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The Guardian - UK
The Guardian - UK
Entertainment
Ros Asquith

Letters From An Alien Schoolboy by Ros Asquith - in pictures

Alien Schoolboy: Nigel plus Pluke
I have to be a schoolboy called 'Nigel Hoover Coldplay Hercules Colander' and pretend to have a brain that can't price up the kids' menu at a fly-in flaaark branch, let alone begin to think about why time bends. Here's me with my sister Farteeta and my pet, Pluke. Photograph: Ros Asquith
Alien Schoolboy: Alien
Here's what I normally look like. Maybe next Halloween I'll come round to your place for sweeties... Photograph: Ros Asquith
Alien Schoolboy: Clothes
But on this freezing grumpy spaceblob called Earth, I have to wear tubes and flaps called 'clothes' and look like this. You Earthlings can't grow fur. A lot of other creatures on your planet can, but you look down on them as inferior. Photograph: Ros Asquith
Alien Schoolboy: Improver
I'm looking forward to Improving you lousy no good duffers of Earthlings, so you can all be slaves on my home planet. Here's our lovely IMPROVER. Adult Earthlings think they will get bigger chest bumps and lose their blubber if they go inside. Photograph: Ros Asquith
Alien Schoolboy: Shed
We keep the IMPROVER in our garden 'shed' -a male Earthling nest, decorated with rusty tins and dust. Maybe there's one in your neighbourhood? Photograph: Ros Asquith
Alien Schoolboy: Milkman
The milkman went into the IMPROVER like this . If you stand on your head, you can see how he came out. Or, if you're as lazy as most of your feeble kind, you can just look at the next picture. Photograph: Ros Asquith
Alien Schoolboy: Different Milkman
Well, the IMPROVER worked for him. (Others weren’t so lucky, coming out with heads the size of eyeballs and 78 limbs…. but I’m sure by the time YOU go in , we’ll have sorted out these little problems). And you'll get free Ice Cream and all the sweeties you can eat. IF you do as you are told. Photograph: Ros Asquith
Alien Schoolboy: Gorgon and Mermaid
I have to capture Earth creatures, too. Hope you can help me catch a Gorgon and a Mermaid and a centaur. Your 'cows' and 'sheeps' are very sweet although I expected them to be the size of hamsters after looking at pictures in your foolish 'books'. Photograph: Ros Asquith
Alien Schoolboy: Kids Pics
AND I have to get some of these, I know they must be very popular pets, because all little Earthlings draw them. By the way, did you know bats are planning to take over Earth, helped by charming dolphins and industrious ants? You underestimate these creatures at your peril. Photograph: Ros Asquith
Alien Schoolboy: Keith
Unfortunately, I've got to defeat Keith, King of Threggs, who wants to turn Earth into a spinach plantation. Here he is, in a very good mood. Here's what he says 'HOO HOO HAR! PREPARE TO MEET YOUR DOOM.WE DON'T DO IT NICELY, YOU KNOW. IT HURTS. Photograph: Ros Asquith
Alien Schoolboy: Wiffly Biffly
But you can’t always judge by appearances… Here are the dreaded WIFFLY BIFFLY. Pink and fluffy with sparkly wings. Tra la. But listen... Photograph: Ros Asquith
Alien Schoolboy: Wiffly Scary
See what I mean? Will I defeat the Threggs and Wiffly Biffly to save all the lovely worms and cheerful flies and cardboard and mountains and bats and spinach? Or are you all doomed? If you’re the kind of lazy no good Earthling who leaves this book on the shelf, then you’ll never ever ever ever know…. Photograph: Ros Asquith
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