O little town of Westminster, how still we see thee lie. While parliament catches its breath at the end of a frenetic year in politics, it seems right to honour those who have distinguished themselves over the past 12 months.
Surprise of the Year
David Cameron was so confident of being returned to Number 10 in May that he spent the early evening of polling day rehearsing his concession speech to Ed Miliband. It was a year of shock outcomes that made fools of politicians, pollsters and pundits. Best of all, it cost the bookies. At the start of the election campaign, you could get 20-1 on a Tory majority. At the outset of the Labour leadership contest, you could have bet on Jeremy Corbyn at 200-1. Our winner only put himself up for the job, so he told his friends in the Campaign Group, because it was “my turn” to be their ritual sacrifice. If George Osborne had had the sense to put some money on #JezWeCan, he’d have cleared the deficit.
Sadists of the Year
In what their leader called “a cruel and punishing night” for his party, the Liberal Democrats were slaughtered. There was one fate worse than being a sacked Lib Dem MP. That was to be Nick Clegg. The voters of Sheffield Hallam decided that he deserved the most exquisite torture: they let him keep his seat to see how he liked the transformation from deputy prime minister to backbencher in a party of just eight MPs under Tim Farron, a man to whom he never gave even the lowliest job in government.
Resignation of the Year
This award is reserved for a politician who nobly put convictions before career by quitting on a point of principle. So no, Lord Sewel, you cannot enter for being forced to resign the ermine after you were filmed snorting white powder at a party with prostitutes. The judges were impressed by Heidi Allen, the Conservative MP for South Cambridgeshire, who used her maiden speech to launch an eloquent attack on cuts to tax credits. It was brave to simultaneously annoy the prime minister, anger the chancellor, and infuriate other Conservative MPs made jealous of the widespread plaudits that she received for her guts. We were about to crown Ms Allen when one of the panel pointed out that, despite the speech, she actually obeyed the Tory whip and voted in favour of the tax credit cuts.
Unresignation of the Year
It was a bitter-sweet 12 months for Ukip. The plum and custard brigade bagged more than four million votes at the election, but were rewarded with just the one MP. Douglas Carswell then went to war with Nigel Farage. Spurned by the voters of Thanet South, Nigel failed to gain a berth in the Commons and fulfilled his promise to quit as leader. But after a crisis meeting with himself, within 48 hours a “reluctant” Nigel had been persuaded that Ukip couldn’t possibly do without Nigel and announced that Nigel had bowed to the desperate pleas of Nigel to withdraw his resignation.
Limpet of the Year
Grant Shapps quit the government in the wake of allegations that he had failed to act on warnings about a bullying and blackmail scandal in the Conservative party. While insisting on his innocence, he stood down on the grounds that “responsibility should rest somewhere”. Where would David Cameron be if everyone in his outfit took that attitude? He’d be without the party’s super-adhesive chairman, Lord Feldman, who manfully resisted all the pressure on him to quit over the affair. His miraculous survival might conceivably have something to do with the fact that he is a chum of the prime minister since they were at Oxford together.
Stunt of the Year
In a year of considerable competition, there was one weighty contender for the most ill-conceived publicity wheeze of 2015. The Ed Stone, an 8ft-6, two-ton limestone monolith engraved with his six election pledges, was unveiled by the Labour leader in a car park in Hastings in the climactic week of the election campaign. The heaviest suicide note in history became the target of instant and universal ridicule. The Daily Telegraph contacted 50 stonemasons to try to find out who made it. All protested their innocence. The Guardian revealed that the tombstone had been discussed at 10 meetings of the Miliband team without one person present asking: is this really a good idea? A spokesperson for the stone explained Labour’s defeat by saying: “The British people weren’t progressive enough for me.” One of the writers of The Thick of It remarked: “And you wonder why we stopped doing it.” Rumours that the Ed Stone has been destroyed are unconfirmed, as is speculation that it is now serving as chief speech writer to Jeremy Corbyn.
