Match report:
Full-time: England 60-3 Uruguay
That wasn’t great. England started out looking very, very average indeed, but turned on the style a bit more once Uruguay had tired. You could easily argue that they didn’t need to wait that long, and you’d be right, but there’s little point in discussing it now.
England’s World Cup is done, Stuart Lancaster’s time in charge of this team is done and a lot of these players’ international careers are done. We’ll do the post mortem stuff in due course, right here on this very website.
Thanks for reading and thanks for all your emails and tweets. G’night.
Updated
Penalty try + Ford con England 60-3 Uruguay
Wood goes through a tackle and offloads nicely to Wigglesworth. He gives it to Ford, who is dragged down just short. It’s passed out to Goode, who knocks on over the line in the the tackle, but said tackle came from an offside position. Ford chips over the extras.
80 min Uruguay get a penalty as Wood goes off his feet at the breakdown and Duran kicks to touch. 37-year-old No8 Nick Easter is named man of the match for his hat-trick of pushover tries against a team mostly of amateurs. England nick the lineout and get it out to Joseph, who is over halfway in double quick time. It goes left to Robshaw on the wing and he sensibly opts to pass it back inside. The clock is in the red now.
79 min Wigglesworth finds a good touch down the left with his box kick, over halfway.
78 min Another collapsed maul as Launchbury clamps on to it, the maul can’t support its own weight and down it goes. Scrum England.
77 min One more unconverted try and my prediction is right. They won’t get it like that, though, as they look to run from deep and Brown pops a pass behind his man and into touch five metres out from his own line.
76 min Poor old George Ford. It’s another one wide on the wrong side for a right-footer and he sends it wide again.
Try (Nowell 74) England 53-3 Uruguay
England get a penalty and take it quickly. Joseph steps round one man, inside another and offloads to Slade, who draws his man and gives it to his fellow Exeter back for the hat-trick. A bit more impressive than Nick Easter’s, it has to be said.
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74 min Marler gets a boot in to send the ball squirting up to the 22, where Beer and Gaminara combine well to retain possession for Uruguay. Berchesi gets it away to touch, just inside their own half. Uruguay bring Alejandro Duran on for the fly-half and Blengio on for, er, they didn’t show that one.
73 min Uruguay come again, running a kick back to halfway but struggling to make ground and it’s knocked on by Alonso. Wide it goes to Nowell, who looks to step inside but is brought down. It comes back inside and Kruis makes ground again, but the ball is turned over.
71 min Ford’s touchline kick is wide. Wigglesworth on for Care, Marler for Vunipola, Duran for Arboleya.
Try (Nowell 70) England 48-3 Uruguay
Care has a dart from the scrum after taking it from Easter but he’s flattened just short of the corner. England work it back inside and look to push their way over again, Easter ignoring the massive overlap in pursuit of his fourth. Eventually they decide to throw it out and the defence can’t drift quickly enough. Nowell dots down from close range.
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69 min Agustin Alonso comes on for Nieto, the impressive No8. England’s scrum is all over Uruguay’s and they get a penalty for illegal wheeling. Ford sticks it in the left-hand corner.
68 min Joseph looks to dance through a gap as England go down the short side. It comes back inside and, after a good carry by George, Kruis powers his way through a tackle. He can’t find Ford in support, but it’s recycled by Care and Brown puts Goode over in the corner. The ball went forward off the new man though.
67 min There will be no hat-trick for Watson tonight as he’s replaced by Brown. Brown plays on the left, Nowell on the right. Big cheer from the Manchester crowd for the Harlequins man, and I suppose that’s deserved: he’s been one of England’s better performances at this tournament.
66 min Ford chips over the top from the lineout for Joseph to chase, but he doesn’t put enough depth on it and Silva takes. He turns and gets support, but there’s a knock on.
65 min Berchesi goes to the corner again, but Kruis gets highest and steals the lineout ball. England look to run from their own with Nowell, but he loses it forward. England penalty for not rolling away though.
64 min Uruguay get the driving maul going and they crab to within a couple of metres, under the posts. Gaminara has a dart, then Ormaechea goes wide to Berchesi. The ball goes to ground but England were offside.
63 min Uruguay aren’t lying down and earn themselves a penalty at the breakdown as England don’t roll away from a tackle. Berchesi puts it in the corner as Uruguay change their props – Klappenbach and Corral on for Sanguinetti and Sagario. Palomeque is on for Zerbino in the second row too.
61 min Ford’s conversion misses by miles. Haskell, who has been terrible in butchering overlaps, is replaced by Wood.
