BLUES’ BOTHERS
Antonio Conte has always struck The Fiver as one of those versatile, fire-and-ice fellows, who would be capable of beating a polygraph machine in any sense of the word “beat”. It’s not hard to picture him strapped into a lie detector device and then ripping the strap off his arm and bashing the beeping contraption repeatedly against a wall while imagining it is the head of a misfiring forward. Then kicking it several times after it has fallen to the floor in a heap of straggly wire and bust metal. And stamping up and down on it until he’s pulled away by officers who thought they’d seen it all. You show ’em, Antonio!
By the same token, it is not difficult to envisage the Chelsea manager sitting glass-eyed and cold-blooded as he answers every question with total bobbins, eliciting nothing but an unknowing tick from the polygraph. You tell ’em porkies, Antonio!
The man is in complete control of his words and emotions, except when he’s not. By the time Conte was interrogated by the media late on Wednesday night, and while Thibaut Courtois was still giving Lionel Messi a soothing post-match rub-down, the Chelsea manager was ready to spin a yarn, deadpan as you please. “We have no regrets,” he ventured. “If you watch the game, you can see the final result is unfair.” The polygraph spluttered a little at that but eventually let it pass on the grounds that regret and fairness are subjective judgements and Conte’s demeanour suggested he really doesn’t rue standing off Barcelona for most of the first leg nor watching his players create and waste chance after chance at the Camp Nou. But Chelsea have regrets, alright! And if Diego Costa is half the petty man that The Fiver likes to think he is, then he has has already sent a text to call Conte’s bluff. Be gentle with that phone, Antonio!
Chelsea’s frustrating elimination by a team they hinted at beating means that of the five English clubs who set sail for Big Cup glory, only two remain afloat. But there’s also Big Vase, where the Premier League’s hopes rest in the trembly hands of Arsenal FC. Arsène Wenger is warning not to put too much pressure on his players as they prepare for Thursday’s visit from the ghost of Milan. “Europe gives you a psychological problem,” wibbled Wenger as Fabio Borini walked up to the Emirates covered in a bed sheet with a hand-drawn likeness of Marco van Basten. “When you have won away from home, you have to finish the job at home but it is not easy because it always puts the team who is playing against you in the position of having nothing to lose.” Arsenal have a 2-0 lead to lose, and bearing in mind they almost managed to do that against a Swedish ski camp in the last round, Milan may not be history just yet.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Disciplinary proceedings have been opened following the [Big Cup] match between Besiktas and Bayern Munich” – Uefa clamps down on the things that matter, including “insufficient organisation” for a cat running on the pitch during the German team’s last-16, second-leg win. Also in Uefa’s line of sight: Roma, charged with “time wasting by ball boys”, one of whom got shoved over an advertising hoarding by Shakhtar Donetsk’s Facundo Ferreira.
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FIVER LETTERS
“OK, I’ll take the bait. Your decision to award Andy Korman letter o’the day for his ‘Aarhus Inthemiddleofourstreet’ pun? Madness!” – R Reisman (and others).
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BITS AND BOBS
Southampton think Ailsa from Home and Away is the best person to keep them in the Premier League. “I understand what it takes to win games,” he honked as Stoke fans took a moment or three to stop laughing.
Gareth Southgate remains fully focused on preparing England for the Ethics World Cup despite the political tensions between the UK and hosts Russia. “We are desperate to go and that’s where my remit ends on that matter,” he tooted after revealing his squad to face the Netherlands and Italy. Full squad: Butland (Stoke), Hart (West Ham, on loan from Man City), Pickford (Everton), Pope (Burnley); Bertrand (Southampton), Gomez (Liverpool), Maguire (Leicester), Mawson (Swansea), Rose (Tottenham), Stones (Man City), Tarkowski (Burnley), Trippier (Tottenham), Walker (Man City); Morris-Dancing Fiver (Fiver Towers), Alli (Tottenham), Cook (Bournemouth), Dier (Tottenham), Henderson (Liverpool), Lallana (Liverpool), Lingard (Man Utd), Livermore (West Brom), Oxlade-Chamberlain (Liverpool), Wilshere (Arsenal), Young (Man Utd); Sterling (Man City), Vardy (Leicester), Welbeck (Arsenal). That midfield!
Arsenal are WSL Cup holders for the fifth time in the competition’s seven-year history after Vivianne Miedema’s goal saw off Manchester City 1-0 in the final.
Notoriously mild-mannered Hibs boss Neil Lennon must sit on the naughty step for three games after being sent off against Kilmarnock last month.
And Spurs expect knack-victim Harry Kane to feature again before the end of the season. “You’re going to read all the info in the media – that’s one thing,” babbled Mauricio Pochettino. “The reality is now he’s in his crutches and a boot and we need to assess him day-by-day and we’ll see the reaction.”
STILL WANT MORE?
Our World Cup stunning moments roll on with the Maracanazo.
Liam Rosenior on why results aren’t enough for managers in modern football.
Chelsea were given a painful reminder by Barça of their declining European status, writes Dominic Fifield.
Sid Lowe on another night that belonged to Leo Messi.
Branching out into travel, are we?
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