamed of and more.
All their sins can be forgiven and they now have licence to do as they please in Ukraine and Taiwan. And all because the Orange King Baby in the White House is having a temper tantrum at not getting his own way. His doctors urgently need to do a review of his meds. A little less aspirin and industrial quantities of antipsychotics would be doing us all a favour.
Meanwhile, Keir Starmer just can’t catch a break. Two weeks ago, he had been planning to make a big new year speech on the cost of living crisis. That got scrapped when Trump kidnapped Nicoás Maduro. Second time unlucky.
This same domestic relaunch speech just got hijacked again at the weekend by the US president. By the time the prime minister gets round to telling us what he’s planning to do about the domestic situation, the cost of living will have gone up again.
So Monday morning found Starmer giving an emergency press conference in Downing Street. This was Keir at his most grave. And, to be fair, he is better at being serious than he is charismatic and engaging. This was Keir from his barrister past. Explaining to a client why he had lost his appeal against the death sentence. Next stop a spell as an undertaker. “I am so sorry for your loss.”
Greenland’s sovereignty could only be determined by Greenland and Denmark, he said. Our values are resolute. Here was a line in the sand. Something on which we could all agree. Though he didn’t have any helpful insights into what he might do if the US took matters into their own hands and seized the island by force.
Instead Starmer tried to take the heat out of the situation. Now was not the time for overreaction. An implicit rebuke both to Emmanuel Macron for threatening retaliatory tariffs and to Ed Davey and Zack Polanski for making trouble.
What was needed was a cool head. Calm diplomacy. No need to make a drama out of a crisis. Just sit down with The Donald and talk things through. Man to man. Once Trump had had things explained to him, he would have a rethink. Realise he had acted a bit hastily. A gentle reminder that starting a trade war with your allies was a wee bit over the top. This wasn’t the way the special relationship was supposed to work.
All of which was fine as far as it went. Only it was all predicated on a category error. Because it all presupposed that The Donald was a sentient being. Someone who could respond sensibly to reason. A proper grownup. Except it has long been clear that this isn’t the reality we are dealing with. And to be fair, Trump has never pretended to be anything other than what he is.
The Donald is a bully who enjoys using his power on those weaker than him. He doesn’t care about Nato and other global alliances. Everything is about his machismo. And he doesn’t need a reason for taking Greenland other than he quite fancies it. Because he can. He likes the attention. Likes to see Starmer and other leaders desperately scrabbling around to coordinate a response. He enjoys other people’s weakness and wants to go down in history as the president who extended the territory of the US.
If Keir had hoped to offer some reassurance, he failed badly. The journalists at the press conference understandably wanted to know if there was a plan B. OK, so the prime minister hoped to change the president’s mind. Yup. We could all agree that would be a good thing. But we all knew that wasn’t very likely. The Donald tends to do exactly what he feels like. Keir tried to tell us that he didn’t think the president was planning to take Greenland by force. Except that’s exactly what he has said he will do if the Danes continue to say it isn’t for sale.
“Retaliatory tariffs are a bad idea,” said Starmer. He isn’t wrong. A trade war would undoubtedly harm the UK economy. And falling out with your most important ally who helps maintain your nuclear deterrent can generally be filed under “bad idea”. But where do you draw the line when The Donald goes ahead and does all the things he says he is going to do? Imposes tariffs; annexes Greenland; trashes Nato.
In KeirWorld where no boat should ever be rocked, The Donald operates in a world without consequences. Where every humiliation is only greeted with an invitation to inflict further humiliation. Were Trump to take a fancy to Scotland – hell, he owns a couple of golf courses so why not the whole country: first he takes Turnberry then he takes Holyrood – what would Starmer do then? Apart from saying how disappointed he was and that we needed to maintain good relations with the US at all costs.
Maybe Keir will prove us all wrong. He will secure a meeting with the president in Davos and The Donald will see the light. But you wouldn’t put money on it. Starmer has acquired the reputation of being the world’s best Trump wrangler but right now it’s hard to see we have got that much in return.
It could just be that Keir used his best bargaining chip long ago when he offered the president a state visit on the first date. That’s the only thing The Donald has ever really wanted from us. We gave it away too cheaply.
