Ted
9pm, Sky Max
This weed-smoking, foul-mouthed CGI teddy bear spin-off may not be to everyone’s taste, but Seth MacFarlane fans will enjoy the furry friend’s high-school antics with John in his teenage years. This week, they go to great lengths to try to catch out the school bully. Meanwhile, Matty gets a colonoscopy. Hollie Richardson
Here We Go
8pm, BBC One
Who sent Paul a mysterious Valentine’s Day card? How will Robin get on with sourcing a flashmob for his proposal? And does the giant bunch of flowers Maya sent to Amy mean that she’s cheating on her? The usual comic shenanigans abound this week, featuring a deeply poignant romantic musing from Alison Steadman’s Sue: “Romance can be very thrifty.” Aww. Alexi Duggins
Sue Perkins: Lost in Alaska
9pm, Channel 5
Perkins’s adventure takes her to Willow next, where she takes part in the “state sport” of dog mushing. She also joins doomsday preppers and takes a boat ride deep into the wilderness to see if she would be capable of survival if the world continues in the direction it’s currently heading. HR
RuPaul’s Drag Race: UK Versus the World
9pm, BBC Three
Thread and glue at the ready for a particularly challenging heat in the Olympics of drag. The queens must create three fairytale fits, including a showstopper dress that is fit for a princess. Model and Drag Race fan Adwoa Aboah joins the judges. Jack Seale
The Graham Norton Show
10.40pm, BBC One
It’s a fantastic, mostly female lineup this week. Ahead of the last episode of True Detective: Night Country, Jodie Foster joins Norton to celebrate its success, along with Wicked Little Letters star Olivia Colman, Wanda Sykes, who has a Netflix special, and Lorraine Kelly, who is publishing her debut novel. Josh Brolin and Austin Butler are also on the sofa discussing Dune: Part Two. HR
Amityville: An Origin Story
11.05pm, BBC Two
The final chapters of the true story behind the infamous horror house’s legacy follow the events after the hit film – and it is spine-chilling for reasons beyond the supernatural. It zooms in on George Lutz, whose stepson Christopher recalls the reality of the man who sold their family’s traumatic story. HR
Film choice
This Is Me… Now: A Love Story, (Dave Meyers, 2024), Prime Video
As befits someone as practised in the acting world as the pop realm, Jennifer Lopez’s new album is accompanied by an ambitious feature film. Helmed by music video director Dave Meyers, it combines tracks from This Is Me… Now with autobiographical drama and epic scenes of colourful, intricately choreographed fantasy. Cameos from her new spouse Ben Affleck, Post Malone, Sofía Vergara and astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson give a flavour of the broad sweep of J-Lo’s interests. Simon Wardell
Mission: Impossible – Dead Reckoning Part One, (Christopher McQuarrie, 2023), 11.15am, 8pm, Sky Cinema Premiere
There is no stopping Tom Cruise. The seventh instalment in the big bucks espionage series is largely identical to the previous six but is almost embarrassingly easy to like. With imaginative action sequences (the train scenes are vertiginous), extreme stunts, often by Cruise himself, desirable global locations (Rome, the Orient Express), convoluted plotting – he and his rogue agents basically fight the internet – plus new faces in Hayley Atwell and Pom Klementieff, it’s exhilarating business as usual for the Cruiser. SW
The Thing, (John Carpenter, 1982), 10.50pm, Film4
John Carpenter’s entertainingly gruesome 1982 horror remake has the alien that invades an Antarctic research station able to imitate any life form (rather than just being a lumbering man in a creature suit, as in its predecessor The Thing from Another World). Paranoia reigns as the staff don’t know who is infected and who’s not – but Kurt Russell’s helicopter pilot MacReady is certain that it isn’t him and tries to make a survival plan. Cold war-style “reds under the bed” fears mingle with Agatha Christie’s And Then There Were None as the mutating ET picks the men off one by one. SW
Live sport
Women’s Super League football: Chelsea v Man City, 7pm, BBC Two Top-flight match at Kingsmeadow.