Shrinking Violet of the Year
When the starting pistol on the Labour leadership race was fired, one candidate seemed to have it all. Or at least enough of it to make him the early favourite. He was the right sort of age. He was great on TV. He could wear a suit. Destiny was knocking on the door of Chuka Umunna, the MP for Streatham. He duly launched a leadership campaign, then swiftly thought the better of it, saying that he was “uncomfortable” with the degree of media interest in his family. The British media intrusive – who knew? After three days as a candidate, Chuka told destiny that he had a headache.
Lemmings of the Year
They thought he was a joke. They are not laughing now. The Labour MPs who let Jeremy Corbyn into the leadership contest by nominating a man for whom they had no intention of voting were controversially described as “morons” who should be “ashamed of themselves” by former Blair aide John McTernan. Credit to Margaret Beckett for her confession: “I am one of them.”
Could Have Phrased That Better Award
The judges commended Natalie Bennett, leader of the Greens, for the excruciatingly awful interview which she subsequently blamed on a “brain fade”. They also wish to note Jeremy Hunt’s telling the British “to work like Asians” and Paddy Ashdown’s proclamation that he would “eat my hat” if the election night exit poll was correct. The winner is David Cameron for expressing his love of West Ham when he had previously told the world that he was an avid supporter of Aston Villa. Easy mistake to make, Dave, when their kit is so similar and you are no more a fan of football than you are of Michael Ashcroft.
Innocent Pleasure Award
Whatever else may be said of Jeremy Corbyn, under his management, meetings of the parliamentary Labour party have become worth eavesdropping. After he unveiled his shadow cabinet, Jess Phillips, the lively newcomer from Brum, attempted to take the bearded one to task over the paucity of women in senior positions. Ms Phillips was scolded by Diane Abbott, the Labour leader’s old flame, for having the temerity to challenge St Jeremy. “Fuck off,” said Jess to Diane. And off Diane did fuck. In an otherwise bleak year for Labour MPs, this pithy exchange brought joy to many hearts.
Iron Bladder Award
The 11-hour Commons debate on Syria featured two epic performances. Hilary Benn delivered an impassioned speech in favour of military action against Isis and in defiance of his leader. John Bercow, the Speaker, presided over the marathon debate without once leaving the chair to take a comfort break. The man must be made of bladder.
U-turn of the Year
Sights you thought you’d never see included the President of China attending a state banquet with someone who still believes there is something to be said for Marxism, and Jeremy Corbyn turning up for the bash at Buck House in white tie and tails. The capitalist running dogs of the neo-liberal media on the judging panel wanted to give this award to the Labour leader for flip-flopping over the singing of the national anthem and other offences against consistency. But he was beaten to the prize by George Osborne for his tyre-shrieking U-turn on tax credits. What ought to have been a humiliation for the chancellor turned into something of a success, aided and abetted by his shadow John McDonnell deciding that it would be a smart idea to introduce Chairman Mao as his gag-writer.
Most Quickly Recalled Fashion Item
When the Scottish Nationalists massacred all their opponents, they had a victory picture taken at the Forth Bridge featuring Nicola Sturgeon surrounded by her MPs. It sounded like a good idea at the time to run up a line of SNP branded clothing emblazoned with the slogan “the 56”. Alas, by the time it was ready for sale at the party’s autumn conference, two of their number had been suspended. Probably still won’t prevent Teflon Nicola triumphing again at the Holyrood elections in May 2016. Hard to see what will, short of it being revealed that she and David Cameron have a furtive passion for each other.
Dignity in Defeat Award
Election night was a reminder that the most ruthless employers in politics are the voters. Many big names, among them Ed Balls, Douglas Alexander, Vince Cable, Danny Alexander, Simon Hughes and Charles Kennedy, were handed their redundancy notices in the most brutally public way. The grace with which they all accepted their fate was impressive. Especially when the temptation must have been to echo the reaction of the American politician who responded to defeat by quoting Mark Twain: “The people have spoken – the bastards.”
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