Are you worried a jealous friend will sabotage your closeness with a co-worker? Or, is your neighbor a little too friendly with your husband?
Plenty of relationships are torn apart by outside influences targeted toward two people.
This doesn't mean that you become a cynic. After all, plenty of destructive behaviors aren't acted out on purpose.
However, tension that grows will escalate beyond fixing. Often, relationships will explode from the inside out, and they're over. This happens when you add emotions or words to the problem, exacerbating it.
A better plan is to consciously take control. Choose your steps carefully.
"I knew my neighbor was flirting with my husband," says a woman we'll call Terri. "She was always sunbathing on the other side of our garage. Ultimately, she started bringing over food to my husband when I had late meetings at my place of work. Finally, she made an overt move on him!"
Terri says her husband was the first to spot the flirting neighbor. "But," says Terri, "I joked about it and pretended not to be jealous. That was my mistake. I should have been on high alert!"
Terri's husband told Terri that the neighbor came over to sunbathe in her yard. This was the week Terri was out of town at a convention. The neighbor ended up on a lawn recliner.
"She disrobed right there in my backyard," Terri told us. "My husband, thank God, ran her off. When I got home, he told me what had happened."
When an aggressor enters your world, don't take this lightly. Here are some tips to taking care of such issues:
_ Trust your instincts. If you sense a troublemaker is inching into your work circle, tune into your radar. Ignoring trouble never works.
_ Make your presence known. This might not require words. For example, Terri might have cranked up loud music or decided to water the lawn when the sunbathing neighbor inched too close.
_ Be verbal about your territory. Tell a troublemaking co-worker, "I am over this committee. I will decide what goes into the final report to the boss."
_ Don't rely on being nice. Nice doesn't work with people who disrespect others. It actually works against you. If push comes to shove in certain situations, say, "I am not going to put up with this. I'll get a lawyer."
_ Alert people in power. For example, if neighbors are dealing drugs near your house, go in person to share details with police. If a co-worker is making sexual advances, go straight to the HR director to provide a detailed report.
"It's really tricky if you're related to those people trying to harm your relationships," says a psychologist we'll call Ed. "In-laws, jealous cousins, or adult stepchildren can try to hurt you in all kinds of ways."
Ed explains that physical distance and not engaging in any way with troublemakers is ideal.
"My friend Angela has an adult stepdaughter who was causing all kinds of problems in Angela's marriage," says Ed. "I advised my friend to stop saying anything. I assured her the culprit would soon get tired and quit."
The problem was this: The stepdaughter was using opioids and she wanted money from her dad.
"When Angela stepped back, her husband caught all of the heat. He finally caught on and distanced himself from his daughter."
Ed summarizes: "Not saying anything is a great boundary. Troublemakers can't argue with a stone wall."
