Many of us can’t shake the feeling that the McCaskey family will let go of its ownership of the Bears only when the Rapture arrives, and not a moment sooner. The feeling is a constant companion. It’s like having documents of surrender chained to your wrist, sort of like the ones the Bears brought with them to the Lions game on Sunday.
But if I’m reading the will of the people correctly, it’s that the McCaskeys need to sell the team right now, if not sooner. I base this on the number of pitchforks and torches being carried around in the streets. This tends to happen every five to 10 years with Bears fans, but a six-game losing streak and no quarterback to speak of have left them particularly angry.
So let’s blissfully mistake that for momentum and pretend that the message has gotten through to the family — that the idea of selling the franchise has finally taken root. Here are some extremely qualified candidates to buy the team:
Patrick Mahomes – The Chiefs quarterback signed a 10-year, $503 million contract extension over the summer. It included $140 million in guaranteed money. What’s he going to use it on, more insurance from Jake from State Farm? I’d like to think that kind of money would be enough for a down payment on the Bears, who are valued at $3.5 billion, according to Forbes. If it isn’t, perhaps Texans quarterback Deshaun Watson could chip in some of the money from the four-year, $156 million extension he signed in September. One of them can play quarterback for the Bears, allowing us to attempt to forget that Jonathan Quinn, Craig Krenzel and Chad Hutchinson ever happened.
A Mahomes/Watson ownership group would be poetic justice. Bears general manager Ryan Pace passed on both superstar quarterbacks during the 2017 draft in favor of not-a-superstar Mitch Trubisky. You’ll be able to read that failure on Pace’s grave marker someday, along with “Yeah, but some draft analysts also had Mitch ranked first!’’ carved into the stone by one of the GM’s cold, clawed fingers.
Betty White – The actress is a member of the board of directors of the Greater Los Angeles Zoo Association. Some bears live in zoos. She is 98.
Warren Buffett – The billionaire is a big sports fan. He has shown up at sporting events clad in the jerseys of players he likes, including LeBron James. He has shown little interest in buying a professional sports franchise, but perhaps a legacy franchise such as the Bears would entice him to enter the pool. Another rich guy from Omaha buying a Chicago franchise … what’s the problem?
Mark Cuban – The Mavericks owner lost out to the Ricketts family when the Cubs went on the market in 2007. The Bears might answer his desire to own franchises in two different sports. If he bought the team, he’d get a ticker-tape parade on Michigan Avenue just for not being a McCaskey. Before the buses started rolling, we’d want to see some genealogical documentation, of course.
Bears fans – Hey, if Packers fans can do it, why not their woebegone cousins to the south? If Herm from Wauwatosa can have a stake in his team, why can’t Nell from Blue Island have one in hers? Masses of Bears fans believe they can run the franchise better than the people in charge. They might be right. All they need to do is raise $3.5 billion. Let me just say this: Marijuana sales in Illinois could top $1 billion is 2020. You didn’t think this was going to involve some sacrifice?
Theo Epstein — Because somebody’s going to write in and say, “What about Theo Epstein?’’
Michael Jordan – I know what you’re thinking: Great basketball player, mediocre owner. This is based on his six NBA titles as a Bulls player and his lukewarm record as the decision maker for the Hornets. I’m here to tell you that you’re exactly right. In the 2006 draft, MJ used the third overall pick to select Adam Morrison, who was Trubisky before Trubisky.
So why Jordan for the Bears? One reason: Better stories. In the middle of a 10-game losing streak, he’ll say, “Remember the Flu Game?’’ and we’ll forget everything else. The McCaskeys try that with the ’85 Bears, but when the story is over, they’re still the McCaskeys.
Ken Griffin – In June, the Chicago billionaire bought a painting, “Boy and a Dog In a Johnnypump’’ for more than $100 million. Dude. Here’s “Allen Robinson and a first-down marker” for $3.5 billion. You get a stadium suite, too.
Elon Musk – Anyone who owns a business called The Boring Company (a tunnel-drilling enterprise) is eminently qualified to own the Bears.
The Three Stooges – Reader Stan emailed me with the breaking news that Pace already had his top three draft picks in mind for 2021. He included a photo of the Stooges as proof. We need to think bigger here. I’m talking ownership for the boys. You’re asking, “Aren’t Moe, Larry and Curly dead?” Yes, they are. And?
Aaron Rodgers – Oh, right. He already owns the Bears.
