Ah, now this is exactly what the schedules need: more food, and a new cookery show, My Kitchen Rules (Channel 4). The format is imported from Australia, a televisual Jacob’s Creek perhaps. Actually, there has been a UK version before, but it was on Sky Living, so you probably didn’t see it. Now it’s on Channel 4, home of the Bake Off ... all right, calm down.
Is rules a verb here, or a noun, I wonder? Rule one, always ensure sharp knives are out of reach of children ... would be quite boring. I’m hoping verb.
Teams of two transform their homes into a restaurant for the night, and the experience will be scored by the rivals ... it’s Come Dine With Me isn’t it? Wait, though, because there are a couple of expert judges, too – legendary writer and cookery school founder Prue Leith and chef Michael Caines, who has accolades and awards coming out of his ears. Four times chef of the year, eight times winner of best restaurant, two Michelin stars for 18 years.
The experts have the ultimate say. In the next round, they will be in kitchen headquarters and there will be eliminations. So, now it’s MasterChef then. If it was a recipe, it wouldn’t be a very difficult one. Take Come Dine With Me, add MasterChef, and there you have it: My Kitchen Rules.
Anyway, first up are Ami and Nicola in Glasgow, who have seven hours to buy their langoustines (a very over-rated shellfish, I’ve always thought), prep their food and de-nipple their pork belly, pop up their popup home restaurant, set the place sporrans and get into their ginger wigs and tam-o-shanters. Their guests – their rivals – arrive and are abandoned at the table, for what seems like ages, while Ami and Nicola cook in the kitchen.
Then the judges show up. “Just as long as I’m not given a deep-fried Mars bar,” says Prue. Boo, negative stereotype, you come up here all hoity toity from London, diss our cuisine ... “I’m sure you’re looking forward to getting back in the kitchen,” says Michael, the award-winning chef. Did we mention he had two – TWO – Michelin stars? Maybe he should wear them round his neck, on a big chain. The diners are abandoned for another 45 minutes.
The starter – curried langoustine (boo) soup – is a moderate success, not quite flavoursome enough, the judges agree. “So, ladies, I’m sure you’re keen to get back in the kitchen to start preparing your main,” says Michael.
Ami and Nicola now have 60 minutes to get their main ready. What!? That’s the main problem with the format, isn’t it – the poor diners have to spend about 18 hours waiting at the table. Not much Jacob’s Creek going down either. At least in Come Dine With Me they get drunk.
The pork belly is late, and not melty enough, even if the crackling is cracking and thankfully nipple-free. It lacks flavour, says Michael, and what happened to the fennel? Ami and Nicola’s star is on the wane. I don’t think they will be bothering the later rounds too much. Unless they can turn it round with their pudding: millionaire’s shortbread ...
They can’t. Again it’s late. The chocolate mousse (this is an Ami and Nicola take on millionaire’s shortbread) is good, says Prue, also Nicola’s shortbread, but Ami’s caramel is a disaster. To be honest, I think Ami is the weak link in the team, and Nicola might want to think about ditching her. Sorry, Ami, harsh I know, but someone needs to tell it like it is.
Michael, a big fan of traditional millionaire’s shortbread, is upset that this isn’t that. After delivering this feedback, he says: “I’m sure you’ll want to get back to the kitchen while we finish this dessert.” Oi, stop sending ladies back to the kitchen, Michael. I know you don’t mean it like that, but it just doesn’t sound good. Also he says “going forward”, which I hate even more than I hate “reaching out”. And it – the dessert – can’t be that bad, if they’re going to finish it.
The scoring process is long and laborious – the other contestants judge their rivals’ meals, then Prue and Michael judge the individual courses – at the end of which, Ami and Nicola have scored 55 out of 90. They can forget about the 10 grand, I reckon.
And next (today, this is daily) we’re off to Edinburgh to dine with Hugh and Ste, though I think I may be busy. It’s too obviously fusion, CDWM + MC, there’s not enough flavour in the personalities of the judges, it’s too bland, too polite, too slow. That’s it, going forward, I’m out.