Try (Easter 60) England 43-3 Uruguay
England got a lineout on the 22 shortly after the restart and from that they form a driving maul. It’s a walkover and Nick Easter has his second England hat-trick. Take from that what you will.
59 min Another England change, with Joseph coming on for Farrell and Slade going to 12. England should be able to play some attractive rugby in these last 20 minutes and stretch a tiring Uruguayan backline to breaking point.
Conversion (Farrell 58) England 38-3 Uruguay
Farrell rediscovers his radar with another kick from out wide.
Try (Nowell 57) England 36-3 Uruguay
Slade and Berchesi exchange kicks, before Goode launches a counter attack by stepping and releasing Care to go through a gap. He passes left to Nowell – perhaps forwards? – but it goes unchecked and the Cornishman is over in the corner for England’s sixth.
Updated
56 min From very wide on the left, Farrell’s conversion is a fraction to the left of the posts. Kruis comes on for Parling.
Try (Slade 54) England 31-3 Uruguay
From the lineout, Uruguay go right and cross halfway. They play the patient game, but then Ormaechea’s high kick is well taken by Goode. Beer does well to rip it back, but then the scrum-half is left exposed by his back row and Slade charges the box kick down. Slade kicks it ahead, controlling well with his boot, and goes over wide on the left unopposed.
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52 min Care steps through a gap, but Beer brings him down. Haskell comes charging in, off his feet despite there being no one in the ruck. The man is a total joke.
51 min England lineout 40 metres out and they go right, with good hands from Ford and Slade getting it out to Watson, who takes it up. He’s stopped and England switch it left; Haskell has a two-man overlap outside him and drops the ball. Berchesi clears out his 22.
50 min Nice intricate hands off the back of the scrum from England’s backs and they get it out to Nowell, but again he has no space. They go back inside and go through the forwards, but Robshaw knocks on. Have England ever fielded a more workmanlike, mediocre trio in the back row?
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49 min Another penalty, for offside this time, to England just outside the 22 centrefield. They take the scrum.
48 min England win possession on their own 10 metre line and look to get it wide. Nowell is taken out, but it’s another penalty.
Robert Smithson writes: “As unashamedly biased as I am, it seems to me England’s tries have only come from being physically stronger. I can’t recall them actually outmanoeuvering Uruguay. So well done to Los Teros for defending heroically, if a little haphazardly. Maybe in this half we might just see them hold on to the ball for long enough to give themselves a scoring chance. Let’s hope eh? We know it would mean much more to them than it ever would for England.”
47 min Penalty to Uruguay at the scrum though and they put it in the corner again, but Parling steals it. Fun fact: if England had drawn with Wales they would have qualified for the quarter-finals now. It’s a shame they didn’t have an opportunity to draw the match... OK that’s harsh.
46 min It’s taken 10 metres out by Gaminara and Uruguay try to form the driving maul, but England get in there and collapse it legally, earning the turnover and the put-in to the scrum. Launchbury the man with the good work.
45 min From the restart, Farrell sends a cross kick for Nowell, which Berchesi takes well. Goode tries to tackle the fly-half, but his tackle slips up and gets him round the neck. Berchesi finds touch with a penalty down the right.
43 min As Wilson replaces Cole, Farrell sends a difficult touchline conversion drifting just wide of the far post.
Try (Watson 42) England 26-3 Uruguay
England take the scrum, it’s solid and when they go right, Watson goes on an arcing run round the corner and canters over for the easiest of finishes on the right.
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41 min Here we go again. Ford restarts against 14-man opponents, with Vilaseca in the bin. Easter regathers the short kick and George goes barrelling up into the 22. England shift it right and Cole takes it on, gaining more ground. Left again and Nowell shows his strength to get within five. Right again and Haskell knocks on again – surely he can never play for England again? – but England had the advantage for offside.
Well done England. You’ve pushed those puny Uruguayans all over the place – mostly, anyway – and sent your 37-year-old No8 over for a couple of close range tries. SWING LOOOOWWW.
Half-time: England 21-3 Uruguay
Care goes round the corner looking for a gap, but Ormaechea drags him short. England get advantage for off feet and continue to pick and go. This is the problem with this England team: they have a free play and decide that picking and driving against the minnows is the only option. We go back for the penalty and they go quickly, earning another one 10 metres out. Santiago Vilaseca is off his feet, going backwards and gets a yellow card. Ah but then England go quickly and Care is penalised for holding on just short. Berchesi boots it out.
40 min Uruguay keep it tight, looking to run down the clock until halftime, but they concede a scrum for, I think, accidental offside. This should be the last play of the half, what with there being five seconds left of it. It’s on the Uruguay 10 metre line, on the left.
