HANDS OFF
Any lingering doubts about the Community Shield’s importance in the cosmic scheme of Football Things were firmly put to bed yesterday, when the post-match fallout from the traditional pre-season kickabout at Wembley involved lots of grown men working themselves into a tizzy over two other grown men who don’t like each other very much deciding not to shake hands with each other.
Following a week in which he childishly criticised another manager’s weight, José Mourinho could scarcely have been more dignified. The Chelsea manager patiently waited at the bottom of the Wembley steps to shake the hand of each and every Arsenal player as they returned from collecting their medals, with some cynics suggesting it was all the better to draw attention to the manner in which he turned away from Arsène Wenger.
He needn’t have bothered; descending the steps behind his players, the Arsenal manager appeared to be visibly distracted by something going on to his left, some unspecified incident that appeared to demand his urgent attention … even if other cynics would later suggest it was all the better to veer out of range of the handshake that was not being offered by his opposite number. José Mourinho is 52 years old. Arsène Wenger is 65 years old.
In pubs, on radio phone-ins and all over the internet, people with far too much time on their own hands, used those hands to point fingers in the direction of both men in the clamour to judge who exactly was behaving more like a petulant six-year-old. While Chelsea fans might disagree, their manager appears to have edged it on points for expecting us all to believe, in the face of all visual evidence to the contrary, that his was the better team on the day and that, in defending their own goal while 1-0 up, Arsenal had committed some grave act of despicably unsportsmanlike behaviour to rank up their with that of an American weirdo shooting an unarmed lion with a crossbow. After all, this philosophy of defending your own goal while 1-0 up is not a tactic Mourinho would ever dream of embracing.
“A team that leave their philosophy in the dressing room, and change their attitude and their philosophy, and accumulate 10 players behind the ball every time, play all the second half with nine players in front of the box – this is football, this is very good tactical organisation,” miaowed José, suggesting the only way in which Arsenal could beat his team was by flying in the face of everything they stand for and playing like his team. Of course anyone with a modicum of football intelligence knows deep down that Arsenal’s betrayal of their heritage wasn’t the only reason for Chelsea’s defeat. As their manager was quick to point out, the pitch and weather also conspired against them.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Of all the theatres of war that I worked in, I didn’t like the desert because there was no cover, there was sand everywhere and I thought it was quite a tough environment to work in. That was in Kuwait, where we did a lot of training with Kuwaiti commandos near the airport just after it had been bombed. But I really thrived in Norway when we did our Arctic warfare training” – Peterborough manager and former Royal Marines commando Dave Robertson: not your usual League One gaffer.
FIVER LETTERS
“As a Big Paper devotee, I don’t like promoting other publications but the Daily Mash absolutely nails it today” – Noble Francis.
“I was not surprised to read that in the aftermath of Chelsea’s loss in the Charity Shield, Jose Mourinho blamed the immature playing surface and his opponents’ wanton abandonment of their attacking style. The Special One is surely losing his touch because at his peak he would surely have also blamed his team’s new shirt sponsor. Mourinho’s excuses are wearing thinner than the tread on the bald tyres of a parked bus” – Peter Oh.
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PREMIER LEAGUE PREVIEWS
N is for Newcastle, who come under the microscope today. Are they in for another season of turmoil or could they serenely scale the dizzy heights of 14th?
N is also for Norwich, who have just come up from the Championship under Alex Neil. Will the Canaries secure a strong foothold on their Premier League perch?
BITS AND BOBS
Manchester United full-back Rafael de Silva is, like a hipster in Brent Cross at lunchtime, heading for Lyon. “Rafael has arrived from Manchester, we are waiting for an agreement with MU about his transfer. He has the Brazilian good humour!” cheered Lyon president Jean-Michel Aulas somewhat gnomically.
Sunderland’s Connor Wickham will now be known as Crystal Palace’s Connor Wickham after the London club hefted a sack containing an undisclosed number of beans to the north east.
Enner Valencia faces up to 12 weeks out with knee- and ankle-gah!
N’Golo Kanté is all set to be tinkered with to within an inch of his life after signing for Claudio Ranieri’s Leicester City.
Cristiano Ronaldo has risked the wrath of his agent Jorge Mendes by buying him a Greek island as a wedding present, a gift that wasn’t on the list Mendes had at John Lewis.
Oh good, football’s back dept: players for Israeli side Ashdod were chased into the stands by ultras during a friendly against CSKA Sofia on Sunday.
Leicester City are on the verge of a £5.6m deal for Atalanta’s Yohan Benalouane. “I left the training camp in tears on Friday, because I really care for everyone. I didn’t want to leave Atalanta and would gladly have stayed, but an offer of €8m is a lot for a club like Atalanta,” sobbed the defender.
Rickie Lambert is hopeful his move to West Brom can reignite his international career. “It is only two years ago that I scored against Scotland,” he said. “I scored 15 goals and then 13 goals for Southampton and obviously it is over a year since I did that but I have just got to get back to that now.” The last outfield Albion player to win an England cap? Steve Hunt in May 1984.
STILL WANT MORE?
Raheem Sterling v Memphis Depay: who will have more impact? Jamie Jackson channels Harry Hill and shouts “FIGHT!”
Jacob Steinberg was at the Community Shield final yesterday and today he’s been wandering around the office, button-holing colleagues and subjecting them to these five talking points he brought home from Wembley.
Graham Parker and Graham Ruthven are in America, which has prevented them from doing the same with their MLS talking points.
And for all those readers who keep bleating about how biased and anti-[insert your team’s name here] our previews are, you can read the totally dispassionate verdicts of various fans here and here.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
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