Dear Coleen
I’m a divorced man in my 50s and for about a year I’ve been seeing one of my neighbours, who’s also divorced and a few years younger.
We chose not to isolate together over lockdown because my son and daughter come to stay with me, so we’ve had to make do with talking on the phone, messaging each other and having socially distanced conversations outside.
I really thought this relationship was going somewhere but, over lockdown, I’ve started to have my doubts. I’ve noticed she’s very flirty with other men on social media and her online conversations seem a bit inappropriate for someone who’s meant to be in a relationship.
I also know that her marriage ended because she had an affair, which I realise is always at the back of my mind.
I suppose what I’m saying is that I don’t know if I can trust her. I have mentioned that she has a lot of male friends on social media, but she just laughs and says, “Jealous, are you?” like it’s no big deal or I’m silly for pointing it out.
However, I don’t want to end up getting my heart broken again and I don’t want to be with a woman who doesn’t take the relationship as seriously as I do.
Can you advise?
Coleen says
Social media has a lot to answer for when it comes to couples feeling insecure. Lockdown has been strange for us all and I think we’re all reaching out more via social media in order to feel connected to people and, well, feel a bit more normal.
You don’t have any evidence that she’s taken any of these conversations further or that she’s cheated on you. And I don’t think it’s fair to assume that because her marriage ended as the result of an affair, she’ll cheat on you.
However, I think it’s OK to tell her these flirty messages make you feel a bit insecure and they’ve made you wonder how serious she is about the relationship. And why not admit that yes, you are a bit jealous, actually!
I think you probably just need a bigger, calm conversation about where the relationship is heading. What are your plans when lockdown has eased further – are you going to make more of a commitment to each other?
But, if I were you, I wouldn’t make any huge decisions until life returns to something resembling normality.
When it comes to trust, my motto in life has always been to believe in someone until they let you down.
If you don’t allow people in and give them a chance, you’ll never have the opportunity to form good relationships. And you might miss out on something great.