39 min England win it, roll towards the line and the maul goes down. Easter holds on on the floor though and Berchesi clears his lines with the penalty.
38 min This is excellent defence from Uruguay, really slowing England down and not letting them breach the gainline. They have conceded a penalty though for a slightly high tackle on Goode by Berchesi and England go to the corner, looking for that all important bonus point.
37 min In fact, that penalty was for the supporting runners going off their feet at the ruck. Ford finds touch in the Uruguayan half on the left and England again bash away at the defence, 30 metres out.
36 min Right go Uruguay and suddenly Gibernau has it in space. He looks around for support, but seeing none, takes the tackle from Goode and holds on in that.
35 min An exchange of kicks off the scrum and England get the forwards smashing into the Uruguayan line again. On the 22, it’s very cleverly pinched on the floor by Gaminara, the third turnover England have conceded to Uruguay’s one, and he sprints up to halfway.
33 min From the scrum, Ford tries to find Watson with a cross kick that sails just a touch too far and into touch on the full. Uruguay lineout 27 metres from the England line and, though they get possession from it, it’s not clean and they struggle for momentum from the breakdown. Eventually it’s knocked on as Ormaechea surprises Sanguinetti with his pass.
32 min Nowell calls the mark from the Uruguayan kick over the top and doesn’t make much ground with his clearance down the left. The lineout is won by Nieto, but the throw wasn’t straight and England get the scrum.
31 min Ormaechea’s box kick to touch will give George his first throw of the World Cup. It’s not great and the ball goes loose at the back, allowing Arboleya, who has impressed in this tournament, to steal it.
Tom Youngs’ World Cup is over. Jamie George comes on as the Tigers man had taken a fair few bumps.
30 min Now Uruguay are looking for a way out of the 22, but there’s nothing there. Care creates another opportunity for England though with a good charge down of Ormaechea’s clearance, which sends the ball into touch just inside the 22.
Updated
29 min 18 phases now and Slade pops a lovely pass out to Wartson. He’s stopped five metres short. 20 phases as they go left and Haskell knocks on.
28 min Up to 11 phases now as Parling and Haskell carry into the 22. It goes wide to Watson, but England have stalled just a touch here.
27 min Still they go but Silva is stripped and England quickly work it wide to Watson. He’s stopped so England go quickly left to Nowell, who crosses halfway. England on the front foot and you feel it would take a mistake from them not to score from here.
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26 min Uruguay get it from the scrum and Ormaechea looks to go round the corner, but he’s smothered by the double tackle. Uruguay retain possession and look for space, but there’s very little of that in the England defence.
25 min The restart hits Nick Easter in the face and he knocks on.
Conversion (Farrell 25) England 21-3 Uruguay
Easy enough for Farrell, slotting it over from the left.
Updated
Try (Easter 23) England 19-3 Uruguay
Again it’s Parling’s and again England go for the driving maul, with Easter getting an armchair ride. Up to within five and Robshaw drives on with advantage. Vunipola and Care snipe, before Easter goes over from a metre out.
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22 min Parling takes again and England get quick ball. Nowell comes in off his wing, but is stopped as he tries to crash it up and gives away a penalty for holding on. Berchesi scuffs his kick though and Slade fields it, then kicks ahead. Berchesi gets across and clears, but Slade is up well and the kick only makes it to the 22.
21 min Ford finds touch on the left, 25 metres out.
20 min Care once again returns the restart long into the Uruguay half. An exchange of kicks, then Nowell takes a quick one 10 metres inside his half. England pick and drive to halfway, then try to put width on it only for Prada to so nearly nab Ford’s pass to Robshaw. England recover it, but the move is a total mess so we go back to an advantage.
Conversion (Farrell 19) England 14-3 Uruguay
One of the few positives from this England campaign, Farrell slots it from out wide.
Try (Easter 18) England 12-3 Uruguay
The driving maul does for Uruguay, to no one’s great surprise. It was a fairly effortless score.
17 min England work it infield and Gaminara goes off his feet at the ruck. Ford goes into the left-hand corner.
“To be fair, having watched the All Blacks so far, Robshaw’s efforts are fairly similar,” points out Damian Clarke.
16 min So we restart, after some minor treatment to Tom Youngs, with an England scrum nine metres inside their half. Up pop Uruguay, as if the scrum was John Hurt’s chest, and that’s a penalty. Ford finds touch 30 metres out on the left.
15 min Uruguay get the free kick at the scrum and Ormaechea looks for space. They go left and Silva spins out of two tackles, before Mieres does the same, taking Uruguay over halfway. It’s fired infield to Sagario, but the pass from Berchesi was a touch loose and went forwards.
14 min This is crap.
13 min After 10 phases, Beer slams into Slade and forces the centre to knock on five metres out and Uruguay clear their lines. That was deeply uninspiring from England. They take the quick lineout just inside the Uruguay half, but then Robshaw knocks on trying to catch-pass in the All Black fashion – something the Quins man lacks the skill set to do.
12 min Another penalty as a pass for Robshaw goes behind the captain and is intercepted by Arboleya, but there was an offside. England go quickly and pick and go towards the line, but Care is driven a way back by Sagario.
11 min Parling takes at the back and England maul slowly towards the line. It’s not getting there so Haskell peels, but Uruguay’s defence is good.
10 min Robshaw opts for the scrum, just a few metres outside the 22 on the right. To be honest, they should have the platform to score here... although they don’t even get the opportunity to strike as Uruguay engage early and concede the penalty. Ford puts it in the corner.
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9 min Care clears the restart to touch deep in Uruguay territory and Mieres tries to take it quickly, but the full-back was a good couple of yards infield when he threw it.
Refresh the page and that score below will be corrected. Sorry, I’m quite ill.
Conversion (Farrell 8) England 7-3 Uruguay
From wide on the left – only about 14 metres infield – Owen Farrell curls the conversion over.
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Try! (Watson 7) England 5-3 Uruguay
England’s scrum is dominant and they get it left very quickly to Nowell, thanks to a lovely floated pass from his clubmate Slade. The Exeter man chips over the top and Watson wins the race to the ball and dots it down six inches or so inside the dead ball line.
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6 min Berchesi clears up to halfway on the left and Santiago Vilaseca wins it in the middle. Uruguay go inside then back left, but Berchesi’s pass out to Arboleya on halfway is forwards.
Penalty it is, but no more.
5 min Farrell takes it standing still, but checks inside and goes through a gap, into the 22. It’s recycled and Nowell takes it up to within five, but then when it’s recycled Ford knocks on. It will be a scrum at least, but probably more as the TMO is checking for a neck roll by Tom Youngs.
4 min Comfortably taken by Uruguay and they form the maul, but Launchbury gets himself wedged in there to stop it making any ground. Ormaechea box kicks to touch midway inside his own half. Launchbury takes the lineout and England get it wide quickly.
3 min England’s turn to restart and Uruguay pick and go from outside their 22 before Ormaechea sends it up high. Goode takes it just inside his own half and, after he’s tackled, Care finds touch down the left inside the 22 with an excellent tumbling box kick.
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Penalty (Berchesi 2) England 0-3 Uruguay
From 24 metres, dead in front, it’s a very minor embarrassment for England.
And here we go. Felipe Berchesi, Uruguay’s impressive fly-half kicks off and Easter gathers in the 22. It’s fired back to Farrell at 12 and he kicks long to Mieres. The full-back chips over the top and England gather, but the hosts were offside and Uruguay will have a shot at the lead right at the start.
Out come the players, marching past BAH HA HA HA HA the Webb Ellis cup.
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“Hello Dan.” Hello, Fiona Reed, you optimistic so-and-so. “Sometimes things don’t work out. It’s all been crushing for England and now they have to come out and play when they would probably rather be just about anywhere else. But they are still a team and still doing something that some people would (rather self-defeatingly) give their right arm for. It is a great occasion for Uruguay, it is great that they are in the RWC and they don’t deserve to have everyone going on about it being a dead game. Apologies if that’s all a bit naive. Anyway, enjoy the rugby everyone!”
Come on Fiona, that kind of positive thinking and pleasant lack of cynicism is completely inappropriate for the mood of the MBM.
Raymond Reardon asks: “False Advertising.... isn’t that ‘Live MBM - England v Uruguay’ when it has been dead for a week ?” Very droll.
I too am slouched in my chair. I’m all outta gum though.
Disappointed that Lawrence Dallagio needs to chew gum & slouch in his chair @ITVSport #ENGvURU #RugbyWorldCup
— Louise Cook (@squeasy_louise) October 10, 2015
“Would you like the job?” John Inverdale asks Clive Woodward of the England coaching role. “That opportunity’s long gone,” says Clive. “It’s not going to happen”.
Let’s talk Stuart Lancaster then. If he goes, will there be trouble? Or if he stays will it be double? Come on and let me know what you think Stuart should do next.
Score predictions then, anyone? England by 55 I reckon.
Pre-match musical interlude
As we’re in Manchester tonight, this is from up-and-coming Manc punks False Advertising. I heartily recommend their new album
Or, because he’s mega fast, Paul Rees has filed his match report from that one.
We now have two of the quarter-finals confirmed: South Africa v Wales and Australia v Scotland.
In case you missed it, here’s the report on Scotland’s narrow win over Samoa that confirmed the Scots’ place in the last eight.
And here is Barry Glendenning’s MBM of a pulsating match between Wales and Australia, which finished just a few minutes ago.
Reasons to follow the MBM rather than watch the match on ITV:
In the commentary box early to fine-tune my "Agueroooooooo" routine. People moving away. "Launchbureeeeee" @ITVRugby pic.twitter.com/viETMsm3RH
— Nick Mullins (@andNickMullins) October 10, 2015
Well, this isn’t going to be as good as the other two matches today, is it? “Make them giants” has been the England team’s slogan of choice throughout this World Cup. It feels even sillier today, given that Uruguay’s two locks are both smaller than I am at 6’2” and 6’3”.
Preamble
Evening folks. Emmeline Pankhurst and the suffragette movement. Factory Records. The Bee Gees. A Clockwork Orange. The Fall, Joy Division, New Order and The Smiths. Computers. Libraries. Trains. Mike Atherton. My girlfriend. This very newspaper. Manchester, it’s fair to say, has given a lot to the world. Its reward from the Rugby World Cup organisers? This. This one, poxy little meaningless match that has no bearing on the pool’s final standings.
It’s harsh to blame the organisers, mind you. They were expecting – or at least hoping – for this to be a celebration for an already-qualified England. A team riding high on the crest of a wave, confirming their qualification with a huge, confidence-building win against the pool’s minnows. Instead they have a demoralised England in a no-win situation; dumped out of their own tournament by teams who were better prepared and just better, now facing a no-win situation against Uruguay. The South Americans are the team that has arguably come out of the tournament with greater credit and certainly greater public admiration, despite the fact they will finish it without a win. Thinking about it, Manchester is getting what it deserved for giving the world Oasis.
What can England do? They could rack up a massive win playing well and they will be criticised for not picking some of these players earlier – Stuart Lancaster has made nine changes from the team thrashed by Australia for what will (and, if you ask me, sadly should) surely be his final match in charge. Furthermore, given the not-entirely-unfair perceptions of arrogance surrounding the England team, they will almost certainly be dismissed or derided as mere bully boys.
Alternatively, they could struggle and limp over the line, in which case they will be mocked by the Welsh and the Australians and damned by everyone else as a team who got ideas way above their station as to how good they are... more so. Hell, they could lose this (they won’t lose this, but speaking hypothetically) and only the most parochial, rose-tinted Englishman wouldn’t smile.
If we’re scraping the barrel for positives, then at least we will get to see some of the exciting young players that Stuart Lancaster picked for his squad but hasn’t trusted to play. In the case of Henry Slade, someone he picked for his squad despite never having trusted him to play before, with the exception of one experimental friendly match. Jack Nowell, Alex Goode and George Ford come in, while Jamie George and George Kruis will probably get a run off the bench at some point. Plus isn’t it great that England are using this meaningless fixture to give a run-out to 37-year-old tyro Nick Easter. One for the future there.
For Uruguay, Agustin Ormaechea is free to play after World Rugby announced he will face no further sanction after his red card against Fiji and their impressive fly-half Felipe Berchese returns to fitness.
Kick-off for this most depressing of dead rubbers is at 8pm BST. That’s 4pm in Montevideo. Your teams are:
England
Alex Goode, Anthony Watson, Henry Slade, Owen Farrell, Jack Nowell, George Ford, Danny Care; Mako Vunipola, Tom Youngs, Dan Cole, Joe Launchbury, Geoff Parling, James Haskell, Chris Robshaw (captain), Nick Easter.
Replacements: Jamie George, Joe Marler, David Wilson, George Kruis, Tom Wood, Richard Wigglesworth, Jonathan Joseph, Mike Brown.
Uruguay
Gaston Mieres, Santiago Gibernau, Joaquin Prada, Andres Vilaseca, Rodrigo Silva, Felipe Berchesi, Agustin Ormaechea; Mateo Sanguinetti, Carlos Arboleya, Mario Sagario, Santiago Vilaseca (captain), Jorge Zerbino, Juan Manuel Gaminara, Matias Beer, Alejandro Nieto.
Replacements: Nicolas Klappenbach, Oscar Duran, Alejo Corral, Mathias Palomeque, Diego Magno, Agustin Alonso, Alejo Duran, Manuel Blengio.
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